I’m a carer for a 96 year old friend. I’ve known her for over 25 years but my caring role has only really started in the last 5 years. My Friend has in the last year become very, negative and constantly nit-picks and makes rude and or unkind comments about everyone to anyone and does not seem to care how upset she might make them feel, including me. Last week I took her out to the New Forrest to see the Pigs tootling about during Panage. I accidently took the wrong turn which made her start to berate my driving skills. She went on and on telling me what an idiot I was and made me go from a normally relaxed, competent driver to an unsure, unconfident driver. After taking two more wrong turns, I lost my rag and threatened to put her out at the next bus stop. She laughed!! there’s been a couple of other occurrences where she has or could have caused a serious accident. (She had a gs leak. While I was going round opening the doors and windows, she lit a match. She says just to see if the leak was serious or not!!)Normally | would ignore her constant negativity but am afraid her behaviour over this year is getting so negative and derogatory that I actually dread going to see her every week. Do I sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart with her. Or do I ignore her behaviour?
I was convinced she had a UTI and asked her about the possibility, but as with anything to do with her health, she will only tell me what she wants me to know and never admits when she’s not well. this makes getting any kind of help or care in for her impossible.
It is sad to watch our friends and loved ones change with debilitating disease, but you can not fix it or change it.
This is becoming too difficult for you, and could become dangerous. It is time to back away and let professional caregivers take care of her.
You may wish to have that heart to heart with her because you have had a longtime close relationship, but, really, it may not resonate with her if she is mentally compromised.
You are looking for some semblance of your old friendship, but, sadly it is gone. Driving her to events is no longer an option!
If she refuses help from others, that is unfortunate. Does she have family who can take over managing her care? Is there some option for state agency to take over and make decisions in her best interest?
You do not need to manage her care. If you feel you want to continue to help her out as best you can, because you don't want to see your dear friend struggle with the challenges of her disease, then you need to develop a tough skin, and learn to not take what she says so seriously, understand that she is no longer herself, she may act much like a toddler, and you will have to respond as you would to a toddler. And, when it is too much for you, learn to walk away, at least take a break from the situation before returning.
I agree with others. Do not run yourself ragged or give more than feels gratifying to you. Cease the constant attempts to please her. It’s quite likely that nothing can at this point. Sad, but much sadder if you lose your own time trying.
Speaking rationally with a dementia patient did not work in our family.
If you dread going to see her every week, that is a sign to let you know that she needs more assistance. It is wearing you down.
With both my parents, we had to get help for them, even though they opposed. It kept them safe and cared for, and eventually they agreed.
Send the woman a card or a note in the future rather than continuing to compromise your own peace of mind. Let her family know why you're backing away, sure. But be firm and stick to your guns. My mother with dementia was very abusive towards me so I kept my contact with her limited. I did things for her from the sidelines w/o subjecting myself to her wrath.
Best of luck to you.
I agree with others who recommend you try to contact her family, and if she has none, contact social services for whatever country she resides in. Then back completely away so that her needs are apparent. It won't feel good or right, but it will bring about an appropriate and permanent solution for her.
Bless you for staying by her side for this long. No one will blame you for backing away -- many on this forum have done it, and many more wish they could.
May you receive peace in your heart.
MG8522's answer is best. Contact family. Then take a step back to preserve your mental and physical health.
Just visit if you care to, if she's kind, and briefly or not at all if she is not. Would you treat someone as she treats you? You need kindness.
My similar experience started 9 yrs ago. My dying 49 yr old dearest friend asked me to watch-out-for her caregiver Mom and autistic brother who lives with Mom.
Mom is sweet as sweet could be. Almost like a child. But the evolution of this Watch Out For business didn't wind up with criticism but instead a pile of Asks that resulted with Mom, now 85 and almost 275 lbs doing so little, while I was doing more and more, that she can barely walk except to the bathroom, bed and kitchen. Almost like a slug in a recliner she was tethered to the TV.
Her boy, Michael, is 48 (with the capability of an 10 yr old) and could've been better functioning and socially adept had I not enabled Mom's method of managing his sequestered life. She needed him to get the mail.
She's made no provision for him should she not ever return home. I've been telling her to think about Michael for years. Her reply…I have to think about that. She gave so much money to a church that she was audited and now doing ok but that money could've gotten him in a group home. I didn't realize how erroneously guilt-ridden I was, how it was twisting me up and making me ill, until I stopped.
The moment of opportunity to be free.
I put on the brakes almost 2 months ago when her sister came for a short stay to help 24/7 with Michael after Mom fell for the second time in their apartment condo. Her short stint in rehab is going on 6 weeks. The rehab place has to build her back up from an already terrible baseline. I know I was expected to help but if I did they would NOT have clearly and fully realized the enormously disasterous situation. Believe me it was difficult to say no.
All this to say, Life Is Short!!! And you're not a slave or a professional. Above all you should not eat poop! No one should be disrespected. I understand the pull to help someone in need, boy do I, but your piece of the puzzle is Friend not a plug in the cracked dam.
I agree that this behavior on the part of your friend may not be her fault at all. Nevertheless, like the dumb one cell ameoba, recognize the irritant and avoid it or else Madame you will suffer more and more, and help with her needs will be delayed.
It's time for family and/or professionals to get involved. YOU may be delaying true and better help.