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My mother has dementia and is 97 years old. My sisters and I rotate caring for her. All but one sister is retired so she does fewer hours. We all know the sister that is working (retiring in 2 months) does not like my mom and resents caring for her but we need her because we are all exhausted. We think she got my mom recently. When my younger sister ran in she did so because she heard my sister yelling st my mom and my mom had her arms up as if protecting herself. What do we do? Tell her never to come back?

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Yelling, or trying to make herself heard? Is your mother deaf?

If it was angry yelling, you don't need to know for certain about the hitting; your sister shouldn't be caregiving. Take her out of the situation; and don't judge: just don't allow it happen again.

This statement, by the way, makes me the most appalling hypocrite because I often lost my temper through frustration and exhaustion and both yelled and swore quite freely. But not *at* her; and not to the point where my mother was fearful of me. There is a difference.

Your sister plainly resents doing her "share" - this isn't the church flower rota, and it doesn't work like that, but never mind - and is probably also tired if she's still running up to retirement. Forcing herself, or feeling that you are forcing her, is how this has got this far.

If the ?three ?more of you are overburdened, then you need to hire professional home assistance which should be paid for out of your mother's funds, because it is for your mother's benefit.
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Working Sister (WS) does not like your mom and you suspect she hit mom. You definitely know WS yells at this woman she doesn't like. Why on earth would you want her to spend any time at all with your mother? I presume the rest of you do like your mother, right?, and wish to protect her from harm.

What would you do if you found out a hired caregiver was treating your mother this way? Fire her and report her to her agency, I assume. Why would you allow your sister to continue with this behavior?

Yes, you need some help. But not from someone who might actually hurt mom. Either use Mom's funds to hire a large part of mom's in-home care, or to place her in an appropriate care center. With Mom at 97 I assume that you and your sisters are elderly or approaching that status. It is perfectly OK to acknowledge that you cannot continue to care for her.

That WS was willing to contribute some time to caring for the mother she does not like says a lot, I think, about how much she does like you. She thought she could do this for your sakes, but it appears she was wrong. Relieve her of this "duty" but please don't break all ties with her.
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If I really thought that she hit her, I don't think I'd leave mom unattended with her again.

If a family member is not able or willing to share in care duties, they should not be pressure or required to do so. Those who want to do it, should arrange it amongst themselves or hire private caregivers to cover the needed time periods. Not everyone is cut out for this type of thing. Of course, it doesn't justify any harm to your mother, but, I would immediately make other arrangements for mom's care. Being exhausted is likely an indicator, that it's too much for each of you. I'd explore the options for help and allow those sisters who are not inclined to provide care to do not be included.
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This is Kattcaregiver. I had a typo. Correction: WE THINK MY SISTER HIT MY MOTHER WHO IS 97 (not got my mother as I accidentally typed). Thank you.
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