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We have had a problem with my dad since he came to live with my sister, after his wife died 5 years ago. He was still pretty 'normal' then and put up quite a fight when he wanted to go everywhere with either her or me. Two years ago he was diagnosed with dementia and he had started to soil himself and or do 'strange' things, like using butter or peanut butter for cream etc. We searched a while to find a really good facility for him, and now that we found one and he knows that its where he is supposed to go on 1 October, he has started to behave so 'normal' and quiet, that he is hardly visible and no accidents either, making it now even more difficult for us to take him there. Any advice would be welcome.

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Oh we left him there for one day to visit. Its a very nice facility and the residents all seem to be 'happy'. I have seen places where everyone sits around with a long face and its very depressing, but this one seem to be well run and have lovely gardens where they involve the patients who love gardening etc. My dad spent half his time standing at the gates waiting for us to fetch him, so I hope the two week period settles him.
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Thank you Pamstegman. I am planning on taking him to the doctor on Monday for a low dose of anxiety or anti-depressant pills. I am not sure which is better. He soiled himself again yesterday. We engage a nursing service, quite pricey, to help get him cleaned up and settled, even if its a night shift in order for my sister to get a good night's sleep. This lead to me telling him that he needs to get more help at a 'place' where they can 'fix' him. We plan on taking him there on Tuesday this week. It's very hard and we weren't prepared for all this.
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Send him with anxiety meds during the settle in period. Stay away for two weeks to refocus him on his new home. You are doing the right thing even though you are not sure about it.
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That is a good idea. Havent thought of anti-depressants. I will chat to his doc about a low dose of anti-anxiety pills. Resisted them myself when I went through a period of depression. But sure it can help him. Yes, they're very supportive and au fait with dementia. 3 x level facility, AL, semi-frail, and full- frail. He will go into AL. He can still shower and dress himself ens. I am a T2 diabetic and was feeling a bit 'off' today, but had to help out. It's a lot to cope with and I have such admiration and respect for all carers.
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Aaah, better picture. Yes, I would move him, objections and all. Is this a memory care place that he is going to? Some ALs are better at dementia than others, I would make sure that this place has expertise. I can promise you that although men do seem to have a more difficult time settling in, he will have loads of female companionship. Men are in very short supply and they are treated like princes by their lady friends! Has he been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes meds like antidepressants and a low dose of antianxiety agent can do wonders in getting people to cooperate a bit more. I'm not talking about drugging him into a zombie state! Before these meds, my mom was fearful, fretful and full of dread of anything out of the ordinary. Now, she rolls with the punches a "bit' more.
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Thankyou for your response. He will not hear of it and says he is fine where he is. He definitely has dementia , it runs in his family. He has done loads of odd and strange things, too numerous to mention now, and his communication is minimal. My sister works full-time and already now I have to go and sort his lunch which is late already, or she would have to rush from her office. Her help did not come in today. He was passive aggressive when she goes out on weekends for an hour or two, then he would soil himself. It appears to have been on purpose, but when he is sick he does it too. He would without doubt be better in a facility, but he refuses to go and I don't know if the facility is willing to put up with the resistance. They said that men find it harder to adjust and become very difficult.
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He has been diagnosed with dementia? Are you satisfied with the diagnosis and the doctor who made it? His "strange" behaviors weren't the result of a UTI or other infection? How does he feel about going to the facility; has he toured it and is he looking forward to it? People with dementia can often seem "normal" when they are in a familiar place; when they have to step outside their comfort zone, you see the disability more clearly.

Moving and elder is a hard thing to do. But if he has dementia, it is so very much easier to do so early in the process than later.
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