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My father has been diagnosed with a brain tumor which is inoperable. Since this time his condition has been deteriorating rapidly. Here is the problem, my mother will not let any one in the family come visit him. In fact, he's in a rehab center instead of a hospice and she has requested he do physical therapy. My sister and I are wits end because we want our father to be comfortable and well taken care of during his time left. We have spoken to the nurses and they also have noticed how our mother is refusing to listen to the best advice from the doctors and therapists. How do we get our father the care he needs? We believe our mother is mentally unstable and this has only added emotional complexity to the situation. Our father unfortunately goes in and out of lucidness so he is really unable to make decisions even though when the doctor spoke with him on his own he agreed he would go into hospice care. Please HELP!! Our father is only 56 and we can't bare to see him like this! Thank you for your assistance.

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mcsurfer32, I don't think your Mom is mentally unstable, she is scared.... to be losing the love of her life, devastating. I don't know how independent your Mom is, or how very dependent she is on your Dad. If the latter, it's another layer of issues. This isn't how they planned their retirement, they probably thought they had another 30 years together.

I remember back when my Dad had a heart attack, my Mom was in total denial that he had one. Heavens, no. Plus she wanted it to be hush, hush, because in her era if a wife's husband became ill, that meant she wasn't a good wife.

For now, let Mom think what she wants, you won't be able to change her mind due to her fear. For my own Mom, it was like talking to a brick wall, and all it got us was everyone, including my Dad, upset. I wish I could take back those days and had done things differently. Try to be there for your Mom, even if you disagree with how she is thinking.
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Although inoperable terminal may mean his death is imminent, is it possible may not be? How much information do you have about his short term prognosis or about other treatment options? How recently has he had the diagnosis? Your mother may be in denial, but she may possibly know things you do not. My brother was devastated when his surgeon said there was nothing he could do and literally walked out the door, it was only days later that he was put in contact with an oncologist whose treatment allowed him another year of life.
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If the doctors have your father's agreement to hospice care the decision is out of your mother's hands. Let them deal with it.

I am very sorry for your father's suffering, and very sorry that you will be losing him at such a young age. But your mother will still need you, even after he has sadly passed away. The rehab centre is staffed by fully-qualified people who will take good care of your father, so rather than try to countermand your mother shouldn't you be concentrating on giving her all the emotional support you can?
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