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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My mom, who will soon be 90, refuses to discuss issues with her feet and skin rashes with a doctor. She acts like they don’t know anything, or some other excuses.
Its unreasonable, imo, to "respect your mother's feelings" when THEY are unreasonable! If she wants to continue the privilege of living in your home, then she MUST see the doctor about her skin rashes and foot issues. Otherwise she can go live in Skilled Nursing care where her skin rashes and foot issues WILL be monitored for her whether she likes it or not.
I never gave my mother a choice about certain things. She had to be treated like a child because she chose to act like a child 99% of the time and then guess who's problem it became? Mine. As POA and only child, it was my responsibility to see to it my mother was properly cared for, whether she agreed or not. It's tough, I know, especially that we're put into a position of being The Bad Guy to begin with. But at about 87, mom started down the dementia highway and by 92, she was in Memory Care. I had to make all decisions on her behalf anyway.
Tell her that you don’t know what the problem is with her feet, but if it gets worse she may need to go into hospital and then to a nursing home. Is that what she wants? If it isn’t, her best bet is to check with a doctor.
You can let her doctor know the condition of mom’s feet and skin by sending a message on the patient portal. You can accept that if she has a sound mind, she can refuse medical care. She wouldn’t be alone in not acting in her own best interests. One thing for sure, you can’t make her do anything, frustrating as that is, more discussion and argument will only annoy you both. Be sure she’s competent and aware of consequences, then let it go. I wish you peace
"...it is a struggle. I want to respect her feelings but I’m worried I’m being neglectful by not insisting she be seen and follow doctors instructions. My mom had always gotten angry when she doesn’t get her own way."
My Mom is 96 and worked as an RN so she is very convinced no one knows more than her when it comes to her own health. She lives next door to me, she's been single parent most of her life, and I am her only child who lives next door to her. I am her DPoA for financial and medical.
My Mom will often attempt to put me on a wild goose chase for her medical issues. She is recently just off meds for cellulitis in her feet and lower legs. Two trips to Urgent Care, 2 courses of antibiotics, 3 meds in all. She is doing much better but she still has some swelling and it hurts when someone touches her skin. She calls me up to complain about it (I'm currently house-bound due to a recent achilles tendon reattachment surgery so cannot scooter over to her house). I inform her of her options: that at this point "you may need IV antibiotics... are you willing to do this?" And she sputters "no" because she realizes what she wants is a miraculous healing. I inform her if she isn't willing to cooperate with the only solution for her problem that she will need to live with the discomfort and possible future further problems it will create, which will cause both of us headaches, and her mobility.
You can ask your Mom what she thinks will happen if her condition doesn't go away on its own. Ask her at what point is she willing to get help? Does she want to have an ambulance come and get her, because that's where this is all going (my Mom just dreads the thought of going out on a gurney so it's a big motivator).
In the end, if you are her MPoA and even if she doesn't have a formal diagnosis of impairment, you are to be acting in her own best interests.
Would she agree to a telemedicine conference with her primary doctor? That's how I eventually got my Mom on Lexapro for her mild depression (but she had been to her primary earlier in the year for an in-person physical).
Is your Mom still able to walk with her medical problem? Losing mobility may be a motivator. I continuously ask questions because I believe that if a person is not demented, they will eventually get boxed in by their lack of rationality. But that's one of the symptoms of cognitive decline: extreme stubborness is really their continued loss of ability to use reason and logic.
It would be helpful to know if your Mom has a diagnosis of memory or cognitive impairment, and if you (or anyone) is her MPoA.
Thank you for sharing your experience. My mom’s mobility is very challenged due to bad feet, (severe bunions) and bad knees causing her to be severely knock-kneed. She never sought treatment for either. She can barely walk with a walker. I asked her doctor at the last appointment about getting a scooter of some kind to use in her home. She’s fallen many times, broke a hip, knocked out her front teeth, etc. The doctor said if she’s in a scooter she will only get weaker. She’s lost about 60 lbs in recent years from her normal adult weight, she’s very frail now. I feel like she’s on a downhill slide. She refuses to do anything about these issues so now I just don’t want to be neglectful if I’m missing something or if I must do something. I’m lost.
I hope others have some good advice for you in this situation but I have to say it is hard for me to imagine dealing with or caregiving for someone who isn’t medically compliant. That seems to me to put an enormous burden on the caregiver, who now has to second-guess how serious this or that condition is and how much she should make a fuss or put her foot down. And do all this without — I assume— any medical training.
Lots of serious things can go wrong involving the skin and feet. My late father was a quadriplegic and needed lots of medical oversight for different issues. Thankfully, he was a good patient.
Mentally competent adults have the right to refuse medical treatment if they want to. I think caregivers or would-be caregivers have the right to refuse to participate in that scenario.
Thank you for your comments, it is a struggle. I want to respect her feelings but I’m worried I’m being neglectful by not insisting she be seen and follow doctors instructions. My mom had always gotten angry when she doesn’t get her own way.
My mom is 80 and as far as I can tell, has no dementia. She hasn’t seen a doctor in 30+ years. I suspect she may have been abused by a doctor in her childhood — her phobia is that strong.
Anyway, she has mobility problems, drags one leg, and uses a walker. No immediate infections or wounds or anything like that to my knowledge. I worry all the time about the respecting her autonomy and wishes vs the fact that I am her DPOA and health care proxy and the person who checks on her 3X per week and helps her, so when and for what do I insist she doesn’t get her way?
She has said that she would agree to medical care for a stroke, broken bone or gushing wound. I know full well there’s plenty of other things that could happen too. She does get flu and Covid vaccines. And she has called for “lift assist” a few times now when she winds up (unharmed so far!!) on the floor and can’t get herself back up.
Feet and skin issues sound potentially dire. Do you know about her blood sugar levels? like others have said, how can you know whether this is serious or not?
Sue, your mother is about 90, “she’s very frail now”, and you “feel like she’s on a downhill slide”. She is never going to be young and healthy again. Why not follow her preferences and simply wait for the end? You “just don’t want to be neglectful”, but there is really no point in prolonging all of this. I’d suggest that you get it all in writing from someone like a doctor that you talk to, and then just wait.
I have times when I feel this way for sure, maybe she does too. My mom still has her mental faculties though her judgement may be failing. I go back and forth on what my moral responsibilities are, I guess that’s where I’m at and reaching out for advice. I appreciate your response and others’.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I never gave my mother a choice about certain things. She had to be treated like a child because she chose to act like a child 99% of the time and then guess who's problem it became? Mine. As POA and only child, it was my responsibility to see to it my mother was properly cared for, whether she agreed or not. It's tough, I know, especially that we're put into a position of being The Bad Guy to begin with. But at about 87, mom started down the dementia highway and by 92, she was in Memory Care. I had to make all decisions on her behalf anyway.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.
"...it is a struggle. I want to respect her feelings but I’m worried I’m being neglectful by not insisting she be seen and follow doctors instructions. My mom had always gotten angry when she doesn’t get her own way."
My Mom is 96 and worked as an RN so she is very convinced no one knows more than her when it comes to her own health. She lives next door to me, she's been single parent most of her life, and I am her only child who lives next door to her. I am her DPoA for financial and medical.
My Mom will often attempt to put me on a wild goose chase for her medical issues. She is recently just off meds for cellulitis in her feet and lower legs. Two trips to Urgent Care, 2 courses of antibiotics, 3 meds in all. She is doing much better but she still has some swelling and it hurts when someone touches her skin. She calls me up to complain about it (I'm currently house-bound due to a recent achilles tendon reattachment surgery so cannot scooter over to her house). I inform her of her options: that at this point "you may need IV antibiotics... are you willing to do this?" And she sputters "no" because she realizes what she wants is a miraculous healing. I inform her if she isn't willing to cooperate with the only solution for her problem that she will need to live with the discomfort and possible future further problems it will create, which will cause both of us headaches, and her mobility.
You can ask your Mom what she thinks will happen if her condition doesn't go away on its own. Ask her at what point is she willing to get help? Does she want to have an ambulance come and get her, because that's where this is all going (my Mom just dreads the thought of going out on a gurney so it's a big motivator).
In the end, if you are her MPoA and even if she doesn't have a formal diagnosis of impairment, you are to be acting in her own best interests.
Would she agree to a telemedicine conference with her primary doctor? That's how I eventually got my Mom on Lexapro for her mild depression (but she had been to her primary earlier in the year for an in-person physical).
Is your Mom still able to walk with her medical problem? Losing mobility may be a motivator. I continuously ask questions because I believe that if a person is not demented, they will eventually get boxed in by their lack of rationality. But that's one of the symptoms of cognitive decline: extreme stubborness is really their continued loss of ability to use reason and logic.
It would be helpful to know if your Mom has a diagnosis of memory or cognitive impairment, and if you (or anyone) is her MPoA.
Lots of serious things can go wrong involving the skin and feet. My late father was a quadriplegic and needed lots of medical oversight for different issues. Thankfully, he was a good patient.
Mentally competent adults have the right to refuse medical treatment if they want to. I think caregivers or would-be caregivers have the right to refuse to participate in that scenario.
Anyway, she has mobility problems, drags one leg, and uses a walker. No immediate infections or wounds or anything like that to my knowledge. I worry all the time about the respecting her autonomy and wishes vs the fact that I am her DPOA and health care proxy and the person who checks on her 3X per week and helps her, so when and for what do I insist she doesn’t get her way?
She has said that she would agree to medical care for a stroke, broken bone or gushing wound. I know full well there’s plenty of other things that could happen too. She does get flu and Covid vaccines. And she has called for “lift assist” a few times now when she winds up (unharmed so far!!) on the floor and can’t get herself back up.
Feet and skin issues sound potentially dire. Do you know about her blood sugar levels? like others have said, how can you know whether this is serious or not?
I feel for you!!