I'm a caregiver. I’m taking care of a lovely elderly woman, she lives with family members, The family member in charge of her is on vacation, while she is away, there is male member of the family who is at home, when I arrive to take care of her, the person who is currently at home He is in the family's room all the time, it makes me feel super uncomfortable, I take care of the lady for a few hours, and literally the family member he does not leave the room, not even to give us privacy when needed, he lies in my client's bed, and what I can't stand anymore he smokes in the room inside, He has his own room in the house, but he sleeps in the room where I am taking care of the elderly lady, he eats there, watches TV there while I am there, I feel useless, it is actually uncomfortable because I always try to be busy doing light cleaning or cooking for the old lady. This has not happened before, when the family member in charge is at home.
The family member who makes me feel uncomfortable has never been aggressive with me or disrespected me, but just the fact that he is in the same room. I don't like it at all and it makes me feel very uncomfortable, what should I do about it?
He might be making sure mom is being taken care of. He might not have had a worry when the other person was in charge and could supervise.
Although sleeping with her is a bit odd, it would be different if there was another bed in the room, or a chair that he slept in.
but again you do not have to put up with him in the room.
If the person in charge is reachable by phone, and you will be in this position for a while you might want to give her a call or text and ask that she talk to this man and ask him to respect boundaries that he keeps when she is there. (although this is something you would do with a child, not a 60+ year old man.)
This is what I don't like, that he does not give his mother privacy. The smoking may not even be allowed when the main Caregiver is home. I would definitely mention to the person when they come back from vacation what has been going on. When asked how things went, say u were surprised that the son spent all the time you were there in the same room. You thought this was odd because he did not do it when the main caregiver was there. Also, that he smoked. He made you feel very uncomfortable.
Maybe he thought while caregiver was away, he needed to watch over you.
I'd also object strongly to him smoking while in the same room as you and/or his mother. No way!
Then tell them what was going on while they were away.
I think you've got a case of 'When the cat's away the mice will play' going on now.
I'd definitely tell the family member when they get back about everything going on now.
So it is up to you what you can tolerate, on this or any other job. He sounds odd, to be certain, but the world is chock full of odd folk. So it comes down to personal tolerance. No one ELSE can decide that for you.
This was one of the reasons I put cameras in my LO home. I could see when family came in and disrupted the household.. It helped me be able to take appropriate action. I would have had a fit if I saw this on camera.
How long are you there? Do you relieve another caregiver? When do you expect your employer back? Did she leave you instructions for emergencies?
Regardless, I would call the person who pays my wages and let her know that you need her help.
I would let her know that it is awkward for you to discuss this but more awkward to deal with the situation.
I would explain that you aren’t able to go about your daily tasks with him not leaving the room even when the elder needs privacy and you can’t be around the smoke. Tell her you need her to speak to him or you will have to leave.
He is being beyond disrespectful to the elder, to you and to your employer with this disgusting behavior.
Is he elderly, disabled? The lady’s son? Awful he does not give her privacy.
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. I sure hope you aren’t making his food, cleaning up after him…
I'm there 6 hours every day, there's no other caregiver, and the lady's son he is retired which he is always there.
Thank you for your kind response.
If you want to keep the job, you should talk to the person who hired you and explain your discomfort with this man's presence and habits. It is a health issue when someone smokes nearby. It's bad for the lady and bad for you. Certainly he shouldn't be on her bed at any time due to germs, virus, and other issues, such as maybe he gets his kicks from being in her private space. (I've run into a lot of weirdos, and you never know what they're thinking; red flags go up when I learn of someone taking liberties in someone else's personal space. Example: a friend hired a veteran from a vets' shelter to do carpentry work in her home; he plundered her underwear drawer and masturbated onto her panties in her bed - caught on security camera.)
I'm sure you could find another job where you're not subjected to this treatment!
So, before the main person left on vacation, where did this male member of the family stay during the day - and sleep at nite? And when you say he's in the "family room," is this the elderly woman's bedroom?
Why is he now eating in the elderly person's room - he didn't do this before, correct? When will the main person be back from vacation? Hopefully, it won't be too long - and when she returns, you need to share it all with her as an update...and explain that if she plans any future time away, to kindly implement a more comfortable structure at their home in advance to avoid this. For now, you can ask for privacy when assisting the elderly woman - and on your downtime there, is there another room you can be in? And as far as smoking, you can politely ask him not to do so in the elderly woman's room for health reasons.
Wishing you the best of luck in this ~
Correct, the members are the children of the old lady, before the person in charge went on vacation, the son was normally in his room, he has his own space in the basement, but since the person in charge is on vacation now he sleeps there with the old woman, (in my client's room)and yes there is a place where I could go to avoid the cigarette smoke, the house is huge,
Thank you for your response.
I find this odd if it is not her husband.
You have to establish boundaries.
This should have been done when you first began working for the family.
You are in charge with regard to the care of the woman you are paid to care for.
YOU tell the man (I will not call him a gentleman) that you need him to leave the room while you are caring for "Ms. Smith" she deserves privacy and you are respecting her in that manner.
If the man has been smoking all along you can't all of a sudden say you can't stand it.
I think it might be time to part ways on this job.
Tell the person that is in charge of "Ms. Smith" what has happened and that this is making you uncomfortable, and you do not feel that "Ms. Smith" is getting the privacy and respect that she deserves.
If you wish tell them you will stay until they find another caregiver, you may even suggest someone if you know of any other caregivers that would want the job.
What might happen is the woman that is in charge of the person you are caring for might talk to the man and tell him that he needs to stay out of your way when you are working. If that is a solution that is for you to decide...and you may only find out if that is effective if the woman that is in charge leaves again for an extended time since he does not act like this when she is there.
In the mean time YOU can tell him to leave the room.
You can tell him that you do not want him smoking in the room when you are there.
(personally..I would not work in a household where there is a smoker. I have turned down Volunteer opportunities at the Hospice if someone in the house is a smoker. The 1 time I did sit for someone I left a bathrobe in the garage and I stripped down before entering my house. I showered and did laundry right away.)