What do you do when a grown child wants to control your life, friends, access to the world, and MONEY?

My 90 year old father was also starting to have problems. I could tell things weren’t normal with him but since we lived in different cities and since I was coping with my husband who had a terminal brain tumor I could not keep a very close eye on him. I started getting calls from the few remaining neighbors he was in touch with and even his tax preparer who could see he was not keeping track of things as he once was. After my husband died I went to visit him after my son had stopped by to visit and had seen cancellation notices laying here and there in the disheveled mess of a house. I begged him to come to my house for a short visit and he refused. I didn’t know what to do. Finally 2 weeks later he fell down his stairs and laid there 3 days before he was found. He spent 3 weeks in the hospital and was diagnosed with severe dementia. Come to find out he hadn't paid his health insurance, mortgage and many other bills in months. His homeowners insurance had lapsed.
he had become very good at parroting responses to me over the phone to satisfy me but in real life things were a shambles. He lives with me now and still at times thinks he’s Superman and will be going home any day now to resume life as it was. For a long time I’ve just had to humor him but also manage every detail of his life since he can’t even figure out how to change the channels on the TV anymore. When he is talking to a doctor or someone like that he can act like things are just peachy, but if they
start asking him things to test his memory he goes ballistic. I’m not saying this daughter isn’t doing anything wrong but I also know that people with dementia often think they are just fine when they aren’t.

So, LonelyandOld; What part of Grandma's answer are you "hoping is right"? That your daughter is simply concerned and not trying to control you for nefarious purposes?

Are you going for a Neuropsych evaluation this week? My mom's evaluation was with a Neurologist, Neuropsychologist and Psychiatric Nurse Practioner (so yes, 3 medical professionals working together to look at her thinking, reasoning and behavioral skill, along with her emotional state) The whole thing was covered by Medicare.

This resulted in mom being told that it was unwise for her to live alone any longer; needed changes in diet, more socialization and more consistent access to others who could help. (No more panicked phone calls to us about burned out light bulbs).

Hoping for a good outcome for you and your family!

Since the original poster has not responded or commented on any of these replies all this is speculation.
AND....this is important.
This is ONE side of the story. There are usually 3 sides to any story.
Lonlyandold has 1 story
Her daughter has another story
Somewhere in the middle lies the third...and possibly the truth to the story.

Lots of good answers here, and too bad Op has not come back. But I have to say, as a Non greedy, very concerned daughter whos mother lives with her... My mom thinks she is fine, because she does crossword puzzles every day, and reads and watches the game show network.. But the day after our last Dr apt ( last week) she got her shower and put all her clothes on backwards.. . Opps silly me.. I spend a lot of time repeating things like on line banking, what is Vaping ( several friends do this.. we have gone over it repeatedly. ) Why we can keep library books for 3 weeks, not a day.. Wanting to send money to charities ( sent some this week, that's it for this year) She has not driven or had her DL for years, but still tell me she thinks she can drive ( gets lost in our very small town, is blind on one eye , I shudder to think of her trying to get to the casino, get her rollator out of the car..)
So while this may be on the up and up.. I feel like maybe the DD is trying to do her best to help Mom. I know from most of the posts here I will not be popular, but I stand behind this..

I agree with several of the others here. See an Elder Law Attorney as soon as possible. They will become your advocate in this mess. Your daughter is about a greedy as I've every seen. You do not need her approval for anything you want to do. Get out, join a church, visit your local Senior Center, volunteer at a hospital. You still have too much to give. Unless you have given her / add her to your bank accounts, she cannot use your money without your permission.

Good luck. Enjoy your life and be happy. Setting up a "Trust" and all required documents will give you peace of mind as well as reign in your daughter.

My mother was a professional and lived alone in another state.  I thought things were going along without any problem until I started getting calls and e-mails that something was wrong with her and that I needed to "do" something.  I was 215 miles away, and the rest of the family was 5 miles away.  Then, I started getting the same concerns from some of my mom's friends, and the BANK.  I began spending more and more time with my mom, and I could tell that something was wrong, but I couldn't do a thing about it because of legalities.  Then, my mom was involved in a scam and would NOT let me help her.  Then other thing happened, and FINALLY she set the house on fire.  I regarded that as a gift from GOD because that gave me the legal opening I needed to get in there and "do" something.  It was 22 years in the making, but it finally happened.  I got POA the day before she had a mental breakdown while we were 15 minutes at a resort in a different state from where either one of us lived.  Then, I got emergency guardianship over her while she spent two weeks being evaluated because DHS came in due to the hoarding issues, the horrific conditions of the house and the pets, the hoarding of strays, the complaints of the neighbors, etc.  I have now been the POA and Guardian for more than 3 years, and I have saved her life due to it.  She thanks me for being there for her although it was a struggle for the first couple of years, and I was called every name in the book over it by her along with her physically coming after me every chance she had.  I got her meds tweaked and that has helped tremendously, along with getting her needed medical care that she would not get for herself even though she had medical insurance and was a professional to boot.  I don't the details of your story, but maybe things are different from the other side of the looking glass on the part of your daughter.  They certainly were for me and my mom, and others.  Maybe she actually has your best interests at heart.  I did for my mom, and others have thanked me for stepping in there and taking action.

Why can't you drive? You would feel so much better if you could get out on your own. Does she have legal control of everything?

No. No. No. You use your own money and the elder lawyer petitions the court for you to be paid the money back.

If my mother was loaning money, I would probably be more watchful over her checkbook. For a while she was sending a few bucks on a regular basis to some Social Security 'advocate' thing she got in the mail. She would also send $ to those groups that send you mailing labels. I told her to stop those and she did. If you are not in a financial crisis, you should be able to buy things for yourself. And definitely, you should be able to go along on the shopping trips instead of her picking out items for you all of the time.
Tell her you appreciate her watching out for scams, but you want to be more involved on things that are purchased for you

"Checked with the FBI."

cwinter,

Read what happened to my mom’s neighbor below your posts. She bought her own plot. Had her own headstone too. A horrible neighbor that she trusted had her cremated and placed her ashes in the garden at her home.

She had no family. She wasn’t married, never had kids.

This issue strikes home hard. People without people are at extreme risk for neglect, abuse and exploitation without restraint. I knew no one would take care of my burial requests so I bought my plot and already have the stone in place. Frequently I am hearing attitude of arrogance, assumption and presumption from those with kids. So having kids isn't a sure help either. I don't think there are any even semi-easy answers, except to avoid living too long, and check out quickly.
The more I'm in this senior time of life, the more the true realities sink in... including being invisible.

Katybugs,

Thank you for caring for this woman. You’re very kind.

The elderly are vulnerable. Sometimes those who take advantage are strangers or people that are involved in their lives, children, other family members, neighbors, etc.

My mom’s neighbor was a lovely elderly woman that I knew since childhood. The woman across the street took advantage of her. This lady had a cemetery plot that was paid for in the Jewish cemetery. She had plenty of money to have everything taken care of.

The woman across the street had the woman cremated and proceeded to pass out spoons to each of the neighbors to scoop out the ashes to place in the woman’s garden. My parents could not participate. They kept thinking of how Elizabeth wanted to be buried, not cremated.

She took control of her house, stocks, bonds, etc. She even emptied out her house and had a garage sale!

The lady had no family alive to fight for her. It was awful. She died without any of her last wishes being carried out. She was in sound mind, no dementia at all. It’s a terrible shame that people can abuse the elderly without giving it a second thought.

I can’t say what is what regarding the OP but in my mom’s neighbor’s case it was truly sad.

My friend of 25+ years has lived with us now for over two years. She is 88 and I am her care giver. The arrangement is temporary (was supposed to have been only about 4 months before she and I would find her another place to live). However, she had come to us through the Adult Aging Department because her daughter was verbally, emotionally and financially abusing her. When our friend went to live with her daughter, the daughter sold the house and kept all of the money. My friend also had money saved for her memorial service and her daughter kept that, too. When my friend came to us, she had nothing (her daughter kept her purse - what had happened is my friend contracted bronchitis and when her daughter took her into the hospital, the staff asked our friend if she felt safe with her daughter and my friend said no). So, now it is time for her to go somewhere else to live and we found a perfect place for her that fits her low income budget and there is another lady who is 86 that lives in the front house and I think they will become very good friends. I will continue to give care to her and she continues to attend church programs and do whatever she wants to do. People from church come and pick her up and take her places (she can't drive). I always talk to her about her finances, how much she has in the bank now, etc and I have been putting a portion of her rent to us in a savings account to build up for her memorial expenses and now she needs hearing aids. I feel so sad for elderly parents who are abused and that is exactly what this person describes. There is such a thing called financial abuse and "lonelyandold" should report her daughter to the Adult Aging Department or whatever they call it in their state. I hope and pray things work out her. Oh, PS: With permission from my friend, I do have a POA and I also dissolved the daughter's POA.

Just a thought here, for everybody wondering how the daughter got her hands on her mother's money without being granted guardianship or POA, since the remarkably mentally fit mom does puzzles on her computer she probably does some electronic banking as well. All you need is a routing number and account number and you can spend, spend, spend.

I have a question. You say they used your money for the attorney. Why? How do they have access to your money?

This story is lacking too much information to know what is truly going on.

Regardless, I wish you well. Sorry things are not going well for you and your daughter.

I wonder if it's the son who posted..?

Nothing wrong with that, some people do like to approach things from the viewpoint of the person they're concerned about; but anyway whoever posted I wish s/he'd come back!

As unfortunately there has been no follow up from OP one has to feel the answers weren't what she wanted to hear - however it would be helpful so perhaps she will still follow up, or the daughter will come across the thread and be able to.

I got guardianship of my dad. He had Alzheimer’s and was being taken advantage of by his girlfriend. I had to pay @ 40 grand of my own money for lawyer fees. The court takes guardianship VERY seriously. It is very hard to take another person’s rights and autonomy away—as it should be!
I don’t think —with the information you’ve given—your daughter has a chance in hell of getting guardianship but I do find it concerning that somehow you’re footing the bill for her legal fees to try to do so.

I am a caregiver and recently transitioned my parents to assisted living. My parents desired help for many years. My Mom was a hoarder and a shopaholic.

after Some medical issues my parents and I finally came to the mutual agreement that I become POA so I could help make decisions on their behalf. I need to sell their home, clean out the hoarding etc.

we don't have enough information from the other side on this situation. I did not swoop in and treat my parents as if they can’t make decisions on their own. I try to make sure they are as in control of their life as humanly possible. Communication, patience and respect has allowed my parents and I to get along and has allowed them to feel that I didn’t just swoop in and take over their life.

Hate to say it but if she has Guardianship it is too late to do anything now.
The only thing that could be done is another doctors evaluation that would state the first one is a misdiagnosis. And good luck finding a doctor that would do that. Then it would be paying another lawyer to take this to court.

There are quite a few writers on the forum who have been on-line here for many years, thus we have seen our share of different situations fly pass us on the screen. We are pretty good at reading between the lines.

We usually find there is a back story which helps us understand more about what is going on.

Like Barb had mentioned, which the daughter could come on-line to give us a better understanding of the situation.

Lonely, you have not returned to comment on your post.

I am a daughter who is concerned about my parent's spending. Dad is a hoarder, he truly does not need that item that costs $1 or $500. Yes, Dad just bought a $500+ chainsaw. Never mind he cannot lift it. Nor that he has three smaller and many larger chainsaws already.

Are the friends your dd does not want to to see ,the same ones you are loaning money to? Who are they? Are you ware that if you are in the USA, you may not be eligible for Medicaid funding in the future if you need it? This would place a huge financial/care burden on your children.

Why does your dd not want you to have a car? You say she offers to drive you where you need to go. I know my Dad passed his driver's medical earlier this year, but it scares me that he is still driving. If you walk around his car or his old truck you can see the bumps and dings where he has bumped into things, not the other way around.

I had a neighbour who could still play a mean game of bridge and did most days at the seniors centre, but could not tell the difference between boys and girls after her stroke.

On the other hand she could be someone who wants to control your life for reasons that have nothing to do with your capacity.

How do they DO these things without at least POA or guardianship? Have you signed any papers giving them any authorities? IF you are as capable as you think you are simply stop discussing any money matters with her, take taxis to where you want to go and don’t tell her you are going. Cancel appointments with Dr she makes they are nothing to do with you same with lawyer. What I do not understand is where she is getting authority to do these things, and I can understand some concern about you sending people money. We have heard your side here but not hers. Suggest you get mental exam results from Dr you are the patient and entitled to them she is not, then go see an elder lawyer and discuss the whole situation. You sound like my mother convinced she can do everything, capable of a lot but not everything she thinks she can do. No good tiptoeing round things you need a proper sit down with daughter to discuss, and you may well not like what she and your Dr have to say. If she got guardianship then courts think it is necessary no matter what you think you can do.

Good grief, sounds very close to what I'm going through. Control freaking is not pleasant. We were living with our eldest daughter & her husband & a couple of their kids. He was put in a medical building, out of state. He never took care of his PTSD & it exploded. While the cat is a way, the mice will play & made my life a living Hell. Her husband was financially exploiting us & still is. The police just look the other way. Once he realized I knew, I was forced to move to an apt. of their choice. (So they could still harass me.) It worked for a few years, but he was caught trying to steal my social security & my husband's identity. They are smearing my name & convincing their dad, it's me causing all the problems. It has caused a riff, in my marriage. I no longer care, because of what I just found out. I'm sick to my stomach. My son-in-law abandon me, although, we paid $20,000 upfront, when we all moved in. I didn't want to live with these control freaks & 50 year old spoiled brats. I went to senior law & about to send them my paper works as proof. Document every thing & get as much proof as you can in writing. Do not tell her what you are up to. You are a big girl, with a very well working brain. She is NOT a good daughter. All she wants is to control your life. NO!! NO!! NO!! Stop talking to her!! Go to senior law for financial exploitation. If you can't afford a lawyer, you might be able to go pro Bono.Sounds like control & ageism & you do not have to put up with that. I left & went no contact from them all. They have their flying monkeys in numbers watching everything I do. I watch what I say on social media, which is not Face Book & do not say anything about my work or mention names, so they could try to control that too!! You don't need guardianship, you need senior law!!!!!

Rest assured dear woman, if you are not incompetent the courts will not take your rights away from you and you will be able to get the money spent returned.

You can also petition for someone of your choosing to be your guardian, it doesn't have to be one of your children.

I hope that whatever is in your best interest happens for you.

This is indeed unusual to have a post from a person on the other side of caregiving. I agree, that a lot more information is needed and we tend to read into it facts that aren’t there. Hopefully, the poster is not dealing with elder abuse. I, for one, feel that we are being given a unique perspective on what it feels like to have our ability to control our own finances taken away from us. It’s hitting a hot button, especially with some of our older members. To tell you the truth, it’s frightening! Sadly, though, it will happen to many of us.

Lonelyandold, If my parents had been more computer literate, years ago, this post could have been written by them. After many years of trying unsuccessfully to help them with one bad, financial decision after another, my siblings and I had to take over total control of our parents’ money. They were tens of thousands of dollars in debt without the ability to pay it, and were about to lose their home. Luckily, we did not have to go the guardianship route because we were finally able to convince them that they couldn’t do it anymore (actually, my mother never did admit this, though she did give up the purse strings). We did this for them for many years, using their money to pay their bills, keep up the house, and pay for professional caregivers. As their needs increased in the later years, all the children contributed extra money for home repairs and more home health care. I can’t even imagine what would have happened to my parents if we had not stepped in. I guess they would have become wards of the state. As it was they were able to stay in their home years past the time they became eligible for a nursing home.

I hope you come back to give us more information. We do care.

I have experienced just a little of this, Lonelyandold. My brother is 85 and I am 77, and until this year he was my smarter big brother. My knight in shining armor all my life. In February he got into a bad car accident and testing showed he has a benign brain tumor that sits on his medulla insuring all of us that he will never drive again. He is a gay man, and has no support in his town, but wants to stay there with his ex-partner and good friend (also failing) nearby him. He was also told that, by symptoms, he could be having early signs of Lewy's Dementia. He asked me then to please take over his Trust and his accounts, to be his POA and Trustee of his trust. He decided that, at least for now, it is best he go into assisted living.
But along with all the changes came his feeling out of control completely of his life, when in fact he has managed all his life so well.
I think there could be some things you could do, speaking to your daughter. I know you likely appreciate all she is trying to do to safeguard you; people have lost 1,000s of dollar to scams. The scamsters are VERY clever.
If you sit with your daughter could you tell her that while you love her and so appreciate her protection you now feel that you cannot go to the dollar store without her OK. I was able to set up an account for my brother that is all his. It has a sum in it that will be added to as he spends it down, as needed, and it leaves him in control of when he would like to go on a tour, go out to eat, go to the dentist and etc.
I hope you can come to a happy agreement. I know you are happy to have her, and without her your future could be so much more uncertain. But I also know how it changes a relationship from "little sister" and "big brother" much as it would "Mom" and "daughter". There are times the role-reversal fears and feelings are so uncomfortable. Do just know it is all about love. Gently explain your feelings; I hope she will be receptive.

I didn't get good vibes about the daughter and when I reread the OP and saw that even the friends were being controlled I definitely didn't feel good about it.

Until there is more information, I think Gladimhere gives good advice.

Lonelyandold,
Why did you go for a “mental exam”?
Have you been forgetting things recently or getting confused on certain routines?
Has anyone mentioned they’ve noticed you are acting differently lately?
What did the exam reveal? Or what did the doctor say?
What role do the 2 mental health nurses play?
Has a doctor prescribed a new medication lately (possibly for dementia)?
Are/Were you getting confused writing checks and paying bills?
Were you getting late notices from credit card companies or household monthly bills?
Can you record (and understand) all the transactions in your check register?
Why do you, your daughter and your son all need to pay lawyers?
Do you have trouble completing a full shower?
Why did you move closer to your daughter?
What is your response to your daughter telling you you can’t buy a dollar item?
Did you ever drive? And why don’t you drive now?
If you have doubts that you are being scammed by someone, why haven’t you cut it off previously?

These are just a few questions you should answer so we can get a better idea of what’s going on.