What do I do now that my caregiving days are over?

continued...

Dr. Vamik Volkan, a psychiatrist at the University of Virginia medical school, said, ''The recognition of the actuality of the death is a crucial event in the course of mourning.'' Dr. Volkan's method of ''re-grief'' therapy is intended to help those who suffer pathological grief.

Dr. Volkan's approach makes use of a common phenomenon in those with problems in mourning: the possession of a special object that links him to the dead person, such as piece of jewelry. These links are more than just treasured keepsakes; they are jealously guarded and hold an eerie fascination for the mourner.

These objects, Dr. Volkan said, are symbolic tokens jointly ''owned'' by both the mourner and the deceased person; it is a way of keeping the dead person ''alive.''

Because the person with this kind of grief is in a chronic state of hope that the dead person will return, Dr. Volkan at some point asks the mourner to bring in the linking object and explore its symbolic meanings.

This typically allows the mourner to face the fact of the death. This, Dr. Pollock said, ''can activate the mourning they haven't completed.''

Study of Normal Mourning Process Illuminates Grief Gone Awry
By DANIEL GOLEMAN
Published: March 29, 1988 in the New York Times

My life changed on march 27, 2016. My mother passed after three children. Cared for mom for nine years. I ask the same question. What do i so now. Still trying to assume a normal life.

Monkey: You as well have found your job-a volunteer on this site and are helping people! Thank you for that! Oh, how we need it when we're in the throws of caregiving!

It appears that the article reposted from 1988 is incomplete. It ends with the words "that they actually..."

arianne777: I think the article from 1988 got a continuation, 2 times, and actually did finish. just a fairly long article!!

sulynn: Please accept my condolences in the loss of your loves ones. Even after much 'practice' it would be very hard. My prayers are with you. God Bless you and Keep you close!

Right now i have found that it helps if I schedule at least 1 thing a day to get out of the house. I am putting myself out there in small group at church, grief therapy, babysitting the grand babies, even going to the doctor, just seeing other living people! I'm still in the infancy of grieving, it is the worst loss I've ever suffered, but as a Momma myself, I know 100% certain that my late Mom would want me to be happy! Praying for you.

NY - thank you so much for all that you wrote. I printed it out and look at it every once in a while. It helps to know that all these feelings are to be expected and hopefully will eventually lessen.

Yes, i want to thank NY. The articke described so well as i can see myself going through most of the stages..so real. Thank you once again

I am trying to to find a new me. I am trying to take small steps. I went out to dinner Sunday night with my family. Before my father had dementia he would take all of us out for Sunday dinners. I enjoyed the dinner so much. Happy memories of good times.

I am so sorry for your loss, Monkeydoo!

NYDaughterInLaw

Thank you for posting this article, but many don't need it. One of the best ways to grieve and feel closer to ones you have lost, is a nice walk in the park, preferably at dawn. If you're near a body of water, be it a lake, ocean or river, a visit there can be calming and powerful as well. Nature can be the best healer.

zytrhr: NYDaughterInLaw was kind enough to write so much. That was VERY NICE OF HER, DON'T YOU THING ZYTRHR?

I did like the article NYDaughterinLaw posted. Some of this I had read before, but it was good to review it again as it re enforces the information which is helpful.

Llamalover47

Yes it was kind and nice of her. Nature really is all you need. After dealing with medical people, be it nurses, doctors, NH staff, etc. after their loved one has died, many just need some time to be alone. A nice walk in the park, looking at birds chirping, squirrels gathering nuts, sun and cloud, can be the be the best medicine, and best of all it is free. We're connected to nature, so it would make sense that nature would be there to help us through difficult times, don't you think?

Thanks for the reminder about the healing powers of nature, Llamalover47. I moved out of my city apartment eight months after my husband, Robert, died, and now live in an independent living facility in the country. When I first moved here, I took a short walk on the property every day. I sat in the gazebo, listened to the wind chimes, and reflected on my days with Robert. A brief illness prevented me from going outside for a while, and I haven't resumed my walks in several months. I'm going to use your message to kick start my walking habit. And I'll watch the squirrels chasing each other 'round the trees. Thank you.

Arianne777 and zytrhr: You're very welcome.

I have been going outside and to the park, as well as reading material on grief and life after. Both things have helped me. I watch the ducks in the pond and on the river and yes, the squirrels are fun to watch. Animals are great to watch and I have gone to 2 zoos and an aquarium in the last months. I also am enjoying the leaves changing color and it reminds me that there are bigger things at work in the Universe and we are small yet can overcome our problems.

You're welcome, JaneCA!