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I am a 46 year old daughter with a mom who is 88 and has lived with me for over 20 years now. She was dx with Alzheimer's in 2009 and has been on medication since. We moved from Texas to Arizona in late 2010. She did well for about a year, but the past couple years she is going down hill fast.
We have been on different medications, some good some bad. But the last year, she has REFUSED to go to the doctor. Let me back up a second. Mom has numerous medical problems, heart, thyroid, diabetes, blindness, incontinence, partial paralysis and of course Alzheimer's. Mom has always been a con artist and manipulator. She was an extremely abusive parent and abused as a child. NONE of which she will admit too. Doctors suspect schizophrenia but has been unable to get a good test on her.
OK back to the present. She has become combative, demanding, confused, violent at times, her sleep patters are reversed, she is refusing to eat or go to doctors or let anyone help her. With that said what on earth do I do? Last night she was crawling in the hallway at 4am screaming for me. I got up and tried to help. Well she thought it was daytime and we had left her alone for days. I managed to get her to her room after much struggle. Im now the evil child who will not help her, feed her, not to mention ive taken all her clothes from her, and now im poisoning her. The family will not help me, because of her past behaviors with them. I am doing the best I can. I have a Life partner, not same sex, and he helps me everyday. But now we are facing her refusal to take medications, eat almost nothing, go to doctor appointments or have anyone come into the house.
I suffer from mental and physical disorders also. I take medication and attend several appointments a week. I am listed SMI under the state. My partner helps me during these times. I also have a 30 yr best friend that has moved across country to help me with her. I give all I can and so does everyone else.
I know its time for a NH, however we share a bank account and although I have no income or SSD yet, I have received a lot of help from my uncle over the past 3 years...probably upwards of 50k that has gone through the account. To top this off I sold all of my property 4 years ago and all the funds went through this account. Now her monthly account is only about 1500, so I can get her Medicaid based on her income but what about the bank account?
I cannot care for her any longer. what are my options?

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Thank you for all the advise. Sometimes it is just too much. Well after a pure hellish weekend, mom slept all night long, and this morning she is sweet as pie. I think that's the hardest part never knowing what to expect from her. The good the bad and the ugly... She took all her medications fine and ate breakfast with no problem. Tomorrow who knows.

I had to reschedule the appointment with the doctor for Friday. Ive been doing some research on things you've all suggested and Im going to address them with him. Hes very understanding to the situation, Im hoping he will help with the hospital and placement. He is also my doctor so he knows the challenges I face with my own health.

From what I have been able to find online, financially were going to be screwed (pardon the language) they will go back 3-5 years and take into account all the monies from the account and she will have half of all the funds counted as her income, plus a penalty fee for the sale of her property in texas. But at this point, I have no income so they cannot take from me what I do not have. They may deny her Medicaid coverage, or charge her a huge penalty, but they cant take what she doesn't have.
Also, according to my therapist, they cant force me to keep caring for her because of my own health status with the state. Im not sure what that means or what they will or can do with her or the finances, but the state would have to figure that out.
Now with all that said. If the state takes over her care, I may not be able to see her, if they move her to a facility 300 miles away.

I will keep you posted, and thank you so much for letting me vent and giving such good advice!
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Agree with above. Next time she has an episode, or is very confused, call 911 and tell them you are concerned this is a psychotic episode and they will take her to ER and then she is in medical system and they can properly diagnose and figure a care plan. DO NOT LET THEM DISCHARGE HER BACK To YOU or bully you to take discharge back to your care.

She needs skilled care that you are no longer able to provide. Time for her to get the extra care she needs, and you and your partner to move on with your own lives. With mom placed in a proper care facility, you can be the daughter without all the daily caregiving burden.

Take care of yourself, you deserve it.
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I totally agree with Eyerishlass. She's too much for you. Get her into an ER/hospital and let their discharge planners figure out the right placement for her - NOT back in your home. She needs professionals taking care of her. You've been a saint for doing as much as you've done, but now she's beyond staying at home.

I can't speak to the financial aspects of your situation, I'm sure others on here will chime in with good advice.

Please keep us posted on what happens.
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The next time she has an episode such as the one you described call 911. If she refuses to see a Dr. you have no other choice. Once she's in the ER you can explain your situation to the Dr. or nurse and this will get the ball rolling. You'll see a social worker and begin steps to get your mom in a facility. She'll probably kick and scream like hell when you call 911 but that will only convince the paramedics more that she needs to be seen by a Dr. Tell them that she has refused medical care in the past and you are concerned for her health. I'm sure once she's in the ER they will find something that will get her admitted. Dehydration maybe. Psychosis. Something. Tell the Dr. that you can no longer care for her and you don't know what to do.

I don't know how you can care for her like she is and I'm glad to hear that you realize this too. When our elderly parents become completely demented there is no caring for them at home, they have to be in a NH memory care unit. It's the best, safest place for them.

Good luck and bless your heart.
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