Grandma1954 offers good insights. There are so many contributing factors that it's difficult to generalize w/o knowing much, much more about the background of a particular person.
And, as an elderly person, I state unequivocally that I've met "mean and hateful" people throughout the course of my life, especially my working life. That especially applied to some women who were working, weren't interested in upgrading their credentials, but backstabbed those who did and made progress and/or were promoted.
They seem to lose their filters, any social decorum they may have had and apparently any concern over any subsequent consequence. My DH aunt is widely loved but once her dementia began I would notice a mean disposition at times. If someone stumped their toe, she would laugh. That sort of thing. She would talk ugly to visitors. Assume they “wanted” something. When I mentioned it to my DH he said she was that way when he was a child. I had never seen this side of her. He said she was always this way. That I didn’t really know her. I had known her for 40 years and this behavior was new to me. It is not pleasant when “that aunt” comes around. I hope you have times away from your mom and as others have suggested, don’t go along with it.
I read your story and indeed Life is too Short to keep going to the well when there’s no water there. Mom is playing head games with you and winning. Don’t call when she’s being rude, it’s not good for either of you. Accept that mom isn’t going to change except to worsen. The meanness can be illness, dementia, or just an exaggerated version of the personality that’s been there all along. None of which means you need to participate in it. Events will happen that will change things for mom, it’s then that your help comes into play, based on what’s doable for you. Stay out of her relationship with your son, don’t discuss each of them with the other outside of basic news. I wish you peace
This is a broad question. And it could be asked of any age group. (some just have a better way to "hide" it.) Often you give back what you are given. Greeted with a smile every day, a cheerful good morning just might make someone's day a bit better. If I wake up with the thought that it is going to be a bad day and I walk around with a grumble to everything that is said to me at the end of the day it is no surprise that it was a bad day. When I used to bring my Husband to Day Care, it was in a Memory Care unit at a nearby facility I would greet the residents that I saw with a smile and a good morning. At first I would get no response but after a few times I would get a smile or someone would hold out their hand to me. I often wondered with all the morning tasks that the staff had to do did they get a minute to greet each resident every morning. I bet not. Add to that what might be a person in constant pain or mild discomfort either real or imagined. AND.. Some people are generally optimistic and and outgoing while others are pessimistic
no matter the personality if you try your best to be cheerful and greet people I think it makes a difference and eventually while you might not turn a Grinch into a Pollyanna it will make you feel as if you have done your part to at least try to make someone's day a bit better.
And, as an elderly person, I state unequivocally that I've met "mean and hateful" people throughout the course of my life, especially my working life. That especially applied to some women who were working, weren't interested in upgrading their credentials, but backstabbed those who did and made progress and/or were promoted.
My DH aunt is widely loved but once her dementia began I would notice a mean disposition at times. If someone stumped their toe, she would laugh. That sort of thing. She would talk ugly to visitors. Assume they “wanted” something. When I mentioned it to my DH he said she was that way when he was a child. I had never seen this side of her. He said she was always this way. That I didn’t really know her. I had known her for 40 years and this behavior was new to me. It is not pleasant when “that aunt” comes around. I hope you have times away from your mom and as others have suggested, don’t go along with it.
Often you give back what you are given.
Greeted with a smile every day, a cheerful good morning just might make someone's day a bit better. If I wake up with the thought that it is going to be a bad day and I walk around with a grumble to everything that is said to me at the end of the day it is no surprise that it was a bad day.
When I used to bring my Husband to Day Care, it was in a Memory Care unit at a nearby facility I would greet the residents that I saw with a smile and a good morning. At first I would get no response but after a few times I would get a smile or someone would hold out their hand to me. I often wondered with all the morning tasks that the staff had to do did they get a minute to greet each resident every morning. I bet not.
Add to that what might be a person in constant pain or mild discomfort either real or imagined.
AND..
Some people are generally optimistic and and outgoing while others are pessimistic
no matter the personality if you try your best to be cheerful and greet people I think it makes a difference and eventually while you might not turn a Grinch into a Pollyanna it will make you feel as if you have done your part to at least try to make someone's day a bit better.