What do I do about family conflict?

Go see and elder lawyer and ask them to explain the options open to you. It sounds unlikely that you will be able to work with your brother but being armed with all the information on your "rights", responsibilities and options may make a conversation with him easier to keep to reality and fact. Hopefully you will find a way through working together but you may have to look at whether you can take over from him because he is failing in his responsibilities - so hard when siblings have very different views or abilities.

I would legal advise to see exactly where you stand. Sometimes you can't work with everyone, someone has to be a leader and take the bull by the horns. The goal is to protect your parents and their assets as they are needed for them, not your brother. You have no clue exactly what monies have been given to your brother. this needs to be investigated.

This is a difficult situation, but you might be able to make some headway. Here are my suggestions:
1) Attempt to communicate with your brother more often. Ask nonjudgmental questions.
2) Try to communicate with your parents more often; if possible, contact them when your brother is not with them, so they perhaps feel more comfortable speaking freely.
3) Visit unannounced.
4) During your visit, take notes.
5) During your visit, ask to see your parents' financial records. You probably have the right to do so, as coagent on their POA.
6) Call the local APS agency. In my state, people can anonymously report cases of suspected elder abuse or neglect, and the APS agency must investigate.
7) Start thinking about how care will be provided for your parents if your brother withdraws from the caregiving role.

if I were in your shoes, I would go talk to the lawyer in person and find out what your legal rights are and are not. After you have a clear grasp on that, I would make an appointment with their primary care doctors and tell them you would like to sit down with them and see what their medical condition is. They MAY have already received a dementia and or MCD diagnosis and/or have other issues your brother is keeping from you. It could be they are in denial and so is your brother. Let the doctor know your concerns about their health and well being-about the filth and potential for disease because of it. See if the doctor can do anything to help. I would then request a meeting of all 4 siblings with the attorney. Spell out for your brother with the attorney’s support what you believe needs to happen and what all 4 siblings will be doing working together for their well being. If he is manipulating their finances for his advantage, he needs to be called on it and possibly removed as a guardian. You may be able to tell him that is a crime, and either he willingly relinquishes the role, or you all will press charges. Elder fraud is a serious charge. Theft is too. There needs to be a system of checks and balances. We have it set up so my brother in law who lives out of state pays the bills and takes care of finances. For big decisions the brother discuss it, come to agreement and present a united front. You will also need to meet with your parents and he will either need to come clean about his misrepresentation of the siblings, or remove himself. he can always “save face” by telling them that “he misunderstood”.
Above all, don’t be intimidated by the fear of him being upset. Who cares if he is upset. The big issue is taking care of your parents. Don’t have any of these “discussions/confrontations” in their presence if possible.
Good luck!

I had a similar problem. For years, I could only watch from the sidelines while my brother physically, financially and mentally depleted our mother. He had her sign her house over to him and then kicked her out of it. She moved into a roach-infested mobile home on the property. She still paid all his bills. Finally, as she physically declined, she allowed me to become her POA. I instituted immediate changes - cleaned up her living situation, cut brother off financially and helped her get the medical care she needed. Eventually, when 24 hour care was needed, she moved into a very nice assisted living facility.
If you parents are mentally cognizant, have then re-sign documents making you the sole power of attorney and, either you or someone else, executor of their will. You can pull these forms off the internet, if you want. Also, you can immediately take them to the bank and have them take brother off their account and add you. You can now begin cleaning up the mess.

It's time you get him removed from their care. This is elder abuse & neglect!! Report this!!

Unfortunately, your only REAL option is determining the VERY BEST CARE for your parents and fighting like a tiger to get it, including keeping THEM and their their assets protected and safe.

If your situation is similar to mine, the relation with your brother won’t and CANNOT be salvaged.

You must get get in touch with their lawyer as soon as you can, and you must establish where the controls lie regarding LEGAL determinations and your defined responsibilities and limitations within your POA and brother’s.

Focus 100% on you parents’ needs and rights. Brother has already established his lack of focus in that area.

Sorry to be so abrupt, but trust me, I know.

Definitely report to APS about the finances, neglect and isolation. They may not intervene at this point because your parents are competent, but it's time to start a paper trail.

And this is exactly why giving 2 people equal say on a POA is a very bad idea, but too late for that now.

Unfortunately a legal battle is exactly what you'll have to do with your brother in this case. He's forced your hand into doing so. What he's doing is called elder abuse. Get a good elder law attorney and get APS involved as well. Your sibling may face criminal charges based on what you've described. He needs to face the music and the consequences of his actions. Start by removing your brother from your parents bank accounts, and listing you instead. Remove brother from their home as all he's doing is mooching off of them. Then move forward with their medical care.
Keep us posted and good luck.

Sadly, you will probably have to 'go legal' on brother.

I have pretty much the same thing going on in my family. Mother lives with YB and he acts more as a jailer than a CG. He has consistently refused any outside help, even family, in fact, esp family. He has something wrong with him, mentally, and you cannot reason with him.

I didn't have any support from the other 3 sibs, to move mom to a better situation of just get her 2-3 day a week PT care. W/O that support nothing can happen.

Last time I 'really' spoke to YB was 2-1/2 years ago and we were trying to have a civilized family meeting. He just LOST IT. Screamed and screamed at ME...and all I was trying to do was get a baseline on mom, how she was, what she needed, what we could do to help him.

For some reason he felt attacked and fought back---it was horrible. My sibs are huge 'Dr. No-shots' and don't stir the pot--heck they don't come in the kitchen! Not one of them stood up for me in any way. Broke my heart.

I have zero legal involvement. My other brother is co-POA, but since he is a total pansy--he never steps in/up to anything.

Dont know why he has chosen this martyr routine, but it's working for him. W/O outside involvement, nothing will change. A visit from APS (not called by me, but I got the heat) didn't change anything. Just more anger.

Mom deserves better. Sadly, she will never get 'better' care. Brother will not allow it and I am too tired to try to legally do anything.

Get a lawyer now & have brother removed from making any more decisions about your parents before he gets them to change any estate plans. If your parents are competent they still have the opportunity to name someone else as either a co agent with you or secondary. Please don’t delay......it will only get worse & then there is nothing you can do. Believe me, I’m living through it right now!

Are your other siblings at a distance as well? Does your brother live with your parents? Did you believe a year ago when he became in charge that he was a right candidate to take care of your parents? From a distance, you really don't know what is going on and you are relying on what your other siblings are telling you. As equal health proxy and POA you yourself can talk to doctors and inquiry about financial information from banking institutions. You can see how their funds have been taken care of. You can call adult protective services to go in there and check up on your parents.

You need copies of your parents legal papers & make sure you’re not on there secondary. If you’re listed as POA equal with your brother, you can make decisions. Do they have a living will? Who’s POA on that? I agree with others, contact the social services office in the county your parents live in, tell them the situation & they will take it from there & contact APS. Your brother can’t refuse a home visit if they think your parents aren’t being taken care of. Let social services assess & help you. Good luck & prayers for your parents that they will be taken care of properly, they deserve better.

Kat, what discussions have you yourself had with your brother, directly?
When did you last go and visit your parents?

Your description of how your brother is purposefully excluding the other two siblings, exclaimed that your parents' health is none of their business and so on - these are reports that have reached you from the siblings, are they? They're not anything that your brother has tried to pull on you?

Your parents' health is very much your business. Your brother cannot exclude you from information and decision-making: your parents took care of that by appointing you jointly with him.

This is a crossroads for you. You either resign your joint POA, or you get involved.

If you decide to get involved, then you begin with a field trip. Would you be able to go and stay with your parents or nearby for any length of time?

Kat, you need to take a trip to stay and care for folks for a bit. You need to find out first hand what is going on.

It could be that bro is providing care for the folks. Is he being paid? Is there a caregiver agreement in place? If he is providing unpaid care then maybe that should change. Caring for the elderly, especially 24/7 is a grueling job. If this was through an agency the cost could very easily be in excess of 15K a month.

You may not be able to simply kick him out of the folks house. He may very well be a resident and have to be evicted.

My sister-in-law’s brother did the same thing with their mother because he was spending all her money. You should go there as soon as possible and take photos of the house and record your conversations. Since you also have power of attorney, you can ask to see all the financial records. If you see he is abusing them financially, you will need to hire a lawyer soon.

I had a similar situation with dad's second wife. Your sibling has already shown he doesn't want to work with you - he wants you to go away so he can do whatever it is he has planned without interference. And without sharing anything which may be left. In my situation, my step mother caused trouble with my father's doctors to delay & prevent his treatment so he would die, and she would get money from his estate. She almost succeeded. It was a tough fight because like you, my father wasn't with it enough to make good choices, but wasn't deemed incompetent. If you can get them seen by a specialist and either get yourself appointed their guardian, or even a court appointed guardian, the situation will be better for your parents and yourself. It also helps (since you are a medical POA) to go visit your parents doctors and discuss the situation, and your concern about A) parents state of mind and B) that your brother is trying to make it difficult for them to receive proper care. A good elder care attorney can help in some cases. You have the power of the POA. A lawyer explained it to me this way - that POA means you "Stand in your father's shoes" - you are to do what is best for him, what he would do if he were capable! Get involved in the care of your parents, and don't let him bully you out of doing it. He really can't stop you. If he makes too much of a fuss, tell him you're going to take it to court (even if you probably won't) - put the fear of the law in him. And document, document, document every rotten thing he does & how this is hurting your parents. Ask your parents doctors to document what you're observing & put it in their medical records. If you care about your parents - Fight!

So Kat, if your brother has said to you, yourself, that your parents' welfare is "none of your business," and you have mildly pointed out to him that actually you have joint POA responsibility and therefore it very much is your business - in fact, it's your obligation - what is his remaining objection to sharing information with you?

I still think you're going to have to get down there. But your brother (I mistyped that as "bother" - Freudian typo?!) has got frazzled, and it would be best to reboot and start from scratch than go in having come to prejudged conclusions that he's necessarily got misdeeds to hide. He may have, but he also may not; and either way you *still* have to figure out what's best to do next. That won't be any easier if he rocketing around in a temper being defensive.

How often are these other siblings, that live close by, visiting? Just by being present, you will get medical information. Do they show up on doctor appointment days to take the parents when brother chooses not to go? Sometimes just being there can resolve some of the issues of not knowing what's going on.

Is it possible you and the siblings call to ask things, but have not really played an active role in the day to day needs? Perhaps brother is tired of passive participation when he really needed a little action. Have you and the other siblings just showed up to clean the house? Unless there is a protective order to keep all of you away, visiting more often and taking care of household things might be a good place to start. And instead of charging in on the situation, maybe let him know you have put a lot on him in the past and promise to be more active in helping the parents. Apologizing, even if you don't think you're wrong, may open the door to be more involved.

Your brother needs to be reported for elderly abuse! And quick - he sounds like a total jerk! You need to get an Elder Law Attorney also.

This is elder abuse. Your brother needs to be reported. Your parents' care (or rather LACK OF IT!!!!!!) needs to be amended now!

See a Lawyer and Get Removed from at Least POA...Leave it up to the One who is in Charge now and if Need Be, Get ADULT Protective Services Involved, For they will Intervene, If you know what I mean.
I took my own Self out of the Equation when Moving Miles from my Parents ands Now my Sister is Stuck with this job and Healthcare Proxy now for Dad now that Mom is Gone.....You live too far away but that don't Mean you cannot See to the Care to Share to Make sure Everything is the Way IT Should Be...

Let bro you know how things lie as to the legality issue - then you need to do a visit with your POA papers etc in hand - go to the bank, & everywhere to check everything out for your own sanity - obviously your other sibs have concerns & want you to intervene so they will have your back

You need to make app'ts & either take them yourself or have another sibling do it [or take 1 of them with you if you can] - first go talk to their lawyer to get the right paperwork & a bit of advice - if your parents are not competent then you need to become in charge -

Check where their money is going & if/how much bro is helping himself to - if bro can't show where it is going by huge amounts [not by $5 to $10 out but by $100s] then ask him to withdraw from her account & hint at possible legal action [you will have already told him that you spoke to the lawyer] - hire regular help for the cleaning - if bro isn't working let him work cleaning for them as a paid job but you will need to have this verified .... maybe 1 of the others can do before & after visits so you are sure

The other 2 sibs can visit & why can't they help a bit - just because they aren't named in documents doesn't mean they can't be in the loop of helping them

Be clear about what issues you and your other siblings are in disagreement with your brother about. Make a list and be very clear about what you would do differently as POA. For example, that your brother is not providing medical care by cancelling appointments etc. If there are any issues that need immediate attention you can contact the government body in your country - usually called the the Office of the Public advocate, or Office of the public guardian or other body which helps legally appointed decision makers work out disagreements.

As POA you are entitled to see and review all financial transactions and take direction from your parents to act on their behalf. You are legally entitled to ask for these documents I believe. You are also entitled and expected to be involved with decision making around health care and lifestyle decisions, so you should be taking an active role in speaking to your parents about their wishes. If you parents say something like "your brother is taking care of it" you should find out whether they he is taking direction from them, or just acting on their behalf without consulation with them. You should also find out whether the legal documents allow him to act with or without incapacitation. You can say to your brother, as joint POA you must disclose any decisions you are making.

In any case, a confidential conversation with the legal body will help you proceed further, good luck.