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yatzeedog -

First of all I'm so sorry for your difficult situation.

Secondly, I disagree with you that you are selfish. IMO, you are NOT selfish. If you were, you'd leave all these burdens behind and moved on with your life and wouldn't look back. Instead, you gave up your health, your happiness, your freedom, your whole self, to care for your sick husband and brother. You are the opposite of selfish.

Lastly, to answer your question "What do caregivers do to combat their own loneliness?" I have a few ideas, and others will have more to offer. See what you may want to try.

Have a pet dog or cat. My dog helped keep me sane when my Alz. mother was driving me mad. Taking my dog out for a walk was one way I got some "me" time.

Join this Agingcare forum for camaraderie. I felt so lonely and unsupported until I found this amazing group of caregivers.

Join a local Alz/Dementia caregiver group. Usually they meet once a week. Not sure about now.

Enroll in a class, in person is better, but if you can't get away, an online class will suffice. There you will find people with something in common, the class subject. You can have social interaction that is so so important to keep your mind sane.

Take up a hobby. My 86 year old aunt knits small blankets, hats, and booties for babies and give them away to whoever wants them, sometimes the local churches, shelters, neighbors, relatives, etc.

Do some gardening. Growing things somehow gives you a purpose and breathes life into you.

Write daily journal. I always feel like I unload a heavy burden once I write my thoughts down.

If you're interested, read spiritual books or pray.

I'm sure others have more ideas to suggest to you.
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No doubt, dementia is VERY cruel. So sorry you have lost your husband and are left caretaking for someone who does not know you anymore. Just horrible.

I think it is in the normal range to lose your patience from time to time. I can understand feeling guilty but do not beat yourself up too much. What you're doing is HARD. Thankless. Etc etc.

I totally agree that you need more than 5 hours a week to yourself. I would look into putting him in a facility for a week or two for some respite care. Take a vacation! Or have a staycation where you can just take care of you and put your feet up and get out in the world to do things for you.

Selfcare is important. You deserve it.
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Dear Yatzee, you are not alone in your loneliness. Over 50% of seniors experience loneliness at one time or another. It can be so debilitating and, if not addressed, can have negative health effects. Loneliness is the difference between what you desire socially and what you actually experience socially.

So, I ask you, what is the cause of your loneliness? Do you see others living a "normal" life while you are dedicated to caring for brother and husband and not able to live normally? Do you feel lack of companionship? Do you feel there's no one to talk to? That you're all alone in this caregiving role?

Extended lonliness can affect your health, cause depression, stress, high blood pressure and other ailments. It, like grief, cannot be neglected, worked around or ignored; it must be worked thru. Combating loneliness requires action on your part. Hire a home care agency to stay with the men for a few hours a couple times a week to give you some respite. Take that time to have lunch with friends, go shopping or do something that you like to do. Call a friend and say "I need to talk". Find a dementia support group in your area. There you will be with other caregivers who share their stories, frustrations and advice. You'll find ocassion to laugh there also. Having support is very helpful. Make an appointment with a psychologist who has experience in therapy for loneliness.
I wish you well.
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yatzeedog123 Sep 2020
I miss someone loving me and caring for me and living life with me. My brother is just old and needs help occasionally but my husband is almost totally helpless. He follows me around like a lost puppy. I do have 5 hours a week where someone comes in twice a week (giving me 2.5 hrs alone) but thats not enough. I need to get away but there isn't anyone to relieve me.
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