Hi! I hope this is an okay place to ask this question. I am not the caretaker, but my girlfriend is a full time caretaker for her disabled mother. Her mother is blind and suffering from dimentia, among other things. She is entirely bedridden and incontinent, so she is unable to be left alone for long periods of time.
My girlfriend is determined to be her mother's full time caretaker until the end, but because her mother fell ill right as she graduated high school, she has never known a moment of life as an adult outside caretaking. She has gone to school online, but as her mother's health declined, it became harder for her. She's graduating now, but wants to go to graduate school. The way her mother is going, I don't think this is possible.
Her mother is terribly verbally abusive, all day. She says horrible things about her constantly, and often even though my GF tries, these things soak in and hurt her a lot. Her mother has threatened violence before, many times. She has locked her out of the house during arguments she starts in fits of rage, and then hurt herself because she is unable to see and not very mobile. When she's "having a bad day" which is most of the time, her abuse is constant. I had to stop coming around, because I was unable to stop myself from saying anything when her mother said horrible horrible things, and then her mother would get mad at me and be even worse to my girlfriend after I left.
Increasingly, her mother is unable to be without her for even a moment. Most of the time, my gf gives in, because she doesn't want to deal with the abuse that will follow if she doesn't comply. She can't lay down in her own space or do her schoolwork alone without her mother demanding her presence. When we are out together, she checks in with her mother every hour or two and has to cut the conversations short because her mother will want to talk. She rarely is away from her for more than 3 hours or so. Even when a Medicare nurse comes in for about 3 hours a day, her mother demands she stay home as well.
Because she has been unable to work, she's been unable to save any money that could put her mom in a home, not that it's a small amount of cash. Her mother does not have anything. They both live on her mother's disability.
She's afraid of abandoning her mother and never wants to put her in a home. She feels it's her obligation to take care of her mother and is adamantly against anything that may be seen as such, especially to her mother, who increasingly sees things like being in the other room as abandonment and has threatened to call the police for "elder abuse".
As an outside observer who loves and cares, it's so hard to see what I would say is an abusive, coercive situation. Her mother, when we were younger since I've known her for a long time, was always amazing to me and has called me family for a long time, but both me and my girlfriend agree this woman is not her mother.
What can I do as a loved one to help her?
It's time for your girlfriend's mother to go to a nursing home. You both agree that the person in the bed is not your girlfriend's mother and both of you are right. Dementia took the woman who you knew. Your girlfriend's mother who describe as 'amazing'. She is gone. What dementia has left in her place is a miserable, suffering husk.
I don't doubt fpr a second what you say about the abuse your girlfriend endures every day from her mother. I was a caregiver for 25 years. I know what you're saying is true.
Am I correct in assuming that your girlfriend made the promise to never put her mother in a "home"?
She has to renege on that promise now and it's okay to. Please ask your girlfriend to sit down with you and remember the person her mother was before dementia reduced her to an abusive invalid.
Would that once amazing woman ever wish for her daughter to be living the life she is? Would she want the girl she loved so much to be a slave day in and day out in miserable servitude to her? If she was the woman she was and knew that something like 40% or 50% of caregivers die before the people they care for, would she hold her daughter to that promise?
No. She wouldn't.
Her mother belongs in a nursing home now being cared for by a full professional staff. Not one person with severe caregiver burnout.
You may have to support your girlfriend for a while if she places her mother until she gets a job. Are you willing to do that?
If you are, show her this post and help her find a suitable care facility.
I'm seeing the side of girlfriend that could cause trouble for you - she's not independent of her mom enough to even do her schoolwork in privacy. She allows this old curmudgeon to rule her life. She's willing to take abuse. She's willing to be coerced. She checks in with mom as if she's still a little kid. Mom has the power and wields the control. The result is that girlfriend has a lot of growing up to do. She hasn't passed milestones that most women have passed by her age. She's been stunted by her mom.
This is co-dependency at its worse. Girlfriend should have counseling so she can figure out how to break free of her emotional dependence and claim her own life.
As for the nonsense about being her mom's caregiver till the end, that's rubbish. Mom clearly would benefit from other companionship - she's anxious when she's alone, and she may have no one else to call but girlfriend. Surely there's a group home where she'd be cared for and be able to enjoy life. Ask the social workers. Since she's blind, an association that helps the blind might be able to help with volunteers and advice as well as devices to help. American Council for the Blind, National Federation for the Blind are two of them.
Mom should have a hospice or palliative care evaluation as well.
Good luck.
The police would see (hopefully) what is going on and refer to a Social Worker. Many Police Departments have a Social Worker on staff. the Social Worker would work with your GF to find the right balance.
That could mean having a Caregiver come in and give your GF a break.
That could mean placing mom in a Memory Care facility but the more likely placement would be Skilled Nursing as many MC would probably not be equipped to handle someone that is blind.
Do you know what type of dementia mom has? The reason for this question is that some forms of dementia present with more violent tendencies than others.
Are the hallucinations being treated? (Does her doctor know that she is having hallucinations?)
Is there a therapist or counselor that your GF can talk to? Someone that can give her an unbiased opinion and listen to her and her reasons for why she feel as though she has to take this on herself. I always said when I was caring for my Husband that I would have to place him if it ever became unsafe for me to care for him at home. By this I mean:
If it became un safe for him for me to care for him or if it became unsafe for ME I would have had to place him.
Safety is not just physical safety but mental and emotional.
The other catch here is...
Who is POA for mom? If no one then your GF may have to become her mothers Guardian. Not something that is easy or inexpensive. the other option would be to allow the Judge in Court appoint a Guardian and mom would then become a Ward of the State and the Appointed Guardian would make the necessary decisions for her.