There are some people who are simply tired of living. There are YouTube videos of such people, with some not having any painful terminal diseases. I don't believe people are "obligated" to stay alive just because their dying will upset other people, and the other people haven't "failed" just because they can't convince the other person to keep on living or wanting to live.
You make sure they’ve had good, recent medical care that outlines your concerns. You stop saying “if you don’t start eating you’re gonna die” You accept that the end comes for us all, and it may be time, and if it is, you do your best to make that as easy and compassionate as possible
Your profile says you are caring for your mom..is this someone else that you are also caring for? Has this person been to the doctor about the depression? Are they on medication? If yes maybe a call to the doctor that the medication is not working and another evaluation. Another dose? another medication? Rather than say if you don't start eating you are going to die... Is there something..anything this person likes to eat? Ice cream? Pudding? Forget about a "balanced" meal at some point just getting calories into someone is more important that by what food the calories are delivered by. The body will use 400 calorie dish of Ice cream the same way it would use 400 calories of chicken pot pie. Once you can get someone more interested in eating then you can try balancing out the food. Turn the 400 calories of ice cream to 400 calories of yogurt, berries and a grilled cheese sandwich and go from there. But at some point they are right..whatever happens, happens. When the body does not need food a person will stop eating and to force that can bring more trouble. "We" are brought up with the notion that .."eat this it will make you feel better" and we take that and run with it. Food shows love. Food soothes our broken heart, Food is a celebration. So we feel helpless when someone will not or can not eat. It is a failure. It is not a failure on our part when someone stops eating..it is part of life.
Your profile says that your LO has dementia. Is that right? If so, they may or may not realize what they saying. How far advanced are they? I'd consult with their doctor to see if it's a UTI, depression, or something else going on. I'd read a lot about advanced dementia and how at some point, the person may not be able to process food. Is your LO on hospice? I'd also discuss nutrition with his doctor and see if just small amounts of things he likes would be okay, like snacks, shakes, finger food, etc. Maybe, a large meal is too overwhelming. Do they have an Advance Medical Directive?
You don't say how old your loved one is but if they have numerous health issues, it may be they are depressed and tired of living. My Mom would occasionally say that and it was a sign that she wanted to talk and be listened to. Sometimes we as caregivers are so involved in the day to day "physical" caregiving of our loved one (feeding, dressing, toileting, cleaning, etc) that we forget that sometimes just sitting down and "listening" to their thoughts gives them comfort."
Don't say, "If you don't eat, you're going to die." Say something like, "Why do you think you feel like that, Mom/Dad? What can I do for you?" Sometimes just listening to their concerns or fears makes them feel heard. It's hard to hear that from our loved one. When we're at the end of our lives, we fear we won't be remembered or we're useless because our society (in America, at least) tells us so.
Maybe bring out an old photo album and sit down and go over the pictures and stories that they tell with your loved one. Now, these approaches may not work if your loved one has advanced dementia but the brain is complex. It just might break open a memory that will be precious to you after they're gone.
Depression is a huge problem in the elderly. Medication for it may help but sometimes these meds can cause more health issues. A competent geriatric physician can guide you.
Karen, I see you answered another poster's query 2 years ago on this same subject and your answer to them was outstanding. Go back to your profile and re-read your answer to them. You are caring for both your parents and it's tough. You are doing the best you can as a sole caregiver. We are here to support you.
After insuring as others have suggested that there are no medical or other causative factors, respect his opinion, make plans to enjoy the rest of your life with him, and for him to enjoy it as much as possible, and recognize, know and remember, that you're helping him at perhaps the most difficult time of his life, as opposed to trying to encourage him to pursue a life that may no longer have meaning for him.
My FIL was in the hospital for kidney tests. He started saying " Ican't eat". People starting bringing him all kinds of tempting stuff, to no avail.
Family got a psych consult. Psych called speech language pathologist. He'd had a stroke and could no longer swallow. Also had language difficulties and was saying "eat" when he meant "swallow'.
Get a professional workup of why this is happening.
Please get this person to their doctor. It seems he/she is experiencing major depressive episode. Also, doctor can prescribe medications to stimulate appetite. As an RN, I have medicated people with Megace per physician prescription and have seen good results.
Has this person been to the doctor about the depression? Are they on medication? If yes maybe a call to the doctor that the medication is not working and another evaluation. Another dose? another medication?
Rather than say if you don't start eating you are going to die...
Is there something..anything this person likes to eat? Ice cream? Pudding? Forget about a "balanced" meal at some point just getting calories into someone is more important that by what food the calories are delivered by. The body will use 400 calorie dish of Ice cream the same way it would use 400 calories of chicken pot pie. Once you can get someone more interested in eating then you can try balancing out the food. Turn the 400 calories of ice cream to 400 calories of yogurt, berries and a grilled cheese sandwich and go from there.
But at some point they are right..whatever happens, happens. When the body does not need food a person will stop eating and to force that can bring more trouble.
"We" are brought up with the notion that .."eat this it will make you feel better" and we take that and run with it. Food shows love. Food soothes our broken heart, Food is a celebration. So we feel helpless when someone will not or can not eat. It is a failure. It is not a failure on our part when someone stops eating..it is part of life.
Don't say, "If you don't eat, you're going to die." Say something like, "Why do you think you feel like that, Mom/Dad? What can I do for you?" Sometimes just listening to their concerns or fears makes them feel heard. It's hard to hear that from our loved one. When we're at the end of our lives, we fear we won't be remembered or we're useless because our society (in America, at least) tells us so.
Maybe bring out an old photo album and sit down and go over the pictures and stories that they tell with your loved one. Now, these approaches may not work if your loved one has advanced dementia but the brain is complex. It just might break open a memory that will be precious to you after they're gone.
Depression is a huge problem in the elderly. Medication for it may help but sometimes these meds can cause more health issues. A competent geriatric physician can guide you.
Karen, I see you answered another poster's query 2 years ago on this same subject and your answer to them was outstanding. Go back to your profile and re-read your answer to them. You are caring for both your parents and it's tough. You are doing the best you can as a sole caregiver. We are here to support you.
My FIL was in the hospital for kidney tests. He started saying " Ican't eat". People starting bringing him all kinds of tempting stuff, to no avail.
Family got a psych consult. Psych called speech language pathologist. He'd had a stroke and could no longer swallow. Also had language difficulties and was saying "eat" when he meant "swallow'.
Get a professional workup of why this is happening.
If he is, acknowledging that could open the way to a heartfelt discussion on how jee wants this to go.
See All Answers