What do you do when aging in-laws refuse assistance?

I'm very concerned about the driving issue. As others have mentioned, sometimes you have to wait until they fail for them to accept help. But the driving - their big fail could mean death on the roads for them or others. They're old. They're going to die sooner rather than later. Their children won't address the driving issue because they don't want to make them mad? That's the worst excuse ever. Lives are on the line here, and lives matter. Maybe not your in-laws' lives.

But how about the family down the road? That they run into on a bright Saturday morning when they try to pass them, misjudge the distance, run the family's car off the road and one or five people die? Little children. The dad, whose work supports them. The mom who is expecting a baby in three months.

Then everyone gets all upset. "It didn't have to happen!" "They were the most loved family in our neighborhood." "Little Justin - he recently celebrated his third birthday and now he'll never see his new little sister!" (They've already named her Lilah Rose.) Oh, so sad. Oh, so awful.

Oh, so preventable. But no one wanted to make an 87- and 90-year-old angry. And the 90-year-old is now charged with vehicular homicide. The judge won't care whether he makes Pops mad. At all.

Deal with the driving issue, OP.

"The shortest path to a Nursing Home is stubbornness".

I would make an anonymous report to DMV in their state.

Did you know your spouse was such a wimp when you married?

What kind of adult can't have a hard conversation with their parents?

Such a common problem . I had it with my mother. I called the County Area of Aging. The social worker said “ Unfortunately sometimes you have to let them fail before they will accept help “. That is if the person is competent . Maybe have a social worker come out and talk to them and assess the situation. Or is there anyone they would listen to to allow help in the home ? A pastor from church perhaps ?

The social worker did come to my mom’s house to speak with her and it was quite obvious she had dementia and was not safe at home alone . The social worker assisted placing my mother in an assisted living facility that I had chosen ( mom has refused touring any ).

If no one has POA it will be more difficult . Good Luck .

You just wait it out and then wait for their children to deal with it. All the suggestions, pleading, and explanations will fall on deaf ears until they want the information. As a good friend who was also a nurse case manager told me " As long as they are able to make decisions, they're allowed to make bad decisions." And even if you've been married to their son for 100 years, you'll still be the "outsider" interfering in family matters. And DON'T offer to be the solution. That is a long-term situation you don't want to find yourself in.

The driving issue is probably the only thing I would keep stressing to the family as a problem that needs more immediate attention. Someone should evaluate if they are ok to drive and that doesn't mean they pass the driving test. (My dad was 95, blind and deaf and got his license renewed for 10 years!) Once they aren't safe to drive that becomes the problem where they can hurt others, not just themselves. And it is one of the hardest to solve when they live in a rural area. But, if they can still see during daylight hours, and have sufficient control of the car, they may be well able to drive for a few years yet. My dad drove, although poorly, until he was about 95. He only drove about 1 mile to the grocery store, daylight and good weather only, and on very slow and controlled neighborhood streets. After that I drove him everywhere. It wasn't a good solution for me, but it was the only solution.

Right now you need to concentrate on making certain all the paperwork - Power of Attorney, Medical Power of Attorney, and medical directives - are all in place. If that is left until dementia starts things are much more difficult. I got my parents to get all that done because my husband and I were doing it ourselves and we just brought them along on our visit to the attorney. Since WE were the ones who needed it for our family, they went along with it.

Oh, and my dad lived alone in a three story house with the bathroom on the 2nd floor until he was 97! Old people sometimes just make it work when we can't imagine that it's possible.

All you can do is wait for the Big Crisis in which they want help.

You are in the hard situation where you are one child’s spouse, so an in-law, not family. You have no ‘rights’. One thing you can do is to ensure that you have no ‘obligations’ either, and make some noise about that. Join with the other ‘in-law’ spouses if you can. That might be enough to force the issue, or at least to get it on the table for serious consideration.

You will NOT allow either parent to move in with you, no matter what emergency happens. You will NOT provide care in their home. You will NOT tolerate your spouse doing those things either. You will NOT provide transport if their car is involved in an accident and is off the road. You will NOT visit them in hospital or in jail if the accident happens.

You WILL assist in getting them into a better situation. That’s it.

Write it down, and give a written copy to the adult children and their spouses. They need to know that they must have a plan, and it cannot include you. It might make them think seriously about their own level of commitment when a crisis inevitably happens.

I guess your in-laws will live in their home as long as they can.

Until they can't.

Maybe a small scare will get them to make small changes... (add home care help) or a medium health event will start the process (eg a fall but without serious injury).

Sometimes it takes a crises to force change. (A fractured hip does this very quickly).

You just have to wait for something to happen. As DIL u just have to let their children to handle it. The ones closest will get the brunt of it. You cannot make cognitive people do what they don't want to. No one has any right to step into their home and say "this is how its going to be".

I "second" everything that Geaton has written to you.
At this age, eventually something will happen that will represent crisis. You know that. So be ready at that point to step in. One of them will fall, fail, be hospitalized, be in an accident and this is inevitable. At that time you can request social services crisis discharge intervention if needed.

UNTIL that unhappy day, there is little you can do other than a family intervention in which you make clear that their current status is dangerous. There should be a phone tree for family to reach one another. There should be a family member who checks by phone in a.m. and p.m.

There is little you can do when you are met with stubborn resistance. Unless a person is incompetent no court in the land will intervene to give anyone their power of choice. I am so sorry. I know this is a worry. You are not alone in being out there "waiting for the call".

Geaton777 has good advice.
The difficult thing is if they have not been declared incompetent they can chose to live how they want to live.
If no one is POA then they make decisions for each other when that time comes.
Often families have to wait for some catastrophic event that forces some change or some decision as to what steps are next.
You could start a conversation with them in this manner. (and actually it is your husband that should have this conversation)
"Mom, Dad I know you do not want to move or make any changes but I need to know what decisions you want me to make if something should happen. I want to abide by your wishes as much as I can while making sure you are both safe."
"Dad, if you fall and need rehab you know I can not take time away from home to take care of mom so what plans do we need to make, and Mom, the same question for you."

The other thing that everyone in the family should be doing is back off any help that you/they are providing. If a family member runs to help out when they call by dropping everything to help out is giving them a false sense of independence.
If siblings want to help take turns and one go one week the other go the next and so on.

Reporting to APS as "vulnerable seniors" might be an eye opener for them but if they are getting along, they are safe in their home there is not much that can be done if they are articulate in expressing their desire to remain where they are and are safe.