He demands I drop whatever I am doing because it's the end of the world.I get there he cusses me out and calls me fat a liar and a thief the whole time. He expects me to leave my job because he thinks he is dying but won't call 911. I called 911 because he was said he was having a heart attack ( he later says it's a joke) and He was mad they took him to the er and now he has a big bill. He also calls the cops saying his house is being robbed or it's on fire. They told me they are going to write him a ticket the next time he complains.Then he was mad I wouldn't call off work and pick him up to go to his gf house because he doesn't want to take an Uber and she doesn't want to pick him up. I am on a business trip in France and Italy and can't . The neighbors told me I ought to be ashamed of myself for not dropping my life Everytime he calls. The last three times I went over there he didn't need anything he just wanted to yell at me. I dislike visiting because he traps me there and won't let me leave but seems angry I am there.
Are there other issues in the mix? Health changes? Other things you have noticed? Tasks he could do before but now can't?
Is he getting lonely? Getting out less?
Has he always been a little dependantly inclined? Relied on others to do things for him?
If so, learning the line "I am not your Maid" may help. Say it as often as needed.
Or alternatively, has Dad been a Manager & used to staff jumping when he says to? If so, your line is "I am not your staff."
Neighbours (well-meaning or busy bodies) can be delt with in a similar way. Polite FIRM but leave no wiggld room for manipulation. "Thank you for your concern. I am his daughter/son. I am not his Caretaker".
Sorry for so many questions.
You have some good advice re tactics to push back. Going forward, the right plan of action may depend somewhat on the past - your history/relationship (close & loving, good or awful) + his personality + your own life skills/obligations/needs as well.
Then stick to it.
Mad about losing skills to stay independant. Doesn't want to change his ways or his life. Wants you to make the world work for him.
Realitity bites.
Stop taking the 'bites' for him. He gets bitten - that's how he will learn & change.
As for your dad, he wouldn't get another chance to get at me. Put him in his place. Block his calls when you are busy. If he starts yelling, hang up. If he has enough sense to call the police and make things up, he has enough sense to know when he really needs help.
I thought all people acted like this when they got old. Luckily for me this summer, I found out that all elderly people do not suffer from cognition problems, and I've had cases where people have been cooperative, appreciative of the help I give and are generally nice people. They've given me the history of their homes and the communities they've lived in for over forty five and fifty years and are still independent but needing a little help. Also, they don't play games, badger and guilt trip people into doing them favors.
I have one client that can be very manipulative but I've learned to deal with these antics. Her daughter is worst than she is. Just picture a tornado blowing through a town. I have her one day, and trust me, that's all I can stand.
So no, don't think every elderly person is a tyrant.
Your father has trained you to jump to his demands that turn out to be games wasting precious work time and causing you emotional trauma for no good reason which is a form of emotional abuse. Calling the police and making false reports is taking time away from their jobs wasting time on a person who is playing games while someone may need real assistance from them. There could be an actual robbery going on.
Going to the emergency room for no valid reason is taking time away from patients who are in need of emergency treatment like a car accident, CVA, heart attacks, uncontrolled bleeding, diabetic crises and other emergencies.
Stop answering calls. If there is a real emergency, someone will call you from the hospital.
Next, leave messages on the neighbors’ voicemail telling them to mind their own business. You can then take a lengthy European vacation. The south of France is lovely at this time of year.
You are not required to be responsible for your father, nor are you required to take abuse from ANYONE on this earth including him.
If your Dad keeps calling emergency services, they will eventually take him to mental health. That's what I heard happened to someone in my neighborhood anyways, Maybe that wouldnt be a bad thing.
Maybe more abused adult children should start this. Even if they took the money and banked it to spend on the parent, it would push a fine point that their time matters.
If he calls you and says it is an emergency do just what you did and call 911.
If he calls the police or fire and they write him a ticket, HE has to pay the fine.
If you need to help him out with some things fine, but do it on YOUR OWN time and when you can.
Back off doing any and all things that he can do himself.
IF dad is competent you can explain all this easily. The difficult thing will be YOU sticking to the BOUNDARIES that you have to stablish.
If dad is not competent then you need to think about placement in a facility that can meet his care needs. That could be Memory Care of Skilled Nursing if he has medical problems that require skilled nursing.
As to the yelling, abusing you verbally you tell him that you are not going to take that abuse and if it continues you will leave. As soon as it begins you LEAVE. No good bye just leave. If this is on the phone you do the same thing HANG up.
Do not let him physically trap you in a room. Always stand near the door or sit in a place where you can get up and leave.
If he is EVER physically threatening call 911 and say you are afraid for your safety. If you can not get out of the house lock yourself in a room. bathroom, bedroom and call 911.
You do not have to answer Dads calls. Tell him he has cried wolf too often. He is not the center of your life. You have a job and other responsibilities. He need to do for himself. Next time you go over and he starts, walk out. You are not obligated to put up with his stuff. You are an adult and need to be respected as such.
And you quit going over to his house, every time he says jump.
He's like the little boy that cried wolf. And sadly that will come back to bite him in his butt.
Your dad knows how to use his phone so if it's a true emergency he will just have to call 911 himself.
You DO NOT have to continue to play these silly and irritating games with your dad, as you do have the final say about what you're willing to do or not do for him.
It's called setting boundaries. You may want to try setting some.
Who cares what the neighbor thinks?
However, I am sure this lets you understand fully that your Dad isn't safe at home on his own anymore.
If he isn't willing to have placement you may need to call APS to have them do wellness check and transfer to hospital for diagnostic workup. If that happens you will contact Social Workers to begin placement search soon as his foot is in the hospital door.
EMS has already been called and should be in future; they will soon set him straight as to what is an emergency and what it not.
I think that you are looking now at someone who will soon need to be in care, or he will be constantly bothering someone for something, and you are, of course, not in any single instance able to judge long distance what is a "fake" emergency and what is not. Hence the need for 24/7 monitoring.
Set boundaries .
If you are at his house and he starts his garbage you leave .
You decide what you are willing to do .
Dad will have to hire help if he needs more than you want to do , and use Uber etc .
Doing nothing at all is also an option. You are not required to prop up his false independence and be at his beck and call .
Next time the neighbors butt in , tell them that you work and can’t prop up his life , but they are welcome to pitch in .
I wouldn’t call 911 for him either . If he can call you , he can call 911 himself . Let the police ticket him . He needs to learn that his actions have consequences .
Also was he always like this , does he have dementia ? More info would help .
If you believe he should not live alone call APS .