My parents have been married over 60 years. My mother has been unhappy for most of that time. She has been caregiving for my dad. Dad is frail, with limited mobility but can get around with a walker. Mom is Type A personality. Dad is basically a hen-pecked husband. Mom had reached her limit and asked Dad to ask me to take him for 2 weeks which I did. I flew to their state, my sister who lives locally took Dad and I to the train station, we traveled 22 hours by train to my state and then did the reverse to get him back home (Dad won't fly). There were challenges, but my Dad is an easy-going guy, appreciative and loving.
I haven't been home for 48 hours and Dad says Mom wants out. She enjoyed her 2 weeks off and doesn't want to caregive anymore. She wants out, as in divorce.
I don't know what to do. Should I call a social worker to find out what our options are? Do we wait for Mom to leave? Side note, Mom and I have a rocky relationship right now, she doesn't communicate with me. I found out how serious things are with Dad while he was here, things I wasn't aware of the seriousness - like his fine motor skills and eyesight are very poor. She always says he has dementia, and his short-term memory is really bad, but he is a walking encyclopedia when it comes to history, books, politics and things that he is interested in, we can have completely normal conversations. He just can't remember where he left his jacket 5 minutes ago. So having had a mother-in-law who really did have dementia, I don't feel like Dad is there at all.
Mom has been a very good caretaker for Dad physically, but has become very emotionally abusive to him. I can't fix the dynamics of their marriage - I can't force my mom to stay when she's so miserable.
What would be a good first step for me to take? Thank you for reading.
Let your Dad know if he wants a pre emptive seperation and placement away from this woman, that he should let you know. Stay in contact with Dad.
Every relationship is unique. This is just another one. I think it unlikely Mom will leave. If she does, good riddance.
But this is your marriage. If you want out, think it through.
What do you really need?
More temporary breaks? Where Dad stays in respite for 2 weeks at a time? Or weekly breaks where Dad goes to adult daycare.
Or maybe you do want out for good (ie divorce).
Use this time Dad stays with me to look into your options. Properly.
Find a therapist & start discussing what your future life will look like. Find a social worker to help take the steps needed. Find an elder legal service to assist with legal/financial matters.
This is your marriage & your responsibility.
Dumping Dad on your kids & walking away is NOT the way. Got it?
I can help you find the help you need but I will NOT be your solution.
How's that?
The last place an adult child belongs is in the middle of their parents' martial squabbles. Because it sounds like you've been there your whole life, you might consider speaking to a social worker or counselor yourself. (Went back and read your other posts about Mom's depression, passive/aggressive behavior AND that you have sought therapy--Yay!)
Although you say that dad is easy-going and appreciative, beware of the idea of moving him into your home if he decides to leave mom. Will he consider the idea of moving to an Independent Living Facility or Senior Apartment where he can be around more peers?
Let one of them initiate a divorce or separation or a move out. If Mom moves out or initiates divorce or separation then support Dad. Until then, I'd let them figure out their own marriage.
It does sound like Mom is one of those people that complain about everything and will never be happy with anything. I also suspect she will never move out.
You and your sibling need to have a serious conversation with your mother and lay all the cards on the table. Speak in plain language and make it understood that neither of you are going to take over the caregiving for your father and he will not be moving into either of your homes. If this is not an option you or your sibling is offering, your mother must be made aware of it. It seems to me like this is exactly what she wants and is waiting for you or your sibling to bring it up. Your mother very likely wants to stay legally married and wants to keep your father out of a care facility because she doesn't want her own standard of living or income to decrease if your father goes into AL, or MC, or even senior independent living. She wants everything to stay the same, but only with your father living somewhere else that also comes with free caregiving services.
Tell her to grow up. It's not up to you or your sibling to fix your parents' lives. You and your sibling can discuss care options for your father, but keep a bit of a distance though. Ultimately it will be her decision if she wants to get divorced at her age.
Yeah, I don't know what she wants because she won't discuss anything with me. I know you are right, my sister and I need to present a united front and be direct. I dread the circular conversation that will ensue. But we at least have to try before we bring in a social worker/mediator type person.
Geaton and BarbBrooklyn,
Thank you for thoughtful and detailed constructive responses. You've given me lots to think about. I think I'm going to check in with Dad tomorrow, see how he's doing. Sister is taking him out to lunch on Weds. It probably does me no good to get all worked up tonight from 1000 miles away. Mom could change her tune in the next 48 hours, who knows.
In my heart the best thing is to get them away from each other. How to do that is the hard part. I know Mom will not want to talk about money, while Dad has already shared approximately what is available, letting me know "Don't tell your mom I told you this"... ugh.
This has been one, big, huge lesson in what not to do to my kids.
It reminds me of a friend's Dad yrs back. Was dealing with serious health issues of his wife. "We're fine, she's fine, I'm fine, no don't need any help". Had a successful career, could manage right?
Except he was NOT fine & he DID need help. The burden of care was stretching over many years. He did not know how to say it or find it. Was overwhelmed & burning out.
As Geaton pointed out, his marriage vows 'in sickness & in health' was his strong moral code. Add in the strong religious belief to put others before you, then add that 'I am a sucessfull manager' personality & ... he coped & coped until one day... Boom! He lost it.
Put wife in the hospital & drove to all adults kids homes (spread all other the state) to announce his wish for divorce.
Shock & more shock.
What happened next was having Mother somewhere cared for & safe, then counselling for Father.
He then SAW he could actually continue by accepting the HELP he had long denied.
That story ended with a lovely couple still married till the end, getting the support they BOTH needed.
Now for the OP's folks, they may stay together or maybe not. Maybe they both could reach a better level of happiness apart? Marriage counselling is good for those situations deciding on joined or separate paths.
So rather than try to *fix* the folks marriage or *swoop* in to save Dad - point them both towards a qualified marriage counselor service.
As my DH (bluntly) tells his family members "I am not your shrink" 😄
Tribe, your folks are lucky to have you in their team. But you don't have to be the Coach.
My way of being with my parents was to wait until I was asked for something. If I was asked, I could then set some limits around what help I was willing to give.
This is opposed to "swooping", a bad habit that ALOT of us have.
What has mom "asked for"? Is she asking for you to "take" dad? Does she think he is your responsibility? Is she asking for help with establishing her own household?
You have indicated in the past that you and mom have a pretty fraught relationship. Be prepared for NOTHING that you do is right.
What does DAD want?
Do you think that either of your parents would listen to a mediator or social worker? How about you ask them if they'd like you to arrange for a divorce mediator to come to their home and talk to them. Would that help, or would that be yet another piece of assistance that mom would reject?
Please be aware that if there are limited assets involved, you/they need to be very mindful of Medicaid regs. Mom may want to divide assets in a certain way that is totally contrary to the "best" way to do things. If mom is going to be obdurate and not listen to advice, then she needs her own lawyer to represent her best interests.
I understand that you love both of your parents, but it sounds as though your dad is the one who needs care and who is being abused by mom. He may need someone to represent HIS interests so he can get the care he needs.
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