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I'm working part-time and when at home (where I reside with mom age 97 with dementia and an active 102 year old dad who is deaf) I am busy tending to household needs like laundry, cooking, cleaning, bill paying, appt making, shopping (for their needs).


I have crossed into the age band where I am now a "younger senior".


I work at a agency that helps older adults..so yeah, it often feels like I am living it 24/7.


One of my co-workers, a very sweet person whom I like is dealing with a health related family situation that happened suddenly/unexpectedly. The family member is currently out of the hospital and in rehab. The coworker is about 30 give or take. Has a father. Made comments to more than one of us about how dad wasn't eating well with the back and forth to the hospital. (Mom might have been the one to make dinner?)


Next thing I know...and I wouldn't have wanted to not be aware, I don't think......is that another co-worker set something up with a meals program they use at her own church to help people who are going through a rough time due to illness, death etc. It has specifics as to what they would want to eat, how to provide it (with containers to portion off so it can go in freezer for reheating) etc.


It's a list of days/dates and you can sign up as to what you will bring.


Clearly the person doing it is good-hearted. And then our leader chimed in with a follow up encouraging staff support which, because of her role/position made it seem more expected.


But my private reaction has been less than compassionate...it has been a bit angry. I again feel that the role of caregivers is not understood and taken for granted. (This has been demonstrated at the workplace as far as program planning). No one has ever offered me any help or assistance, and I feel this family can fend for themselves or learn to. Doesn't that sound heartless? And I really like this young co-worker. But my plate is full. I am exhausted by the end of the day when I come home and rush to make dinner for my folks. This just adds to my to-do list.


I am probably overthinking it all and just need to pass on the supportive aspect. I can't do it all. It doesn't mean I don't care. The woman who initiated it, imo, should have done what she wished to on her own. The director should have never sent the email she did but probably didn't realize how it would be taken at least by some of us. I think it would have been better to phrase it all in such a way as to let people know if they COULD, the person would appreciate it.

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I didn't read through all the comments so please forgive if this is repetitive:

This request was seeking voluntary participation. If you feel guilty for not wanting to jump in, you can help in other ways, like pointing this staff member to resources such her area's Council on Aging, Meals on Wheels, online frozen food delivery services, social services. But don't feel guilty.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
So we all work at the local office on aging and the person is well aware of the resources...both the one setting up this voluntary effort, and the person/her family it benefits...it's not clear to me if finances are an issue but some of those online meal delivery things are very expensive and our local MOW is $5 a meal...it's not free everywhere as some people think...And nope, thanks to you and the rest, whatever I do or don't in the end, I'm not feeling guilty. HA>>if anyone should feel guilty it's the others who offered no help when others were /are in need.
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gdaughter...WOW to be called "A voice of reason"! I might have to take a screen shot of that ......if I knew how to do that ;)
I missed where this was the parent of a fellow worker.
I think when something happens and it is new and raw people rush in to help. Think of the areas where a disaster strikes and there is all this help in the first few weeks...do you ever hear about what happens during the next year? No, people move on to another "cause".
I bet the same thing happens in the office, you deal with your stuff day in and day out, it becomes routine for you and it is part of your life. I bet there are people in the office that forget you are taking care of 2 aging parents with problems. When your coworkers parent has their crisis it is new and a cause to help out with...I bet if this continues for a while the "help" will die off as well.
Once it does (because if you say or do this now it will be taken the wrong way) maybe the office should establish guidelines for things like this. Like maybe a set timeline. If a coworker needs help like this maybe 1 week of bringing in frozen meals, or a slow cooker full of soup. But not a list that goes on for weeks. This puts some people/coworkers that might be in a tight financial spots them selves in a position where buying extra food means paying the electric bill gets put off a week just because they don't want to seem like they are not contributing. (did that make sense?)
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gdaughter Dec 2019
Ya, makes goods sense...but I don't think I will say another word and bring more attention to it. At least that's the way I'm thinking right now. Now that all of you have educated me I will know how to respond/not respond.
I'm sure none of the negative reaction I am having was meant by the person who started this...but I recall there have been other times when she has done something so swiftly and efficiently there was a problem...not recalling specifics because I just go on. In the end, it is almost more of an office politics sort of situation. Also hazards of too many people knowing one's business and making assumptions in a small office. As in thinking how someone might have made a visible non-essential purchase while NOT contributing toward this good deed...
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Hiya! Note you mention you are a young senior and the other person is a youngster of 30. Fact of life it seems - if as a younger person you get problems with caring and say, then folks want to help or at least make it appear are interested and supportive.

If been quietly dealing with it, or even saying the funny things that happen, folk forget or assume and think everything still ok - when in reality - as you’ve found - there are times when a hand or support would have been wonderful. The longer you care the easier in one way - yet harder in another it is. Caring is draining - don’t mean it to be but year on year on year it does become so.

I cared for a very long time and my work was with youngsters with disabilities. I saw first hand the amount and level of support for our youngsters and could only wish a fraction of that were directed for elderly care and support too.

But like you, it was very hard doing all waking hours helping others and my place of work was always trying to get more “voluntary “ help - we even had to come in some days as volunteers so the organisation looked good. Whilst they were aware I cared, it took many years of praise and awards publicly for work I was doing whilst being stabbed in the back behind the scenes. Eventually after many many years they took it to a new level which cause a lot of stress.

Thankfully that couple of decades are over with now. All I can say to you is that keeping a sense of humour against the odds is vital. I made part of my care routines (outside work) include how many times I could get them to laugh or if in too much pain at least smile.

Be kind to yourself - even if the only time you have is a cup of tea watching a beautiful sunset - enjoy it. The garden offered opportunities to “attack” the ground with spade or fork which meant it did the garden good whilst letting off some steam. Mind you there was one time I was going backwards checking the hose was “tucked in” tight to the garden so parents wouldn’t fall over it - and promptly fell over the wood chopper.. . Was stuck like a beetle on its back - heard dad go out back door and fall... oh boy - gotta laugh - it would have made a fantastic comedy routine!

Work is work - it brings in money, helps you feel productive and gives you a break from the other caring you do. There will always be those who seem to get extra help and support at work whilst you’re expected to be you and do what you’ve always done. I’ve had that happen many times. Take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back for achieving all you do.

From one who’s been there - May each day bring something to laugh about.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
thank you:-)
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Simply say, My plate is full. I work. I take care of my elderly parents. I will not be participating in this program. Good luck!

No further explanation is necessary.

There are churches that provide meals for the needy. There are food banks. So why is this being asked at work?

Just like these phony GoFundMe deals! I do no give to these types of charities. I give to people and organizations that I choose to give to. I don’t like being pressured.
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That puts people on the spot and feel obligated & angry.  Makes you feel like posting your own written specifics of what foods you and your family want to eat, and attaching it to a list of dates for everyone to sign up when and what they'll bring you. 

It's not good for employers to do these type things.  I've seen employers take collections of donated sick days for one sick person, and yet not another when both were equally sick and losing work hours!  It's unfair to the people receiving (or not receiving!) and giving. 

I'd just say no thanks, with no explanation.  You're not obligated to give any help or explanation.  You've got more than enough on your plate, and even if you didn't have so much of on your plate, you shouldn't have been put in that position.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
I'm really surprised to find so much support for what I felt was a knee jerk and very selfish reaction. But maybe all of us get what it's like to be a caregiver and maybe we're all angry because no one was there or is there for us. Keep in mind that while the boss endorsed the plan, I think she was clueless about it taking place. Thank goodness we haven't come to the point of donating sick days. It brings up to the uneven aspect of PTO for child birth yet those who are beyond those years and choose not to have children don't get equal compensation of some sort. A lot of inequality.

Ah well, as they say, this too shall pass. And don't forget, the email went to ALL the staff members.
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First I think the staff person that has this family that is in need should have helped the family find other resources that will help them
If you are working for an agency that helps people in situations like this on a daily basis situations like this can get expensive for staff.
This is why many organizations establish boundaries so that staff is not put in a situation where they feel like they have to help.
I think you should make it clear to your supervisor that you would love to be able to help out but you can not take the time nor expense of helping another family when you have your own caregiving going on when you get home.
If there are repercussions from you being unable to help out with this family this might be something that should be brought to Human Resources if it becomes a problem.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
Oh Grandma...always the voice of reason! But to clarify: We are a small staff of about 20-25, most part-time. The person being helped is staff person whose mother had an accident, and her father. We work at an office on aging. The staff person who started all this is our secretary aka office manager, who participates in nice activities thru her church I believe. She took it upon herself to do this, seemingly without consulting anyone else, hence the post email note via email from our director who chimed in encouraging support for such a nice idea. The sign up page that we can link to has about 3 days a week for a month to sign up with name and number and what you're bringing, IF you choose to sign up.
In other ways we do have some guidelines, like no accepting gifts, and we don't contribute or participate in political campaigns in a way that would cause conflict or confusion. We're also not allowed to solicit for selling of goods etc. I've already sent the director a short note saying that (no pun intended) my plate is full, in addition to being literally under the weather.
I seriously do not expect any repercussions at all if I choose not to participate in any way. We are way too small to have an HR dept so any complaints would make life very complicated and isn't worth it. As I said prior, I wonder if this poor girl felt compelled to agree and really just was sharing what was going on and didn't want or expect any help at all. Not only that...but as I think about it, we have a meal program that the daughter could purchase a lunch from for her dad to have...and it just makes me think of when my mom was in the hospital how my dad and I managed...granted it was for a week or less...but a week of fast food where there are some healthier options, won't kill a person. And if it is a financial issue...well, some frozen meals are on sale right now 4/$10. I really feel more and more like a grinch talking this way. I LIKE this young woman, I want to help...I think my issue is just how it was approached and the expectations and then the endorsement by the director...
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I agree. I don’t like this type of volunteering. Families responsibility.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
Yeah, but....we can still all be or try to be good neighbors and kind to each other. I think some of us were raised with thinking we all chip in, or we take care of our own...Maybe I'm just put out because of times my family has dealt with stuff and there have been no offers to even refuse. Maybe people thought my own family would help when I was down/sick. I don't know...for me I think the issue was the mass announcement underscored with enthusiasm that came across as expectation without any consideration of what others might be going through.
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gdaughter,
You are absolutely f o r b i d d e n to bring food because you are ill.
Thanks for NOT DOING!
You are a good gdaughter, that is for sure.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
Love you:-) Thanks for the permission slip:-) I think I will print it out LOL. Seriously sitting here coughing and blowing, when I AM truly feeling better, I might get something in the usual course of errands, when at Costco, that will provide a meal for my family with enough for theirs as well..EVEN if they have requested soup, chili or casserole type items, mine MIGHT be some nice chicken salad and croissants.
PS, I am not the best of daughters...but I get a B+ for effort:-)
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I have also had coworkers ask me to contribute my hard earned PTO to them when they were out for issues, because I "have plenty" Yeah, like I want to give you my "money" when you called out all the time to go to the hairdresser or take your kids to the amusement park? Nope, not going to happen. If it was a coworker who was really in need and had not "blown" their PTO ,, I have donated. But when I broke my ankle and was out of work for 4 months I was glad I had saved mine! And only my best friends brought food over for hubs in the beginning until we got things figured out with us and Mom. People don't really think about what they are asking these day, IMHO
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I remember when I first went to work in Baltimore, and a coworkers family member passed. We were all asked to contribute money to her.. WTH?? Those of us who did not live in B were very confused, we had never been in this situation, where a family member passed and we were given money? Not contribute to a flower, or a memorial or a headstone, just cash? A lot of us did not contribute, as we were brought up that you planned for the end and did not expect others to pay ( or give you a nice cash gift) Lately I have seen many of these "dinner sign ups" for every thing from death to a hospital stay. I am not really on board with this, if I want to give I will. If you are feeling really pressured, a gift card to a local place with carryout will do.
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gdaughter,
There is probably not a person checking the list to see who did not sign up, imo. It should have come across as a request for volunteers. But a heartfelt effort is not always a success, and has pitfalls.

If the church is organizing it, the volunteers are usually from church members, as I understand it, and the organizer would be a church member you would contact, usually, making only one who coordinates to avoid confusion.
I have read that it is best to align your help with the organization already doing the good work, not start your own with a smaller group of resources.

I would feel pressured and finagled too.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
fyi, it is now Saturday night and when I last checked out of some 20 or so employees, 5 signed on thus far (not me).
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I hate it when people in workplace pressure people to give money or sign up for stuff like this. I have sent casseroles to people who never offered to bring me one when I really needed it.
Tell them you are ALREADY providing this service!
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pamzimmrrt Dec 2019
Go Girl!! I agree
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I love you guys! Thanks for your love and support...I thought I was being overly reactive and sensitive. Our office is quite small, and we are a good group of people...and I have a big enough mouth that I think I have erred in being too open at times about the daily issues of home...though the stories can be quite amusing at times, I mean those things that come up that make us berserk but we have to laugh or we'd go nuts, right? cwillie, it's counter to my nature (and probably was yours as well) to take that attitude, but I am going down that path. Several years ago before I was in as deep (but deep enough) with the caregiving stuff...and exactly at this time of year no less, I got VERY sick. So I took on your attitude very recently when the organizer mentioned above lost her mother in the last month or so. She was expecting it, very matter of fact about it and in fact didn't even share the news with coworkers for at least a week. I skipped another co-worker's father's funeral/visiting hours as well as the organizers because I just didn't want to be a confined space with the risk for germs because people always feel obligated to be present. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just being realistic that nobody is really there for me. I don't want to impose on others and no one has ever offered (though my closest few friends would help as needed). When I was sick it was for weeks with a cold that turned into a bad bronchitis and I had zero strength because I lost my appetite). I'm fond of our director but I have been...what is the word I want...finagled? Or took on myself a bit other tasks when someone was leaving in the past month. Some of the effort was done on work time. My personal time has become even more valuable to me. But I donated two hours to following safe food handling standards and washing fruit and cubing cheese for a platter. Since I wrote I have also realized I could pick up some chicken soup and bread at Costco, or maybe the two pack of quiche and pass one on. I guess what irks me a bit is that this isn't a life threatening situation. The young woman could use sick time to be off if needed. She could go to the store and buy these items as well, though if it saves her some time and energy, I'm sensitive to that aspect. It just all should have been worded better. And for all I know the young person may have found it difficult to say no to the person suggesting it. For me...truth be told...there are few people I know well enough to trust with safe food handling standards to want to eat anything they'd prepare LOL. Thanks again for the support. I don't feel so much a witch at this moment, home with a cold!
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cwillie Dec 2019
I'll admit that saying no goes against the grain and asserting myself was never easy for me, but Practice Makes Perfect😉.
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In the past I too have felt pressure to contribute time or money to people who are in my opinion better off than I am so I understand your annoyance. Somewhere along the way I developed an attitude of "I don't give a ..." what people think of me and stopped feeling guilty about ignoring these kinds of requests. I don't offer an explanation and if pressured I just say sorry I can't help, I don't owe anybody an explanation why... let them think I'm a scrooge if they want.
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I see you POV, and yes, it could have been handled differently, but sometimes these 'projects' get a lot of airplay in the first stages and people don't think through how this may come across to every single person who gets the info.

It honestly doesn't sound like a program that is going to last, IMHO. Or maybe it works wonderfully well---I'm sorry you felt upset by it.

Compassionate service, given for a day, a week, a month, a year....is often the one sustaining thing that helps a family in crisis. Along with the food comes a sense of love and community and that is as nice as the meal.

I TOTALLY get the CG burnout--I have had to 24/7 care for my DH on 4 or 5 occasions and that meant I barely slept or had time to think. My church wanted to bring in meals, but we both had a couple of odd food allergies and couldn't be so picky as to say "Please don't use anything with MSG in it." I just cooked and cooked and went a little crazy each time.

Yes, the woman should have been more sensitive to all the coworkers home dynamics, but honestly, you know she meant well.

You have every right to feel what you feel. I am sorry you are worn out. This time of year, everything feels like you're walking through mud, doesn't it?
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gdaughter Dec 2019
i think it came up from a spontaneous desire to be helpful and caring. But I guess my feelings were nicked being that I feel in need and neglected on a daily basis as I'm sure so many here must on a more daily basis. I don't know if it will last or not...for all the days posted to bring something only about 5 have signed up thus far. And I also think, per the leader's short message it is also rooted in showing love and support in a difficult time. Once the family member is home (even now I wonder, if the husband/father is there during the day to accept the delivery) they could get meals on wheels, though that comes at a cost as well. In some places they get funding for that program, but ours is not one of those, so it is about $5 a day for one meal. Thanks for "getting it."
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I am sorry.  Hopefully you won't be shamed into participating.   At my office, no solicitations are allowed.  Your leader was out of line.  These things are fine for church groups etc., not in the workplace. You might tell the "leader" how burdened YOU are and why you cannot help.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2019
100% agreed........well said.
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