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I have a sister who has been abusing drugs on and off for years, and has always been very manic. She recently lost custody of her two children due to her behavior, and has been committed at least a few times.


Some time ago she moved back in with our mom. And I got a little info here and there on my sister's behavior. Recently, I decided I wanted to save some money and move in with my mom short-term and expressed my concerns about my sister. My mom said she was good and doing better.


Wow...was she wrong.


It seems from the last time I was around my sister she has gotten much worse. And I really regret the decision to move here (yes, I'm going to leave as soon as I can). But what really strikes me is the verbal abuse she gives our mom. She also steals things to sells them on the streets. My second day there I was able to record some video of her flipping out on me and our mom because I wouldn't give her money. I think my sister needs professional help. My mom thinks she is helping her, but I also have another brother here for over many years and he has not gotten any better (but he at least stays in his room and doesn't communicate with anyone).


Everyone that has visited the home is worried how bad she is. But they don't even have a clue as to what is really going on. My mom cannot stand up for herself.


My mom is still rational...except when it comes to family (which I understand), but she really needs to get her out of this house because it will get worse. I had no idea how bad it was until I moved here, and within the same day I knew this was going to be a really dangerous ride.


I believe my mom does want to do something but can't get herself to do it. Nor does she know exactly what to do. Is there anything we can do to initiate something? She needs to be in a professional environment before she hurts our mom.

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Cops were called again. Another brother of mine and his fiancee came over while I was at work, I was able to show up later. They are saying she has rights (I love this state...) It seems short of her pulling a gun on anyone there is nothing they will do without some sort of court order. So, my brother got my mom to start filling out the [lengthy] restraining order. I hope my mom really does fall through in getting that turned into the court.

I don't want to abandon my mom--but I cannot live here. The only reason I came here was to help her out while at the same time I would be able to save some extra cash. I offered money and to do stuff around the house, we both benefit. She gets extra money and I get to have fun fixing things. And being here increased my commute from 20 minutes to an hour (one way). I say this because I don't want anyone to think I am mooching off my mom also. I wouldn't even be staying here tonight but my mom doesn't want to leave (she has the option to always staying at another sister of mine [yes, this is kind of a big family]).

Anyhow, I'll update here if she actually does get the restraining order filed. But this is so frustrating that someone like her has more rights than my elder mom.
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Nope! I would not accept that answer from the police! If that were my mother, I would March right down to the local police department, and ask to speak to the lieutenant. Do this, it is your right. Tell him you are there to make a report of your sisters verbal attack on your mother. Then go on and tell him what's been going on. Show him the video and tell him she is an active addict who is a threat to the health and safety of a senior citizen. Who, by the way, owns the house, pays the bills and is frightened for her safety and wants her out.

Tell him everything, that her behavior has escalated, she steals from the house, and fights to get money out of you & your mom. Plus you know for a fact she will become violent. 

Ask for a temporary restraining order, ensure him you will get any other necessary document(s) (eviction, etc...) from the Court before the temporary restraining order expires. There should be a court date on the temporary restraining order.

Believe me, a lot of the patrol officers do not know the law! My husband was a detective for the sheriff's department, in the Warrant Squad for many, many years. That was one of his biggest complaints.

Refuse not be heard, make sure you speak to somebody higher up Lieutenant, Captain Etc. Once you speak to one of them, you can guarantee that they don't want a negative on their record if anything should happen to your mom, after you went to him personally. Make sure it's clear on your report who you spoke to and what is rank is.

I also totally agree with country mouse that APS should be notified ASAP. Please don't leave your mom alone in this situation. Good luck let us know how it turns out.
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With the support group idea I was thinking more of a resource for your mother, putting her in touch with other parents who are wrestling with similar situations.

The stress can't be helping your mother's decision-making abilities.

The thing is, you seem clear in your original post that your mother has not lost the ability to make rational decisions. She just isn't capable of coming to *this* rational decision when it comes to confronting your sister and chucking her out. And by rational, if you don't mind my saying so, you mean the one you yourself would make.

Well, you've got recorded evidence of your sister's verbal assault on your mother, you could take it to the police. If it's bad enough, they can arrest her without your mother's agreement and maybe that would send her down a different route towards therapy and rehab; but it doesn't sound as though it's likely to happen.

The whole situation must be extremely painful and frustrating for you and it is very difficult to see what you can do about it except alert the authorities - the police, APS - to your mother's existence as a person at risk of harm. I think your instincts, that you're going to have to walk away and not get sucked in, must be correct, don't you? That won't stop you loving your mother, or being there for her if and when she turns to you.
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I know about addiction; I was there many many years ago. I know what my sister needs. Kicking her out may look rough, but it's what she needs.

Today she did call the police while I was off at work and they said they cannot do anything without an eviction. She doesn't have a lease or pay anything so I found that kind of strange. And this is California, my research hasn't turned up a solid answer if she has tenant rights (because she has been here for awhile, so it might have turned automatic at a certain length of time) or she really is trespassing. I might need to speak to a lawyer and pay a nice fee just for that question, ugh.

Thing is, I KNOW she will eventually turn violent. Her history has shown that she will. My mom is unable to make a rational decision and feels trapped and scared. And I'll be honest, I didn't come here for this. I love my mom, but I cannot put myself through this.

So there really isn't anything anyone can do even if we believe our mom cannot make a rational decision and the abuse continues?
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Have you looked at narcotics support groups in your mother's area?

Your poor mother may be carting around a heap of guilt. Two children (not you) in her home, unable to stay launched? I am certain you are absolutely right - your mother needs help and support. Doesn't mean it has to be you who provides it, though.
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This is your mom's battle to fight, not yours. It's her house. It's her daughter. It has to be mom who says enough and parents, especially mom's, have an extremely difficult time doing that without being supported by professional help. You can go down the list of all the reasons why your sister should move out and your mom will probably sit and listen and maybe even agree but when it comes to taking action not many parent's will follow through.

It's good that you're leaving. At least you have a choice. Your mom is kind of stuck there with your sister.
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What about APS. You have the tape. Maybe they can have your sister escorted off the property. She may get violent if You or Mom don't do something she wants. Have you thought that Mom and brother are afraid of her. Not fair to him he spends his days in his room. Don't wait till she hurts someone.
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Can you get your Mom to attend a class or group? NAMI has a Family to Family class that would be helpful to her. There are also specific support groups like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and CoDA. She may find comfort and support from others in similar situations.
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Your sister needs to hit rock bottom. It sounds like she is an addict. Giving her a home and letting her steal things without getting the police involved is just adding time to her active addiction.

When parents in this situation try to help their children with addictions, they end up enabling them. It is very hard for a parent to throw their child out. I know I've been there. However the quicker she (ur sisters) can find her bottom, the quicker she can come to the conclusion that she doesn't want this life anymore.

An addict has to want recovery. There is no way, on God's green earth, anyone can give them recovery.

I would throw her out, get a restraining order, and let her make her own way. Anything beyond that is just enabling.
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