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My mother lived with me and my family for two years because my dad her x husband dropped her off at our house after his trailer was foreclosed and he lived in South Africa. I had asked for her to get senior care services and mental health help repeatedly and she refused We had to move from our rental as the landlord was selling the house. I had told her repeatedly I couldn’t care for her my daughter would cry and shake every time we returned home because of what was going my mother refused assisted living or any other care she only wanted me to do it all and so she had to move into an apartment when we moved and my grown children were also affected by her behavior and did not and do not have a relationship She is grieving over my dad’s recent passing and is accusing me of lying about the effects of her behavior and accuses us of bullying her and continues to blame any behavior on one uti not the course of time she spent with us. She is blaming me for her lack of relationship with everyone and accusing me of coercing her into loaning money for a vet visit for her grown grandson’s cat. I have taken her to a neurologist and she had testing and showed no evidence of dementia or Alzheimer’s. What do I do with this as I am the only person she has where we live and she lives alone without transportation I work, have a child with a learning disability and am very stretched I don’t know what to do with this

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Because you insert yourself as "helping" she can then justify blaming you for whatever. If you block her and have 0 contact then she won't be able to blame you. If you are in South Africa you will have to figure out what services there are for people like her, an agency where she can be reported as a vulnerable adult. You need to stop going back for the abuse and stop propping her up so that it delays an appropriate solution. Here in the US there aren't a lot of options for people with mental illness.
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You Have to create a strict boundary with her and Limit contact . I had a Mother who refused Mental Health counseling and In the end when she was sick with Dementia , Falling down , Hoarding her problems became everyone else's . She expected a Lot - Mostly Money . The Last couple years we Bought food, visited, cleaned her apartment . My Father even though they were Not Married supported her the Last 30 years of her Life . My son Took her Out for her Birthday and another Aunt catered to her . I Myself stepped back and Moved away But In the end the Last Year I was the One primarily caring for her . In retrospect Had she seeked mental health she Maybe alive today . She Became depressed , popped Xanax slept constantly and well Had a heart attack . You could give an Ultimatum - Seek Counseling or leave Me alone .
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Stop going back for more.
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We are mostly in the US with a few from other countries so our system maybe different than yours. APS is Adult Protection services. If you are in another country, if you have domething like this, you may want to contact them. Tell them Mom has no signs of Dementia but you feel there is some mental illness and because of this she won't get any help. Having a child with challenges, you are limited in the help you can give your Mom. If they will, let them take over her care.
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Are you in South Africa or are you in the United States?
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How old is she and what are her care needs? If you are concerned that she is a vulnerable adult who can’t take care of herself, I would call APS so that they can evaluate the situation.

If she has had a lifelong difficult personality and is mentally competent, I don’t know what you can realistically do other than help when it works for you and your family and keep good boundaries.
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You cut off all contact and let her manage her own life.

She's been abusive, she is abusive and always will be abusive. You're not responsible for the bad turns her life has taken. You did your best to help and she doesn't appreciate it. She has no transportation - but if you stopped providing it, she'd figure it out on her own. She has no friends or relatives - and whose fault is that? Her own.

You have enough going on in your life without the mess she creates. Devote your life to your child, your job and to yourself. I'm sorry you're caught up in this, but once you block your phones, stop being responsible for her needs, and call it quits, it's over. I wish you luck in getting through this!
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