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Mom really hasn't eaten in 3 weeks now; just a teaspoon of jello or part of a popsicle. She's still drinking fluids. She's been home for 9 weeks now and is definitely weakening and sleeping a lot more. She had broken her hip and fractured pelvis in 2 spots and refused physical therapy due to pain. If she has any dementia, it is very mild. She keeps insisting on us helping her try to walk. A few weeks ago, my husband and I sat her on edge of bed and put a walker in front of her and got her on her feet. She couldn't support herself at all. Today she asked to try again! I told her she can't and she keeps wanting to try. I said no. She said that she can't be a cripple the rest of her life and she needs to eat to get better. The nurse told me she's not going to improve, which I pretty much knew. So it seems that she's forgotten she's going to die and that's she's just sick and will get better. Any advice on what to say to her? Thank you all so much.

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Does she remember that she couldn't do it the day before?Why not suggest that when she is stronger she can try again, but right now rest is better for her. I know this is hard.
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jacobsonbob Apr 2020
golden23--I think that's a wonderful answer! I figure that if she is that optimistic about living, there's no reason to depress her by convincing her she's dying. If she doesn't already realize that herself, it doesn't really matter--maybe she'll go with a smile on her face!
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If she wants to try to stand, and you and your husband can support her safely, let her try. When she fails, you say "never mind, we can try again tomorrow" and help her safely back into bed.

If there is something she would like to eat, you offer it to her. She probably won't manage more than a taste of it. That's okay.

In short - whatever offers your mother peace of mind and comfort in the moment is *fine.*

If she has always been a religious person - has she? - and you have any concerns about her being prepared for death in a ritual way, consult her minister.
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MJ1929 Apr 2020
^^´This is by far the best answer.

She won't be trying to stand much longer, so just go with it for this short time.

Be positive, be kind, and just love on her while she's still with you.
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If I were you I would let her try to stand up if that's what she wants. It isnt hurting anyone for her to try.

Only Gid truly knows if your mom is going to get better or not.

If she wants to eat more feed her more.

If you already know her wishes once she dies, then there is no need to discuss her dying.

The mind has a lot to do with a person getting better or not.

Whst purpose would it make to tell a person they are never going to get better and they are going to die? We're all going to die at some point.

Let your mom live out her remaining time on this earth doing exactly whatever she wants, as long as she isn't hurting anyone.

She just might surprise you. 😇

I wouldn't
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bunnymom Apr 2020
Her mother is in HOSPICE. She isn't going to magically get better. Your reply is very dismissive, insensitive and ludicrous.
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I really feel for you. I went through the same thing a year ago. I did in home hospice for my mom who wanted to pass as she was tired and had cancer. My day was also sick but after my mom passed at home he decided he was going to get better. He had Mesothelioma. He even got his drivers lic renewed. He had to take a driving test as neighbors and family all complained to the DMV and they still, even with a doctors note, let him get it! Eventually he became so weak he had no choice but to allow us to make decisions. Time of our death is out of our hands and sometimes it can take a very long time with a lot of ups and downs and rallies. I tried to explain things to my dad but who wants to hear they have no hope. Just show your mom all the love you can. If it makes her feel better to try, let her try. I would give anything to just be able to talk to my parents again for just a second. Once they are gone that is it. I know it can be a lot of work and can get very emotional but death is a part of life. Hospice can come to the home to help you. They are very special people. Let them advise you when the time is right to maybe move her to a hospice. My dad was only at the hospice a few days before he passed. He was so out of it by the time we moved him he thought he was still in Maine where he lived. I just told him YES you are in Maine just like you wanted. He smiled and closed his eyes and that was pretty much it. I would let her have her hope and be patient with her. Show her all the love you can and remember it will be your turn one day too.
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When my father was "dying" he was so down. As a personal trainer and nutritionist, he always valued my opinions. I bought some one pound weights and right until he could no longer move, he "exercised". And you know what? The sense of control and positive outlook it provided him was immeasurable. Of course I knew it wasn't physiologically helping. But for him, to "go down fighting" let him do it his way. Reverse the roles for a minute and think about how you might feel. I'd want to do whatever I could to hang on. If I expressed that to my child and they prevented me from even trying, I can't imagine how depressed that would make me.
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Hospice means palliative care. Some people rally during hospice. If she wants to rally and try to get up, let her. Be positive and just love on her.
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When she starts asking, give her a kiss and depart. Therapeutic fibbing may help her ease her way toward acceptance and departing from this world onto her next journey whatever that may be.
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I think we all know that we will die. Accepting it is another story. The will to live can be fierce. Sometimes it takes awhile before accepting death.

Sometimes, just before the end there is a burst of emotions and it’s sort of the last hurrah! Look up rallying before death. My brother did this before his death.
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Your Mom has positive spunk and a will to survive... please do not throw cold water on it. My husband was in hospice last year... and turned around and is not longer on hospice, and is alive, doing better and at home with me while we journey through this dismal world crisis of Covid 19 and economic collapse. Your Mom's attitude is a diamond to treasure. Do your best to be your best for her, the family and yourself.
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Don't focus on the future. Focus only on the present. If she wants to try to get up, let her. If she wants to eat something with more calories or nutrients, let her. If she talks about doing better, focus on whatever is achievable in the moment. She is living in the midst of decline. Celebrate the time she is with you: play the favorite songs, watch the favorite movies, eat the favorite foods, and allow her to tell stories of her favorite memories.

Since she is declining, you and your family and friends must decide on end of life matters, the after she is gone time. She is focused on living.
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