My mom and I need help finding a care solution for my grandma. Grandma is 82 and lives at home (NY State, rural). Her health has been declining (weight loss, leg edema, dental/ vision/ hearing complaints, ingrown infected toenails, mobility problems, incontinence, frequent falls, etc). She probably has high blood pressure and may be pre-diabetic. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder many years ago; a therapist also said she had strong Munchausen tendencies (this is complicating everything). She has extreme mood swings. According to mom, she's always displayed a lot of attention-seeking irrational behavior. Lately she seems disoriented and confused periodically. She refuses to allow a housekeeper or day aide to come to her home (she says they will rob her).
My mom bought her a new washer / dryer so she could do laundry, and I bought her a new mattress, bedding set, pillows. I'm an Occupational therapist (for kids, but I know a bit about home modifications), so I added some safety mods to her bathroom (a shower bench, grab bars, grip mat, long cord for shower head, etc.). After these changes, she still refuses to do laundry, sleep in her bed, or shower/ bathe. She will only do laundry if my mom does it with her, will only sleep in her lift chair, and will only bathe if I'm there (she removed the bench).
She also has some very strange and unsafe personal hygiene- she often refuses to use the bodywash I brought, and bathes sitting in Palmolive (urinary tract infections). Recently when I gave her a gentle, conservative pedicure, she said she didn't like it and after I left she recut her toenails very short with a rusty straight blade kitchen scissor (badly infected ingrown toenails). She has gone months and months without bathing or doing laundry. Grandma recently sabotaged her lift chair (ripped out/ cut the wiring) so I would come over and have to electrical tape it back together. She recently fell, again, standing on a chair to change a lightbulb, although we told her many times not to. She won't wear the new shoes I got her (same brand, color, and style as the old ones) and insists on wearing the old ones (15+ years old with some type of fungus in them). She dresses in literal rags instead of the new sweatsuits, pajamas, and robes I got her. She will only eat high-salt TV dinners and cannot cook for herself, and her legs are extremely swollen. She takes a taxi to the grocery store, but only when she's been out of food for at least 24 hours.
She misses all her doctor appointments, and will only go if my mom accompanies her, but refuses to schedule the appointments on days my mom doesn't work. My mom had a doctor do a house call, and grandma wouldn't open the door and the doctor left. My mom has called out of work to bring her to appointments, and then sometimes grandma will not answer the door. She turns her phone off for days at a time. We've called the police for welfare checks. She only turned on her phone recently when I sent her a letter asking her to. I mail letters and photos every few weeks.
Years ago, she agreed to sell her home and mom did renevations, then grandma refused to sign the paper to begin the sale. My mom began proceedings for a retirement community, then grandma called it off. She said she wanted an aide, then changed her mind and won't discuss it now. Grandma said she couldnt move because of her 3 cats, but mom and I told her many times that we will care for them and she can always visit them. Grandma agreed to several senior housing renovation programs that may have put a lien on the home. No one knows her finances. Mom & I are basically broke.
Mom & grandma have a VERY strained relationship, mom won't talk about it much, but I know grandma was neglectful, maybe abusive, grandma kicked mom out when she was 15. Mom has no siblings. My mom lives an hour away, works very long hours at a demanding job, and can't drop everything to "play games". I live 4 hours away, no car. Help!