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My grandma is only 57 years old, she refuses to shower, she’ll make every excuse to not shower and will rage and scream and start crying and say me and my mother treat her bad. Me (age 20) and my mom are feeling so discouraged on what to do. She smells awful other family members do not want her around because of this. It’s been over 4 months since I’ve seen her shower, and I can’t tell you the last time she’s brushed her teeth. She will change clothes, brush her hair and spray perfume on instead of showering. She lies and I think she believes them. She hordes trash and random things in her room, she refuses to do anything to make her home living conditions better. It’s like she comfortable with living without ac/ heat. The house is deteriorating. The plumbing is messed up the water has to be turned off and on manually. When we try to talk to her about everything that’s going on she blows up and tells us to leave, but we can’t just leave her like this. She never goes to the doctor and refuses to go. I’m afraid something is seriously wrong with her health, and mental state. Me and my mother do not know what we can do to get her help. Please someone give me info on what to do.

The thing that puzzles me is that she is only 57. I agree with Geaton, she sounds like she is depressed, possibly frustrated with her living conditions and afraid. Her mental state sounds off.

She needs to be seen by a doctor. Your mother should go with her. Your mom should call before hand and speak to the doctor to fill him/her in on the total picture of what is going on.

This is just a thought. What if you go away for a weekend? Would she go to a hotel? You would have proper working plumbing and a place free of clutter. Do you think she would shower there?
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Since your gramma is only 57 I can't imagine that showering is exhausting for her yet. It may be her depression. If her behaviors are changing from what's "normal" for her, I think your suspicions of something "wrong" are correct. Hoarding is a definite clue besides the avoidance of self care. Could be she may be veering into a different kind of mental illness, early onset dementia or a UTI.

At 57 she's not getting Medicare yet. Does she have healthcare coverage to afford to see a doc in the first place? It seems she lives in your home, so your mom (I'm assuming the homeowner) has leverage to tell her that if she doesn't start exercising hygiene AND have 1 wellness check with a doctor, she will be evicted. (FYI never make a threat you are willing and able to carry out.) This is a legal process and your mom will need to file a form that costs money and then she will post an eviction notice for 30 days and after that she can force your mom out. This sounds extreme because you need to motive her to go to the doc in some way.

If she agrees to go to the doc, your mom needs to go with her and discretely pass the doc a note she has written in advance saying she is exhibiting worrisome signs of dementia and to please test her for a UTI and do a cognitive exam. This should give your mom some info to know what to do moving forward. Let us know if you two make any progress with her. Your mom should try to convince your gramma to assign your her as PoA so that she can legally advocate for her if your gramma becomes unable to do it herself. Wishing you success in helping your gramma!
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Reply to Geaton777
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I will focus on the showering issue.... I have noticed for myself that taking a shower is like going to the gym for a work out. It can be very exhausting for many seniors. Especially if one has memory issues, etc. which sounds like your Grandmother may be having.

Another thing, some seniors become claustrophobic when in a shower. Especially if there are glass doors. I know for myself, I need to keep the far door open a couple of feet.

Then there is the fear of falling. If your love one is using a moisturizing liquid soap and/or hair conditioners, it will make the floor of the tub/shower feel like an ice rink, even with a tub mat inside. I almost slipped the other day.

Towel drying isn't easy. I find myself hopping around trying to get one foot and leg dry, can be a challenge. So easy to get one's feet tangled up in the towel.

Then if the parent needs to blow dry their hair, that can be tiring on their arms.

Whew !!

If a parent is a Depends wearer, baby wipes work quite well between showers. Recently I found a product called “Water Wipes” in the baby section, quite pleased with the wipes.

As for the other issues, many of us had to wait until there is a medical emergency before we can get that love one any help. 911, hospital, rehab, then nursing home or move to a relative's house. Your Grandmother sounds like she cannot manage on her own.
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