What can we do if mom won’t apply for Medicaid and she has no money to pay for her care?

surprise-mom was trying to do the right thing by helping out 'Sissy42', only to have caused herself a heap of trouble, potentially. She is of the old-school thinking that as long as it's in the family, she can gift what she wants but unfortunately Medicaid might not see it like that. 'Sissy42's issues are a whole separate issue I could talk about but won't right here (anymore). But mom has probably enabled some of her poor choices (but again I want to say she has been solely responsible for keeping mom in her home for as long as she has--for better or worse). She's not really 'livin' the dream' but could be in a better place financially if she had made some better choices. We could probably all start a new site of 'poor choices our sibs have made' and how it has affected us and our parents, right? I have been trying to encourage Sissy42 to meet with a lawyer to settle her own finances (offered three times and she never took me up on the offer to pay for that consultation!). In denial to her problems and doesn't want to be proactive to fix them, even if that means losing more money. Aggravating!

igloo572, yes middle sis going to atty meeting. No, I haven't shared with her the questions I have. I am hoping that the two of them can sort it out themselves although I am sure I will have plenty more questions. I am trying to keep out of it as if I am on the call, they might think I am trying to control things. I expect to hear the outcome but would just like to wait and see what comes of this. You're right, I should conference call atty after the meeting just to get his side of the story and recommendations.

Middle sis ('princess sissy') lives in her own protected world and is coming only because it is no inconvenience for her. She truly loves my mom, I do believe, but her actions have been very planned to do only what benefits her. As a family we all were notorious for avoiding confrontation (which meant walking away from any difficult conversation and sweeping sh** under the rug and not addressing it). Hence, this is why we are in the problem we are in, because no one wants to have the difficult conversation about finances, planning for the future, what to do when you cannot care for yourself.

My neighbor is a realtor, and her hubs recently passed. Just for info, she called one of those buy your home places. They offered to pay off her mortgage.. no more no less. She asked them,, then where do I live? No response! They want your house are bare minimum,, OK if it's paid off maybe... but your not going to see much. Better to call a reputable realtor.

Optimist, There's a whole body of research on adults who have been given "economic outpatient care" = subsidized living. I'm at the point where I wonder how much/long is reasonable to allow my recent college graduate while he looks for his first career entry job. I understand your mom's struggle.

I also have experience with hoarding and the secret keeping in families beyond hoarding. My therapist said the psychology of it is very much like that of alcoholics', and my children of hoarders group also feels hoarding is an addiction problem. When people buy, there is some kind of chemical release in the brain that is addictive, just like drugs and porn produce. Odd, yes, but when you look at it that way, you understand better why they are trying to hide it. That can also give you insight into how hard it would be to cause any change in 42 until she hits rock bottom.

Hoarders, as you have seen, don't change even with a perfectly clean house in front of them. Your sister42 is not the right place for mom because even if mom had a perfectly functioning home, 42 would fill it right back up. Mom needs more care, and if 42 loses the house, so be it. Fine, not your drama, but it might push 42 towards rock bottom/recovery.

So if mom is not eligible for Medicaid currently because has helped sis out financially and she cannot afford to self-pay full balance in nursing home, what are the options? If she gets pensions, can she use these to partially pay and wait out the penalty period until she is eligible for Medicaid? I bet it is complicated (and varies with each individual) regarding the penalty period for Medicaid. And in this situation, would it make sense to sell her house up front to allow those assets to go towards self-pay until she is eligible? I am just wondering about other options and I'm beginning to think there are none. She almost definitely would not qualify for assisted living as she cannot do anything for herself except eat if the food is put in front of her. Am I understanding this correctly? Sis cannot take her back in as she needs to work and is gone 10 hours a day. Are there other benefits she is eligible for as a spouse of a veteran (I think she might be eligible for Aid and Attendance but likely difficult to get her back into home given its condition, I'm thinking.)

Just spoke with Geriatric Care Manager this morning. She indicates that if mom is competent and accepts the risk of being at home where she cannot get up, even if left for 10 hours, then she can be dismissed from nursing home. APS would make a visit but probably would not file report unless she was vulnerable, being mistreated, in very bad conditions, etc. APS probably has many very difficult cases which are their priority. Bottom line-individual has right to return home if they are competent and accept the risks of returning home. Might be eligible for Aid and Attendance from Veterans services (my dad was veteran, passed away 10 years ago), but would need to find home health care agency who accepts A&A and then you must pay them up front and VA needs to then reimburse mom, sometimes that can take weeks. But this is good news for those who want to stay in home. Maybe a little tricky to find out all the various rules involved (you know, typical with the military). And mom would likely benefit from home health services; encouraged to call local Senior Services office; they will often come to home, assess situation, and determine what individual could benefit from. Sometimes these evals are offered for free.

Also informed that family cannot be liable for nursing home bill unless they have signed a document when family member admitted to nursing home (fine print might say you are financially responsible), so be careful what you are signing! NH can be pushy to encourage you to sign (they are running a business, after all), just make sure you review, perhaps with lawyer, or do not sign anything like this as family member.

This provides some clarity and I am thankful for the resources out there. Now looking for some financial clarity on the situation about LTC, Medicaid, etc. Will keep you posted about sis's meeting with Elder Law Attorney today.

Good to hear all the progress youve made, Optimist!