Hello. My mother recently moved into an AL and within 3 weeks became delusional and paranoid. Two days ago, she became so erratic that she was sent to the ER for evaluation. She thought all of the monitors, lights, and other equipment were cameras set up by the owner of the AL to spy on her. She immediately began refusing care in the ER, but since I am POA, she had to comply. They evaluated her and determined she needed Geri Psych care....the last think she ever wanted. She thinks that she is in palliative care and is refusing all meds. The unit nurse called me last night to see if I could get through to her to take her blood pressure medication, but she is so mad at me (and delusional) that it only made it worse. She just keeps repeating (frantically) one word...."NO!" Very tangential and at times almost incoherent. I want to add that my mother has been emotionally manipulative throughout my life so it is sometimes hard to discern if this is disease or personality which only makes it more complicated. I am so very scared and feel helpless (I live 2 hours away from her). I know that she is terrified and as a retired nurse, she still knows enough to say to make this so much worse for herself. I feel like I have failed her as a daughter (probably part of that manipulation and my subsequent co-dependence) and really have no one to talk to that understands. I have a very loving partner, but this is beginning to cause significant issues in our marriage. I also have very supportive colleagues who have been great, but everything has its limits and my absence from work is placing extra stress on them (and our consumers). I want to do what is in my mother's best interest in terms of care, but I feel like I am making every wrong decision there is to make. I am unable to provide her the level of care she needs and my greatest fear is that she will not be able to return to the AL and worse yet, be in a position that Memory Care is the only alternative. I guess at this point I am just wanting to hear from others with similar narratives that can give me some validation that what I am doing is not wrong or horrible. I am from the Bible Belt so this goes against everything I was taught growing up as it relates to what we are supposed to do when our parents get to this stage in life. The guilt is mounting and I just feel helpless (not hopeless). Thanks in advance for your responses. Any and all advice is appreciated.
My suggestion to you is to let the medical experts tell you what's going on with mom once they conduct their tests. Let THEM tell YOU what's best for her moving forward regarding the best managed care environment to suit her needs. Her health has nothing to do with you being a 'good' daughter or a 'bad' daughter, either, so remove that thought from your head.
My mother lives in a Memory Care AL herself, with advanced dementia. She's taken a step down recently where she's decided I'm the Bad Guy (more than I have been normally) and won't speak to me, nor will SHE take her meds either; she's been pocketing them in her room. While this scenario is upsetting to me, I realize it's not my fault, nor am I really The Bad Guy, nor have I ever been, and it is SHE that is suffering from dementia and mental illness before that. She's always been mean & nasty & horribly manipulative, too, so it's hard to separate the bull from the sh*t sometimes, but in the end, it doesn't matter. All that DOES matter is that she's safe and well cared for in the AL. With dementia, we all lose. She's miserable, I'm sad & suffering from stomach aches, it's a grief-fest for all concerned. But one thing I'm not suffering from is Guilt. I've been a 'good daughter' to her by doing all I'm capable OF doing for the past 10+ years she's been living nearby to me and my DH. I can't and won't take her in to live with me b/c her needs are just too enormous and I am only one person who simply cannot fulfill those needs, period. I can advocate for her, and be there for her when she needs me, talk her off cliffs, bring her snacks, manage her entire life, but that's all. And it IS enough. Just as what you are able to do for your mother is enough. Old age and infirmity is something neither of us can 'fix' for our mothers. They travel that path alone, for the most part, and all we can do is love them while they're on it.
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed as you travel this terrible journey with your mother. Be sure to take care of yourself & your marriage along the way b/c you matter too. Just as much as she does.
There have been a number of posts where family doesn't live close but are aware of some decline in a parent. So they move in with the parent or move them in with them only to find it was much worse than they thought. A person can seem perfectly normal but late afternoon "sundown" and be completely out of it. The ability to seem normal is "showtiming". They are not able to do this for long.
If ur Mom was already showing signs of a Dementia before you moved her, moving may have accelerated the symptoms. Those suffering from Dementia like familiarity. Their world becomes their home and leaving it can cause anxiety. They overwhelm very easily.
You have done nothing wrong. You are doing what you feel is best for Mom. We all make mistakes. Your in unfamiliar waters. Just like raising kids. Yes, it may be found Mom needs MC. ALs are really not able to care for someone with the symptoms your Mom is having. Its now what she needs, not what she wants. She can no longer make informed decisions. Thats what your POA is for. You can care for Mom without doing the physical caring. Your are making sure she is safe, fed and being cared for. Your marriage is #1.
Is it possible she had a stroke? Was she checked for this? Diabetes? Was she taking any meds prior to this recent problem and maybe she was over- or under-dosing?
Do you think the geripsych doc may be able to prescribe an anti-anxiety med for her? It seems she needs to be brought into a mental state where she will at least be willing to swallow a pill. At the end of the day you can only do what is doable. Caregiving should not be onerous to the giver. This is not part of the package no matter what. Does your work offer family leave?
You have nothing to feel guilty about -- you're doing your absolute best in a very challenging situation with someone who is irrationally uncooperative. I think grief is a more appropriate word. May you receive clarity over your co-dependence, wisdom in your decision-making and peace in your heart no matter what transpires on this journey.