What can I do when I can no longer care for mom?

Who has Power of Attorney? That person has decision rights. I hope you do. If not, get to a lawyer and get to be her POA.

Now don’t spend your money, spend hers down until she qualifies for Medicaid. You can use her money for someone to care for her to give you a respite or to take her to Bermuda.
in the meantime, see a lawyer ( with her money) to determine the laws of your State. Each State has it’s own laws regarding Medicaid.

Then find a nice place that will accept Medicaid and commit her.

You can visit her once a month, if you like.

And treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

Who has Power of Attorney? That person has decision rights. I hope you do. If not, get to a lawyer and get to be her POA.

Now don’t spend your money, spend hers down until she qualifies for Medicaid. You can use her money for someone to care for her to give you a respite or to take her to Bermuda.
Perhaps first see a lawyer ( with her money) to determine the laws of your State. Each State has it’s own laws regarding Medicaid.

Then find a nice place that will accept Medicaid and commit her.

You can visit her once a month, if you like.

And treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

Medicaid will Kick in when Her Own from Home RESOURCES are all Gone...All I can Advisse, Only that Tooo, You can Hire someone until all of this Money to is Gone and Begin the Procedure again for Medicaid....

Good discussion in this thread. I'd like to summarize my thoughts for OP

Forget about the siblings. There is nothing you can do about them.

Forget about moving Mom to Assisted living/MC. Mom or you can't afford it. (you shouldn't be paying your money anyway unless you were rich enough where it wouldn't affect you or your future or future care).

DO try to get Mom into a skilled nursing facility. IF her Dr. judges she needs or meets that standard of care, Medicaid of LTC Medicaid will cover her, even though she makes too much for regular Medicaid. You will need the support of health care professionals for this. Start with her primary care Dr.

Mom needs to be out of your home ASAP. For her safety and your family's. You can go the take Mom to the hospital route if nothing else is working out for you. You tell them it is unsafe at home, which it is, and you will not be able to care for her. If you don't want to do that, then I would suggest you will need to call an authoritative agency (APS, CPS, Police) to help you.

You obviously have taken on a lot of the responsibilities for the care of your mother, and I can relate with how overwhelming the responsibilities can be and the frustration from other family members not taking on their share of responsibilities. There are ways for you to get Meficaidfor yoyr mother, so that you can get the help you need to alleviate some if the weight you're carrying. If you're mother was denied of Medicaid, it more than likely was because her income and asset/rsources was over the medicaid requirement amount. There are varous pathways to shielding your mother's income an asset si that she can get Medicad. Call an Elder lawyer in your state. If you're in any of the five boroughs in New York contact Health Trust at info@healthtrust-mltc.com

It is tough..you need to consider your children and yourself.
If money for care is the problem..Apply for long term care medical. She will have a share of cost and my have to spend down for monthly care while in the facility. It is difficult to tell your mother where she must go...but you have to do it. To prolong this in your home you and the children will gradually change in your "tolerance" and will handle her out of "frustration" and my progress to anger. When she is in a facility there are Meds. that deal
with anxiety. You can visit daily or....she will know she still has you. You are both dealing with "loss". It is hard but she will adjust and you can have some level of peace in your home and family

Your mom took care of all of you from birth. So it's the adult children to take care of her. What is wrong with people now a days?? You all see your parent's as burdens, when I am sure they didn't see you that way.
My 2 sisters and I took turns taking care of mom from 3 months to a year. She passed away at an early age of 58 due to Diabetic complications. She lost her eyesight 5 yrs before passing.
Before we took care of her, She was so independent, hard working, loved all her grandkids. Her diabetes got bad and worse when my dad and her divorced. She was depressed.
My dad remarried and died at 72 due to brain tumor. I helped his second wife with my Dads care.
We never thought of putting our parent's in a nursing home. They took care of us when sleepless nights when we were born.

My mother n law went into palliative care with in our area in New York and it cost $16,000 a month. We aren’t rich and we couldn’t just pitch in 16,000 a month so we had to use my mother n laws savings for the month and the my brother n law took her to his house with hospice. She was at the end of life and died 2 weeks later.

Tiredmomma, have you looked into the Miller Trust or Qualified Income Trust? That's exactly what they are set up for -- over the limit situations. This is a quote from my state office: [Medicaid Planning – the majority of persons considering Medicaid are “over-income” or “over-asset” or both, but still cannot afford their cost of care. For persons in this situation, Medicaid planning exists. By working with a Medicaid planning professional, families can employ a variety of strategies to help them become Medicaid eligible. Read more or connect with a Medicaid planner.]

It sounds like you need a more professional Medicaid advisor.

While I realize sometimes it gets hard to read through all the responses, especially when they start exceeding one page, but you need to at least skim through them people!

Already Miller Trust has been suggested multiple times and most if not all were followed up with NC (OP/mom's state) doesn't do Miller Trust AND mom has No, read that again N...O... assets, so there is nothing to spend down. Mom's income exceeds the state MEAGER Medicaid limit. As OP posted, too many people use legal means to "protect" their assets and then use Medicaid to pay their way, leaving those with real need SOL.

The secondary problem is that every state has different rules/coverages. It appears that NC Medicaid will cover NH IF you meet the low income requirement, but doesn't cover any kind of AL. Not everyone qualifies for NH (has to be a real need for specialized nursing care - dementia alone doesn't qualify for most if not all cases.) Various State's Medicaid might cover AL, but usually it is limited, there are few places who accept it and some places are probably not where you would want your LO to be!

Please try to skim through the answers before responding.

Tiredmomma, I sense nothing has changed in the past week. I'm sorry you're still in this situation but if it is true that Mom's dementia is a safety issue for your kids and herself you need to remove her from your environment. I know it is very difficult to place someone in a NH on your own if you do not have the money. You won't be able to do it on your own. So you are going to need the State or an authoritative agency or the hospital to take over. We've given you some options in this thread, I hope you follow through with some of them for all of your family's sake.

You poor thing. I do agree that it is time for your mom to go to a NH. You and your family must come first.

I'm confused. If she goes into a NH, has no money, and gets less per month in "income" than her NH care would cost, why wouldn't medi____ pay the rest? Did she used to have money and it was spent in ways that do not qualify for the approved "spend down" from getting to having money to not having money? Like if she gave $10k to a friend or relative, that money would delay her being able to get assistance or would have to be paid back, IIRC.

Best of luck. You might want to talk with someone at a local NH to see how they can help you get mom to be their newest resident.

From what you are saying...no assets, limited income, a danger to herself...there is no way she should be denied.  If she was diagnosed long ago and is a verifiable danger...there is not any question here she would qualify.
Now... if is was a facility that receives no state funding and is fully private...they do not have to take her and many do not want to deal with dementia patients.  Have you contacted a social worker with your issues.  If you are at the point of mental and physical exhaustion to the point of endangering yourself...this is not any good for anyone.   I would contact an elderly care social worker, explain your dilemma and they can send you down the correct path.  It might take some time, but they could get you started.  Again, with what you have said...there is no way she would be denied.

There is an agency called council on aging which will help. I have a brother in law has received a lot of help with no cost.
Cicoa I think is the initials. In Indiana we call 211 hope they can help you

Sorry you have such nasty, selfish sisters. I guess I won't be jealous of those who have siblings. I'm alone and have been taking care of my now 100-year-old Mother for about 6 years, 3 years in my home.

I don't understand the Medicaid system. My understanding is that the person who needs the care must go through all his/her assets down to $2or3,000. Then Medicaid kicks in to pay for the care.

You don't say your age. If you are too old to take care of her, or have health issues, perhaps you should call Adult Protective Services. If nothing else, they will get your lazy sisters involved.

Tell you what, call an attorney pronto. I don't know what state you are in.

Call for attorney recommendations:

National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys
https://www.naela.org/findlawyer
naela@naela.org
NAELA Council of Advanced Practitioners
1577 Spring Hill Rd., Suite 310
Vienna, VA 22182 
703-942-5711


I have an excellent attorney in Colorado:

M. Carl Glatstein

You can find a reason for her to be hospitalized and then tell the SW she can NOT return to your house; they will have to find a Memory Care ALF or nursing home depending on her level of care. Be firm with the social worker and if needed, change your address to a post office box and change your phone number to unlisted.