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My 57 year old daughter wants control of my money.


I live alone, she doesn't want me to have a car, she will take me wherever I want to at her convenience. Is long suffering while she is being a wonderful daughter. I can't buy a dollar item without being told put that back you don't need it. She buys clothes for me and shoes rather than taking me shopping. We had a wonderful relationship I thought, as my friends died off it seemed wise to move close - not with, Thank God. My mind is great, I still play bridge on the computer, do puzzles every day, play cards at any opportunity. I lent a person some money. I and my husband both did this when he was alive. She is convinced I am being scammed, She is possibly right, I've had doubts and hired a detective, checked with FBI and other agencies. I told her I would stop sending money and in thanks she filed for guardianship. My cost in this matter is unbelievable. I don't pay anything THEY use my money to pay my lawyer, her lawyer, my sons lawyer, a doctor $500.00 mental exam and two mental health nurses. Who knows what they will charge. This is cruel and unnecessary.

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How to stop daughter's quest for control of your life? See an elder law attorney to prepare your POA's, DNR, will, last wishes, etc. If you are considered competent, no judge will award guardianship to anyone. Guardianship would not be necessary.

Maybe she is POA now? You have the right to select another POA if you so please, if competent. It certainly sounds as if you are.

Maybe daughter is looking out for your best interests. You may be competent, get with your doctor and ask for a diagnosis. You have the legal right to make your own decisions, if competent, regardless of how bad daughter thinks they are.
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FrancescaOC Aug 18, 2019
Thank you gladimhere. That was an excellent and sensible non emotional answer. I tried to answer but was putting myself into it too much as I am 77 and this could happen to me someday. I have wonderful sons, but as Lonely said, she thought she had a good relationship with her daughter before she moved nearby.

I also decided I didn't have enough information. You said pretty much what I wanted to say without all the emotion that I had.
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Hang on.

Can we just go through this bit:

"I lent a person some money. I and my husband both did this when he was alive. She is convinced I am being scammed, She is possibly right, I've had doubts and hired a detective, checked with FBI and other agencies. I told her I would stop sending money..."

What do you mean, you *would* stop sending money? Does that mean that in spite of your reservations, in spite of your husband's no longer being with us, in spite of ongoing investigations even, you are STILL sending money?

Why???

You write so well and so fluently and seem so in command of the facts of the situation, that I'm wondering how it could be that you haven't yet extricated yourself from the clutches of a fraudster, if that's what's going on. Plenty of people fall for them, alas; it is by no means indicative of mental incompetence.

What does your lawyer say?

How would you hope to repair/retrieve your relationship with your daughter?
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AT1234 Aug 20, 2019
Thanks for asking those questions, I too am a only daughter who has lost my relationship with my mom over paranoia and scammers. It is very difficult to stand back and watch strangers take advantage of loving vulnerable parents. But, the alternative is almost worse!
Obtaining guardianships over competent adults is almost impossible, so unless there is overwhelming medical evidence, Lonely doesn’t have to worry about that part, but it could be necessary if she’s being stripped of her assets.
Healthcare is not what it used to be and she will probably need every dime for the future. Remember, her version of the truth may not be so accurate also, In any case it all causes sad situation.
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There may be several ways of looking at this. To begin with your daughter should not be using your money for her children. I was around your daughter's age when I had to take control of my mother's finances. I am not assuming you have the same issues but I will explain why I had to do this. My mother was paying a huge interest fee on a relatively small credit card bill. She could not comprehend that it was simply better to pay the bill in full even though we had extensive conversations about this. There were charities that were charging her card monthly. She was not financially in a position to continue to endlessly contribute to them. She was moving money around from bank accounts and causing overdraft fees. There was no reasonable explanation for this. I have had to cancel a number of credit cards because I could not get the company to block certain vendors. She does not have access to her checkbook. If she did she could potentially lose thousands of dollars. I give her a check when she requests one providing it is for a reasonable purpose. My husband and I pay all her bills. We safeguard her money. She has use of one credit card which we explain had to be used sparingly. We do not do all this because we are on a power trip but because we saw how out of control her spending could be at times. I also buy her clothes rather than take her shopping. She has severe mobility issues as well as incontinence. I hope you can find some resolution. Your money should be used for you. Even though we do alot for my mother I do not take her money for any of my own needs. I simply am trying to safeguard her money rather than watching it filter away on expenditures that are not relevant.
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worriedinCali Aug 18, 2019
the OPs daughter isn’t using her mother’s money on her children. The OPs daughter has filed for guardianship and that is why the OP is paying legal fees for various people. It’s her own children’s lawyers that she paying for. Not her grandchildren’s lawyers. The OP said absolutely nothing about her daughter spending her money on her (the daughters) children.
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This is indeed unusual to have a post from a person on the other side of caregiving. I agree, that a lot more information is needed and we tend to read into it facts that aren’t there. Hopefully, the poster is not dealing with elder abuse. I, for one, feel that we are being given a unique perspective on what it feels like to have our ability to control our own finances taken away from us. It’s hitting a hot button, especially with some of our older members. To tell you the truth, it’s frightening! Sadly, though, it will happen to many of us.

Lonelyandold, If my parents had been more computer literate, years ago, this post could have been written by them. After many years of trying unsuccessfully to help them with one bad, financial decision after another, my siblings and I had to take over total control of our parents’ money. They were tens of thousands of dollars in debt without the ability to pay it, and were about to lose their home. Luckily, we did not have to go the guardianship route because we were finally able to convince them that they couldn’t do it anymore (actually, my mother never did admit this, though she did give up the purse strings). We did this for them for many years, using their money to pay their bills, keep up the house, and pay for professional caregivers. As their needs increased in the later years, all the children contributed extra money for home repairs and more home health care. I can’t even imagine what would have happened to my parents if we had not stepped in. I guess they would have become wards of the state. As it was they were able to stay in their home years past the time they became eligible for a nursing home.

I hope you come back to give us more information. We do care.
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Rest assured dear woman, if you are not incompetent the courts will not take your rights away from you and you will be able to get the money spent returned.

You can also petition for someone of your choosing to be your guardian, it doesn't have to be one of your children.

I hope that whatever is in your best interest happens for you.
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Lonely, you have not returned to comment on your post.

I am a daughter who is concerned about my parent's spending. Dad is a hoarder, he truly does not need that item that costs $1 or $500. Yes, Dad just bought a $500+ chainsaw. Never mind he cannot lift it. Nor that he has three smaller and many larger chainsaws already.

Are the friends your dd does not want to to see ,the same ones you are loaning money to? Who are they? Are you ware that if you are in the USA, you may not be eligible for Medicaid funding in the future if you need it? This would place a huge financial/care burden on your children.

Why does your dd not want you to have a car? You say she offers to drive you where you need to go. I know my Dad passed his driver's medical earlier this year, but it scares me that he is still driving. If you walk around his car or his old truck you can see the bumps and dings where he has bumped into things, not the other way around.

I had a neighbour who could still play a mean game of bridge and did most days at the seniors centre, but could not tell the difference between boys and girls after her stroke.

On the other hand she could be someone who wants to control your life for reasons that have nothing to do with your capacity.
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I have experienced just a little of this, Lonelyandold. My brother is 85 and I am 77, and until this year he was my smarter big brother. My knight in shining armor all my life. In February he got into a bad car accident and testing showed he has a benign brain tumor that sits on his medulla insuring all of us that he will never drive again. He is a gay man, and has no support in his town, but wants to stay there with his ex-partner and good friend (also failing) nearby him. He was also told that, by symptoms, he could be having early signs of Lewy's Dementia. He asked me then to please take over his Trust and his accounts, to be his POA and Trustee of his trust. He decided that, at least for now, it is best he go into assisted living.
But along with all the changes came his feeling out of control completely of his life, when in fact he has managed all his life so well.
I think there could be some things you could do, speaking to your daughter. I know you likely appreciate all she is trying to do to safeguard you; people have lost 1,000s of dollar to scams. The scamsters are VERY clever.
If you sit with your daughter could you tell her that while you love her and so appreciate her protection you now feel that you cannot go to the dollar store without her OK. I was able to set up an account for my brother that is all his. It has a sum in it that will be added to as he spends it down, as needed, and it leaves him in control of when he would like to go on a tour, go out to eat, go to the dentist and etc.
I hope you can come to a happy agreement. I know you are happy to have her, and without her your future could be so much more uncertain. But I also know how it changes a relationship from "little sister" and "big brother" much as it would "Mom" and "daughter". There are times the role-reversal fears and feelings are so uncomfortable. Do just know it is all about love. Gently explain your feelings; I hope she will be receptive.
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TXGirl82 Aug 18, 2019
OP's daughter has already petitioned the court for guardianship. A happy agreement seems unlikely.
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Lots of good answers here, and too bad Op has not come back. But I have to say, as a Non greedy, very concerned daughter whos mother lives with her... My mom thinks she is fine, because she does crossword puzzles every day, and reads and watches the game show network.. But the day after our last Dr apt ( last week) she got her shower and put all her clothes on backwards.. . Opps silly me.. I spend a lot of time repeating things like on line banking, what is Vaping ( several friends do this.. we have gone over it repeatedly. ) Why we can keep library books for 3 weeks, not a day.. Wanting to send money to charities ( sent some this week, that's it for this year) She has not driven or had her DL for years, but still tell me she thinks she can drive ( gets lost in our very small town, is blind on one eye , I shudder to think of her trying to get to the casino, get her rollator out of the car..)
So while this may be on the up and up.. I feel like maybe the DD is trying to do her best to help Mom. I know from most of the posts here I will not be popular, but I stand behind this..
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Beekee Aug 20, 2019
I agree with you, and I think most people on this forum are in the same situation we are--responsible adults trying to care for elderly parents including parents with some form or level of dementia.
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I think we need a lot more information in order to respond intelligently to this post.

The line that gives me pause is "she doesn't want me to have a car".

It goes one of two ways, doesn't it? Either the daughter wants to control mom's actions......OR mom is having multiple accidents, getting lost, calling daughter to come find her. Or a doctor has told OP that she shouldn't drive anymore.

Lonely, please come back with more information.
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TXGirl82 Aug 18, 2019
"It goes one of two ways, doesn't it? Either the daughter wants to control mom's actions......OR mom is having multiple accidents, getting lost, calling daughter to come find her. Or a doctor has told OP that she shouldn't drive anymore."

Yes, thank you. The OP doesn't necessarily need to thank her lucky stars she has a daughter. Daughter may be a monster, or she may be an angel.
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Lonelyandold,
Why did you go for a “mental exam”?
Have you been forgetting things recently or getting confused on certain routines?
Has anyone mentioned they’ve noticed you are acting differently lately?
What did the exam reveal? Or what did the doctor say?
What role do the 2 mental health nurses play?
Has a doctor prescribed a new medication lately (possibly for dementia)?
Are/Were you getting confused writing checks and paying bills?
Were you getting late notices from credit card companies or household monthly bills?
Can you record (and understand) all the transactions in your check register?
Why do you, your daughter and your son all need to pay lawyers?
Do you have trouble completing a full shower?
Why did you move closer to your daughter?
What is your response to your daughter telling you you can’t buy a dollar item?
Did you ever drive? And why don’t you drive now?
If you have doubts that you are being scammed by someone, why haven’t you cut it off previously?

These are just a few questions you should answer so we can get a better idea of what’s going on.
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cwillie Aug 18, 2019
The way I read it is that "my lawyer, her lawyer, my sons lawyer, a doctor $500.00 mental exam and two mental health nurses" are all costs of the guardianship process and undoubtedly the examinations are required to prove/disprove competency.
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