What can we do about care for my father?

Fyreflye, even if you told mom about your abuse, she chose to stay with the abuser. I'd have a few second, third, and 100th thoughts about getting any more involved knowing that his wellbeing was more important than mine was. I think having put them on the road with APS you have done a very good, kind thing. APS can be in charge of helping and you could choose to be a bystander.

Yay, Fyreflye! So glad to read your updates, I was thinking about you last night. Stay strong!

Good work calling APS!
Yep those hover around can cover a lot of space pretty quickly!
And so happy he is staying put at his own home.

As for attempted suicide, he had a razor and cut his wrist. Mom said it barely bled.

As for breaking out windows, for a 98-year-old in a hover-round, he gets around pretty well in it. He works in his shop even, with tools, when he has the energy, so rolling around the house wielding a hammer and hitting things isn't a stretch.

Wow, great information and support. Thank you so much. My parents are the way they are because things happened to them when they were younger and didn't have the resources, didn't know how to find the resources, or simply chose not to properly work through them to come out on the other side more whole. For whatever reasons, I still feel like I want to help them but stay at a distance geographically so that I'm not falling into the emotional rollercoaster that seems to be their lives. I chose to live this far away, but yet this close, for a reason. Now that mom has decided to keep him home, I know this situation may come again, but this time I will be more prepared -- hospital stays, getting Medicaid started, etc. Thank you for all of the info!!

I called APS already, by the way, and they went to their home yesterday. The case worker is helping with the Medicaid application process with waivers for something -- not sure what.

If a patient is admitted ( not under observation) for 3 midnights, they become eligible for rehab. It's a way to get dad out if the house and into a bed. Once in rehab, the facility can assist with Medicaid application, although when one spouse is remaining in the community, she really needs an eldercare attorney to do the application.

Under no circumstances should StepDad be in your home — a.k.a. your child’s home. Big NO.

Your child should not have any exposure to him. In any location. For any reason.

Now back to Mom’s lament. If StepDad can’t walk, he can’t break all the windows with a hammer. Probably can’t kill himself either. Unless he keeps a handgun tucked in his wheelchair. (And if that’s the case, the real issue here is the threat to your mother’s life. Not that old pig’s life.)

Fyreflye, let’s make one thing clear. What’s right for you and your household is not what Mom wants. CHOOSE YOURSELF.

Mom has every right to let her Stockholm Syndrome (or Battered Woman Syndrome) run her life. It is completely inappropriate for Mom to expect her issues to drive your life.

It is not your job to fix what someone else broke.

Double-up your boundaries, Fyreflye. Cuz Mom has none.

Mom’s toxic world is for Mom to figure out. You got out decades ago — and rightly so.

Tell Mom that the next time he falls, she calls 911 and he goes to the ER. From there, you can DISTANCE-help her negotiate admission and discharge to rehab. 

Does Mom know that the magic words are “He has no one to care for him at home.” ??? Yes, Mom lives there. But that’s not the point. She cannot take care of him. She needs to override the discharge bullies who will try to send StepDad back home, simply because Mom has a pulse.

I recommend that you consult with the APS in your parents’ region. And county aging services. And the Medicaid office.

Knowledge is power. Dump all the knowledge on your mother. If she cannot process it, she might be having cognitive issues. Which opens a new can of worms.

If Mom understands the options intellectually but fires back with a string of excuses, then she does not want appropriate help. She wants you to “save” (a.k.a. enable) her, and only on her terms. No & no. That is not healthy for you. 

No matter which way this swings, save yourself. Because you cannot save your parents.

You CAN do the legwork for what will keep them both safe and under proper medical supervision. It is possible that, armed with new knowledge, they will get over themselves and do the right thing. 

And because they are legally competent, they are also free to reject any and all productive advice.

Good luck and big hugs. My heart breaks for you. How sad that your late-years memories of your Mom & StepDad are them trying to suck you back into their toxic world. You deserve better. CHOOSE YOURSELF. 💗💗💗

You need to get them help. Call adult protective services and ask their advice.

My mom has changed her mind, so he will be staying with her and not coming to live with me.

She knew. I told her.

I have considered the possibility of him being the same person he was then, as, you're right, people do not typically really change. I feel like I'm in a better position mentally and emotionally than my mom was. For one, he is basically bedridden/wheelchair bound; and, two, even though I've forgiven him, I would never leave my child with him -- ever, not even to leave the room. Considering my mom changed her mind, for now, though, I will not be bringing him into my home.

I hear you about having him live with me being a bad idea.  I know I could walk away and remove myself, but someone has to step up.  I can do this, I'm just nervous.  

Don't go. Tell your mom that you can't pick him up. If she does not know about the abuse, you don't have to tell her. You can say something has come up at home and you can't make it, that you are so sorry but she's going to have to think of something that does not involve YOU.

NONONONONONONONONO!!

I don't care how exhausted your mom is, she is again heaping abuse on you. She probably knew about your abuse when you were younger and did not stop it, and now is actively trying to abuse you but in a different way. All are taking advantage of a vulnerable person, you. You can walk away too. I had to go no contact with my mthr for a number of years to recover from my abuse. I can't be around my abuser. You should not consider this to be even a remote possibility.

I so agree- do not take him to your home. Call 911 & have him evaluated at the hospital. Don’t pick him up if/when he is discharged.
If your parents have the resources, & if he comes back to his home, not yours, then make your mother pay for in home care. He isn’t even your bio-dad? 
I didn’t know about your past molestation. Nope, leave him and call 911. Refuse to pick him up.
He violated you in your most innocent time. Don’t undo what you’ve worked so hard to overcome through therapy.
I hope this works out for you and that you reject taking him into your home and quite possibly submitting your child to the same things that happened to you.
Often leopards don’t change their spots.

Fyreflye (great name, by the way!), I think you need to put in an emergency call to your therapist or another counselor you can talk to confidentially about this.

DON'T go tomorrow. DO call APS.

Yes. I am the only child left to do so.

"I'm going to need to intimately care for a man who I love but who betrayed my innocence as a child many times for years, and I'm kind of tore up about it and in shock that my mom would ask me to do this..."

What? You are going to become a caregiver to the man who sexually molested you?

I think my mom is going to be waiting around the corner until I tell her we've left and then will head back home.

Three mednights? I'm sorry...

I would be sorely tempted to drive them to the ER when you arrive tomorrow.


It sounds like they are both suffering from mental health issues and dad from physical ones as well.

Hospital admission the fastest surest way to get a patient admitted to nursing care. If the patient is admitted to the hospital for three mednights, a couple of weeks of rehab can be scripted by the doctor. It gets the person into a bed and the Medicaid process can be started.

Fyreflye, thank you for the update. I can't blame your Mom for needed a break from caregiving as it is physically and emotionally exhausting, and more so if one is hands-on all the time. Mom probably needs a good night sleep.  The older she is, the more difficult it can be.  We tend to lose half our energy as we age.  I know I did.

Don't be surprised if after you have your Dad at your house for a few weeks that you will be ready to place him into some type of continuing care facility as he really needs to have a HIGHER SKILLED caregiving.

Plus I worry about your child. The child should remember Grandpa as being a wonderful guy, fun to be around, then someone who might be frightening him because the child doesn't understand what is wrong with Grandpa.

You mentioned "proper procedures for the insurance".... do you mean Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. Medicaid can be quite a maze. Some need to hire an Elder Law Attorney to help them with the process. With your Mom being so exhausted she probably can't think straight. Where is your Mom going?

Here's an article I found here on Aging Care that will be helpful: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Living-with-Elderly-Parents-Do-You-Regret-the-Decision-133798.htm

Here's another one about quitting work: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/quit-job-to-care-for-parents-150227.htm

So, an update... my mom is done caring for my dad. She said she wanted me at their home tomorrow so that she could leave and not be charged with abandonment. So, I'll make the three-hour trip to their home tomorrow, and I guess I take over from there because she doesn't want to look back, and I'll be bringing him to my home to care for him.

I'm just sort of in disbelief right now. I don't know how I'm going to take care of a 98-year-old man when I have a young child, I'm in the middle of a divorce and I work and go to school full time. He's going to need to be bathed and changed because he has issues with incontinence. I'm going to need to intimately care for a man who I love but who betrayed my innocence as a child many times for years, and I'm kind of tore up about it and in shock that my mom would ask me to do this instead of following the proper procedures for the insurance that would allow him into a nursing facility. I have gone through many years of therapy to work through all of the things they put me through and allowed to happen, but I just can't turn my back on him. If anyone has any suggestions, I would gladly welcome hearing them.

1. What can we do about care for my dad?
You can call Adult Protective Services and tell them the story. They will do a "wellness" check. They may suggest that your step-dad be placed in a facility.
If you have the money (since they don't), you could pay for a caregiver (a private person or through an agency) until they are approved for Medicaid. Some posters don't believe that adult children should ever pay for care for their folks, and I'm not suggesting this as a long term solution, only for a couple of months until Medicaid kicks in.

Your mother sounds like she's on her last leg (by suggesting something so drastic as you taking him to your house and keeping him there). Has she thought of going to ER with symptoms of exhaustion or back pain or emotional anguish from the caregiving. She should then speak to a social worker to help her with this dilemma. That way it will be documented that his care is too much for her.

2. Can I bring him to my home?
(Bad idea) Only with his consent. If he is of sound mind (no dementia) he has the right to come and go wherever and whenever he wants. If you held him against his will, it would be kidnapping. If you physically forced him to stay, it would be assault and battery.
NOT to mention the emotional uproar this would cause.
No, you should not even TRY to convince him to come, as he is mentally unstable (saying he'll break all the windows and/or kill himself.) He should not be living with your child. There would be no one home to care for him at your place anyway.

I'm sorry for your situation. Hopefully, some other arrangement will take place soon.

Fyreflye, ring APS for advice. I think you are right to be worried about your mother's mental health, but also I'd be worried about the physical risks too - through attempting to lift, or manual handling of a much heavier person, plus the stress, plus the fatigue, not forgetting the frightening statistics showing how many "healthy" caregivers die before the person they care for. So it's no exaggeration, your mother is at risk of harm.

And, of course your stepfather is also at risk of harm because he is completely dependent on someone who simply cannot give him the level of care he needs.

This is becoming, if it isn't already, a dangerous living situation for two elders. So calling APS isn't accusing anyone of anything, it's a simple request for urgent help.

Won't they say "well, take him into your home then"? No. They won't. For one thing, you don't have his consent and you are quite right to have concerns about that; and for another no one can pick you as an option unless you make yourself one - you simply have no legal responsibility to provide care for your stepfather.

Fyreflye, being your Step-Dad is 97 years old, he is thinking that nursing homes are county asylums because that was how it was back when he was much younger. I wouldn't have wanted to go to those places, either. No wonder your Step-Dad had threatened to break all the windows or do away with himself.

Since your Step-Dad would need to sign up and be approved by Medicaid to help pay for "continuing care" [do not call them nursing homes in front of Step-Dad"]. I would look around your parents location and maybe even where you live, those places that take Medicaid, what do these places look like. You may need to be placed on a waiting list.

Does your Step-Dad use a rolling walker? If not, buy him one, as that is such a wonderful item to use whenever someone has issues with falling. My own Dad had one, and that helped limit his falls, and he liked the idea that it had a seat.

Your Mom must be physically and emotionally exhausted. Many of us here had to wait until there was a serious illness or serious fall before we could get our parent into an around the clock care facility.

Thank you so much for responding.

My mom was pretty clear about bringing him to my home and not letting him leave.

They have an extremely limited income and are trying to get on Medicaid. I'm worried about their mental health at this point, and my mom has been pushed beyond her limits and desperately needs to find long-term care for him.

No, don't bring your distressed, incontinent, frail father to your home where your young child lives. Obviously.

Are you sure that your mother doesn't mean you should pretend you're taking him to your house, when in fact the real plan is you detour to a nursing home and drop him off there willy-nilly?

That's not AS bad an idea, but it still is a pretty bad one. First things first - what about bringing in professional helpers to deal with your father's personal care? You could organise that pretty much immediately, provided your parents can afford it.