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It is 3:11 AM as I type this. I won't be able to rest my mind until I get this out. A very nice hospice nurse came. I asked her to "make sure" she was gone. She assured me she was. I still was in a state of disbelief although I knew the nurse was right. I was about 90% sure... but still had that little bit of doubt. It was only after a few hours of feeling her body cool down that I believed it. In that time, I said what I felt I had to tell her (they say hearing is the last to go) - I kissed her, held her hand, hugged her, then rinse and repeat a few more times while we waited for 2 very professional looking and kind young men wearing ties at 12:30 AM and driving nice black SUVs to come for her. One handed me a rose. He also gave me a bear hug which I accepted with my whole heart and gave back the same.
I'm glad it happened late at night because my mom was always a private person, and she wouldn't have liked the commotion outside during the day.
It's very surreal. For the past 6-1/2 years, mom became my partner in crime, my responsibility, and finally, like my child. Dementia is a bitch and don't let anyone ever tell you differently. When she was diagnosed in 2011, it was like being told she had arthritis. Doctor was matter-of-fact, and she and I looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and figured it was old age forgetfulness. I couldn't have known the road we would travel, the crucial decisions I would have to make on her behalf which were pretty constant, the time consumption, the patience I'd have to have, or the wear and toll it would take on me back then. So to say I'm a little relieved it's over is not a lie. And to tell you all that I will remember her at her prime is not a lie either. The woman dying in that bed was nothing but a shell. MY mother will always be dressed to the nines, with perfectly coiffed hair, elegant earrings, and Shaklee Cola Frost lipstick. She will always have her wedding ring (which she lost a few years back) shining on her finger. She will always have bracelets on her wrists and costume jewelry matching her beige (her favorite color to wear when I was a teenager) outfits. Her jewelry 'wardrobe' was pastels as she became older and the disease began to take hold. Pastels - blue, aqua, pink, purple. She is the woman who wears a Christmas apron and flies like Tinkerbell around the kitchen on Christmas Eve - her food would put a 5-star restaurant to shame. She will forever and eternally be cooking something from scratch, and laughing so hard at her own silly jokes that it's contagious. She may even snort and then laugh harder at that as tears fill her eyes. She could be comedic. She will always have that naive innocence and pleasant warm nature. (Think the innocence and purity of Edith Bunker, no lie) - oh, and she had a major thing for flowers. Real, silk, didn't matter... I joked her house in FL looked like a Greek funeral home. This was a woman who EMBRACED caring for her husband and daughter. Embraced it. I have family video of mom and one of their dogs running on the beach. I have video of her sharing her first Christmas with dad in 1941... and one of her swimming like a mermaid in a Miami hotel pool with her sisters wearing a swim cap and so many other moving pictures of this woman living a life most of us would envy. This is a woman that remained faithful through the decades - 67 years married. The way marriage is supposed to be. All that made my mother that woman began to die a few years ago. Her spark, humor, wit, abilities... all fell away. As hard as it was on me, I know it was harder on her. This past couple of years we dealt with a broken hip, broken pelvis, and a few weeks ago; bad fall on a tile floor. A person can only rally back and recover so many times. Mom's body was tired and worn.
So where is she now? On my shoulder? With the stars above? Having a family reunion? Is she everywhere? Nowhere? See, ENERGY CANNOT DIE - it just transfers - and this eloquent lady had an abundance of it. I guess this is where faith really comes in. You see, I asked dad last night to please take her in time for Valentine's Day.
He answered. And you know what? I knew he would. The man has had my back my whole life. I knew he would come through. Since i have not slept tonight I am going to come on later tomorrow. I am okay. I fell apart already, then I was okay. The coming days will be a repeat of that, I'm sure. I would like to extend a special thank you to Holly. Holly cared for mom as though she were her own mother. Holly kept the ship from sinking, and cared for my mother intimately without blinking an eye.
Thank you all for being such a wonderful support system. My father told me something I have carried with me. He was a very intelligent man. He used to tell me, "Paula, in the end, all that matters is love."
As always, my father was right. And you have all shown me and mom great love.
I am an only child, also, and my Mom was 98 when she passed. After my Mom passed, my Dad wanted me to get their house ready to sell, as he wanted to move to Senior Living. So that kept me soooo busy I couldn't think about my Mom not being here.
But I know the feeling when my Dad, also in his 90's, had to eventually move from IL into Assisted Living. His passing caught us all by surprised. I was Daddy's Girl, and he had taught me about taking care of things if ever I was on my own. That was the best gift ever.
Ah yes, the "what ifs", I think we all go through that. I know I did. But we need to realize that we were thrown into a situation where we didn't have any training. So we did the best we could with the knowledge we had. My folks had passed last year, they both had a wonderful long life. I am still exhausted. I am 70, so I feel 90. I need a nap.
I love you Mom don't have to just be on mothers day or her birthday you should say it everyday and night because you never know when you will see them again. and if you mom is in the hospital go visit them no matter how far the hospital is.
so many tears-cry- yes u should- crying helps-its a way the body can release some of the pain and hurt u r feeling- i send u huggggggggggggggggss
and love- k
I only have my primary because I am unemployed and can't afford a counselor.
The flip side is something we all know, and has been addressed. Your emotions -such as crying- to me does sounds very normal. If possible, try to refrain from showing them to your Mom when with her however, as you never know what she can pick-up on.
Be strong during this dark time~
Hap
All my best to you and your family.
No one on God's green Earth could have prepared me for this time in life.
So do give yourself time to vent and cry...it is normal. Sounds like the hospice folks are helping...so take a little break when you can.
I am convinced that the greatest gift you can give someone is to help them pass to the next life.
Peace to you and your mother,
Lilli