My mom resides in a memory care assisted-living facility. She is receiving hospice services. Facility staff will call the hospice organization when mom dies; hospice will contact the funeral home.
I know the longer-term stuff; what I'd like to do is to write down on a piece of paper things, if any, to do immediately. I'm anticipating that even though I'm organized and rational generally, I might not be right after mom passes away.
Thank you.
1. Hospice is called, and then calls you for notification.
2. Body is moved to Funeral establishment you should be choosing NOW with Hospice help. They will have good recommendations.
3. Funeral establishment will call you and ask directions. If this is simple cremation they will want to know if you wish ashes delivered to you or if you wish them spread per protocol. They will ask you all information. They will ask if you want death notices (I said no as scammers often USE them. They will tell you that they are notifying Social Security. If they don't tell you, you must ASK if they do. I found them to be very kind and respectful. They will IMPORTANTLY ask how many death certificates you want. They are often 20 dollars each. Most entities you visit will make copy of original and you need few. I got WAY TOO MANY and only really used ONE. But once you get them from this funeral establishment you cannot get more from them but need to do it via public records--more difficult. So error on having plenty. Who will want them. Banks, any entity giving you inheritance rights for accounts, credit agencies sometimes, public records if there's property, and etc.
4. Date of death I called all credit card companies notifying them of death and to close any charges to accounts. You will later be certain card is cancelled and etc. But for now they need to know this.
5. Day after death I wrote one of the three credit agencies (Transunion, Experian, can't think of the third) of death and gave copy certificate; simple letter saying not to issue credit in this name. Means no banks accounts, no identity theft on this name thereafter. A form is often online at this point now with agencies.
6. Set up notification tree now if you want one. You call one friend about the passing, they call the next person, who calls the next and etc., removing this from you.
7. My brother and I made a list of people he wanted notified from his past and present, friends and etc. I did this in the first week.
8. Banking at main bank if there is one, on which you are POA or POD on accounts will come in the first week. Cancellation of any phone services, and etc.
9. Nursing home or ALF or other will tell you their expectations and policy re clean out of room, re charges, and etc.
These are a few things I can think I did in the first week. I wish you luck, Rose. I hope others have more info for you. Keep good notes when you talk to anyone. You are going to find your mind kind of floods in odd ways and memory is poor.
this forum is a life saver
Take a breath. You do not need to do everything at once.
1. Notify Hospice / Facility Staff
☐ Hospice nurse is notified and has pronounced death
☐ Facility staff are aware
☐ You may take a few quiet moments if you wish
2. Funeral Home
☐ Provide name of funeral home to staff
☐ If no prior arrangements, staff can suggest options
☐ Funeral home will handle transport and death certificates
3. Notify One Trusted Person
☐ Call or text one person for support
☐ Ask them to help notify others or take notes
4. Personal Belongings
☐ Decide whether to take belongings now or later
☐ No rush—staff can store items temporarily
5. Take Care of Yourself
☐ Drink water
☐ Eat something small
☐ Rest or sleep if possible
Important Reminders:
• This is not an emergency—no 911 call is needed
• You cannot make a mistake today
• Most decisions can wait
• Hospice and staff will guide you.
Have a list of people you need to contact, and how best to contact them (phone/email/text) so you don't unintentionally forget someone, and the order in which you want to call. For example, if your mother has elderly close friends or relatives, do you want to notify someone first so that they aren't alone to learn the news?
Be aware that sometimes someone will, with good intentions. post a condolence note on facebook or other social media that accidentally alerts other people before you've reached them. So being organized about this avoids possible hurt feelings or drama. Likewise, consider asking certain people to notify others, so that you aren't overwhelmed dealing with everyone by yourself. Add those names to the list.
Social Security, pensions, and some other direct deposits will need to know so they can stop payments.
To do ahead of time:
* Have a list of people to call / notify.
* Call funeral home and Hospice, if they do not call you to see what / how things are going.
* If you are having a memorial service, coordinate w/funeral home and let others know (have their contact info).
* Call attorney if she / you have one and ask what needs to be done upon transitioning.
The first 24 hours - I would recommend / encourage you to be with yourself ... perhaps quietly ... and not be into 'doing' and 'thinking'. Give yourself some alone time. Meditate, pray, light a candle. Take a walk in the park.
Do whatever will bring you comfort during that time.
Since you are asking now (which I applaud you for doing), you will have needs in place at that time. Give yourself 24 hours to process / be ... just be.
When you feel ready, be with people that listen and don't give advice.
It is good to be with people wherein you both can be together and not talk, unless you want to.
From my experience - allow yourself to be present and 'flow' with wherever you are --- feelings and thoughts change momentarily ... go with it. Do not resist anything you think or feel. Cry and let out emotions as you need to. Do not feel you are forced to feel any certain way. Grief is experienced as differently as each person experiencing it.
Gena / Touch Matters
2. Secure anything of value that mom has with her. Immediately. That includes identification and any personal papers.
3. Contact any close family or friends of hers or YOURS who will either want to know or need to know to attend a funeral or lend you support.
4. Call the funeral home. They will talk you through everything related to that.
5. If it's late at night, get some sleep. The rest can wait until morning. If it's still early in the day, see that Mom is picked up and then sit yourself down to make final arrangements. If they have already been planned it is much easier. If not, think about that you want or what Mom wanted, and jot some notes. You will share those with the funeral director.
6. Think about any religious traditions you or Mom hold about death and mourning. How do you want to use that for yourself or the family?
7. Pictures. Once everything is under control logistically, pull together pictures of Mom that you want to share.
8. If you want an obituary published think about what you want to have said. Most funeral homes publish online, and will help you write it. They can also help with putting obituaries in local papers. This is also a way to notify people you might not have time to call about Mom's upcoming funeral.
There is a lot more, but it can all wait until tomorrow.
We always gather with anyone close to us who loses someone. We bring them food and stay (if they are up to it) to tell stories of and remember the lost loved one.
I wish you and your family peace and love. Remember the good times, the funny times. Tell the stories and embrace the love and laughter that comes from those we love who love us.
Generally, once the funeral home is notified, they will come get Mom for safekeeping. That will be the hardest part if you are around.
Otherwise, that is it. You can choose to call others, or just sit and cry your eyes out. Whatever you feel like doing. The next day, you start working on a glorious send off or similar arrangement. Make a list of guests to notify, where to get the best flowers, select a venue. make reservations.
Get your outfit ready, of course. Get Mom's ready if desired. One of Mom's favorites is good. I suggest hiring a limo driver, since you will be too shaky to drive safely. Hopefully you have a sister or close friends to help you stay calm and watch your back.
That's basically it. I wish you strength at this time. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but it came out nice. You may want a photographer for some brief pics. I made a beautiful presentation file for family members, of the various poems, photos, prayers, guests and similar items to be a remembrance booklet.
You may wish to write an obituary in advance, since I drew a complete blank. Have it ready to submit to the local newspaper. Make sure to gather some great photos of Mom ahead of time. Usually a proper funeral will end up being about 2 weeks out, minimum. It takes serious planning.
I almost forgot....make sure you get several certified copies of the Death Certificate. You will need those for closing out accounts, etc.
I'm working on the list of people to contact soon after Mom dies. I'm hoping that my brothers will help my sister and I with the task of calling or sending messages, but I'm preparing for the possibility that our bros won't help. I know that there are individuals that my sister wants to contact herself and the same is true for me. I'm waiting for our bros to let me know whether they regard post-death communications as a chore or as something that might help them as they are grieving.