What do I do when my mom calls me names?

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What do I do when my mom calls me names?

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My mother asked me to pick her up at 730 am to take her to her home that she is getting ready to rent out. I said " Yes I will drop you off and go back to my home to finish feeding and taking care of my animals then come back to take you grocery shopping. Well the house painter was 45 min. late and I told her I needed to get home to take care of the animals. Well that put her in a huff and she decided to have me take her back to her apt. I dropped her off but as she was getting out of my car, she yelled at me and called me " A COMPLETE B***H. We haven't talked in a month and a half. I feel she owes me an apology and it's tearing me apart. She is 90 years old and I feel she has no respect for my boundaries. Am I being unreasonable?. I feel she is verbally and mentally abusing me. I tend to almost all of her needs. I do so much for her. I just had my 60th birthday and she didn't even call or text me but on her 90th birthday in July I was the only one that made sure she had a wonderful day.. she has been this way with me for many many years

Communication & Language Depression Family Caregiver

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Go no contact, I haven't spoken to my mother in 13 years, the best 13 years of my adult life.

My mother abused me verbally as an adult and physically as well as a child.

It was either her or me, I chose me.

No one has the right to abuse another.

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It's ok to admit that life is pretty good for you now that your mother is no longer in it. Enjoy the peace and solitude and stop worrying about an apology that is never coming.

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I agree. 45 here and stopped waiting for that I’m sorry. Phone call. If it happens it happens is not then enjoy your life to the best of your knowledge.

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Welcome, Anhauser!

Does your mom have dementia? I am assuming not, since she is managing a rental and directing tradesmen.

Why do you keep assisting her if she isn't pleasant to you?

Are you expecting her behavior towards you to change? It won't.

Why not let her manage her own affairs and continue with your life?

Does anyone have POA?

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No, you are not being unreasonable. In fact, you handled it a lot nicer than I would have.
I would have thrown in a certain finger gesture and then not speak to her.

How you handle this is you do absolutely NOTHING for her until she apologizes and learns to ask nice.

When we are little kids the adult world is constantly making us 'ask nicely' and 'share' and 'apologize' and say 'please, thank-you, and may I'.

Sometimes seniors need to relearn that lesson. So teach it to her.
Until she apologizes and relearns basic respect and manner you do nothing for her. Not even a phone call.

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Laugh and leave, unless you want to say "Takes one to know one"

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exactly

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Take NOTHING personally, your mother has a brain disease. You do not have time to bicker about her foaming at the mouth. Ignore her best you can, but don't cut her off if she is calm and collected. Pretend its rabies and she just can't help it.

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I agree to take nothing personally; however when abuse happens it is happening to one's personal self...and has damaging effects which can accumulate over time. And if this mom's 'personality' has been like this all along, to any degree, this daughter has already 'absorbed' a gut full which may have already 'programmed' her brain in a negative way. When my mom lost her temper when I was a kid and verbally attacked me, yanking me around the kitchen, she also began to foam at the mouth; her eyes were vacant and glassy, and even as a little kid, about 5th-6th grade, I told myself, "She's not even there" and dissociated; these things add up to a lifetime of trauma which affects you all your life. Beware abusive behavior from anyone at any time, family member or not; too often family members dish it out the worst because they are behind closed doors, can put on a 'sane' face to the outside world. It IS a sort of 'rabies' (illness) and they can't help it, but we don't have to absorb it either; protect yourselves, friends! Mental illness, however it comes about, can, in a sense, become 'contagious.'

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I see nowhere you've said mom suffers from dementia or any other "brain disease" except snarkiness. For what it's worth, my mother DID have dementia and treated me badly. Whenever she got a wild hair and started her insulting behavior, I'd cut her right off, be it in person or on the phone. I'd tell her I wasn't putting up with that kind of talk and would come back, or speak to her, again when she was in a better mood. My mother understood me, in no uncertain terms, even WITH dementia. Yours will understand you, too.

That your mother is now choosing to "punish" YOU with The Silent Treatment after HER insult is truly the epitome of passive-aggressive behavior! 🙄

Here is a link to a great article you may want to read about passive-aggressive narcissistic behaviors and tips on recognizing and coping with them:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

Let mother know her words are unacceptable. Then leave her presence EACH TIME it happens. And enjoy the silent treatment. Don't take it as the weapon it's intended to be to break you down.

Good luck.

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You don't have to put up with verbal abuse; when she insults you put the ball back in her court and say out loud, "You cannot talk to me like that; if you continue to talk to me like that you can find someone else to help you." Then let the chips fall where they may.

Now, if your mom has cognitive impairment or illness of some kind, consult with a psychologist or social worker for ways to let that bad behavior roll off your back. If you have to , Laugh At Her when she insults/abuses you; treat her like a child as in 'That's Strike One!' and 'At Strike Three you will have to find another whipping boy. Lotsa Luck, Ma!' Some entitled people think they can get away with bad behavior because they are 'seniors' deserving 'respect', but respect is a two-way street. You are not your mother's Employee or Servant. You are her Helper and she has to accommodate your needs to get the help you can give her while also taking care of your own life.

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Well you are not alone.
My Father is 95, we do everything for him and never once a thank you or a nice word. Complains about EVERYTHING. I try to remind myself his mind and personality has changed so negatively from dementia, but I can't help but take things personally. He has no filter and is rude to me, my husband and the staff at Assisted Living. I go daily and it seems like nothing one does for this man is appreciated. Ironically I'm a nurse and take care of others who are way less fortunate than him, yet he seems to be the most ungrateful person I've ever dealt with. I feel your pain.

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I didn't see anything about your mother having dementia. You don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. I get that our parents raised us, but they were doing what they were supposed to do.

As for me, I wouldn't do a thing for disrespectful people. I would probably limit my time spent with this person. It got so bad with my dad before he died that he was lucky if he received a visit twice a year from me. I went to therapy for years, but it wasn't that I didn't care anymore. I stopped visiting because I was exhausted emotionally. He emotionally abused us for years.

What do I do when my mom calls me names?

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