My mother has been verbally abusive and a moderate narcissist my entire life. She has always been nasty and rude but now it has reached a whole new level and wickedly attacks literally every person in her life with a long list of complaints and how SHE HAS DONE NOTHING to deserve it (total BS, she totally deserves it!). She is forgetting everything (almost started a fire in the microwave cuz she forgot you can't put metal in there) and more concerning, is that she is making up stories in her head that never have happened.
I was contacted by the PA in her cardiologist office to tell me they noticed a large decline. She said it is one thing to not remember or to struggle with completing tasks but it is another thing entirely if she is saying things happened that never did (which she does all the time). When I asked for advice, she told me to follow the legal process (I dont' have the money). I honestly think she has suffered a brain injury out of her last health episode - that she was saved from when the hospital ignored her advanced directive. My question is - why do we keep treating the physical health needs (aka heart) and keep stringing people along physically when we know their mind is GONE! That in itself is unethical to me. Why can't Doctors be honest and agree that their current way of treating the elderly is to treat the body to live longer only to sacrifice the patient's mind and psychological well being. Why is our medical community ignoring the mental needs and making the problem worse by stringing them along? At some point we have to stop the madness and let the other health needs take their natural course and give her peace. She has not been given less than 6 months (but mostly certainly would if she stopped taking the ridiculous amount of medicine she is on) but no one will talk about it. End of life should be defined by whether or not you would live 6 month without treatment.
Sadly if you or or another family member does not have POA, I’m not sure if anything can be done at this juncture since she is not of sound mind. I would think one of her Drs. could request Hospice/Pallative care under the circumstances if you requested an assessment. Even if she gets mad at you, you’ll know that you are doing what’s best for all concerned. Not an easy situation.
When My mom asked her Dr if he would ever turn off her pacemaker (it runs her heart 80% of the time) when he knows she has poor quality of life and he said "We don't do Euthanasia" - annoying as hell because when she had it put in she asked if it could be turned off and they said yes. Then the hospital did nothing to advise her about including her pacemaker in her advanced directive and now her mind is too far gone to take this on. She spent $5K dollars to draft her advanced directive (DNR amd DNI), was promised by the hospital it would be adhered to, and when she quit breathing, 12 medical professionals stared at me and made me make the decision because my mom NEVER TOLD ME that she had an advanced directive. That is so messed up that the hospital refused to follower her wishes. Not 2 + years later she has completely lost her mind. Beware people. If your loved on has an AD, it can be overridden by any family member.
Have you been able to request a needs evaluation from your local Aging group?
Has Mum been seen by a neurologist or geriatric psychologist?
I cannot imagine how challenging your days are.
I know my Mum lives in fear of losing her mind. A very good friend of Mum, had early onset ALZ 30+ years ago and it was terrible to watch her go from a smart, generous professional to a confused, crazed person who did not recognize those closest to her.