I don't even know where to begin. I'm a mom with 4 wonderful children of my own. I guess to sum it up my mom continues (from early childhood in which I had some other abuse) to treat me horribly and refuses other caregiving help of which I'm doing appx 80%. She can (selectively) barely walk or see, has selective hearing/memory, and hallucinations. She refuses to use her walker or take her Drs advice. Now she stubbornly insisted on doing something I begged her not to and broke her left arm. 3 moth recovery time! Now she can't sit from laying, stand, or walk. She went for surgery and got discharged again, refusing (possibly Drs coerced) any follow up care help. I re-injured myself while lifting her to the toilet yesterday. I quit my 80+ hr/wk job over a yr ago to find something better and instead got all this! In the last year she broke her hip falling, had shingles, shoulder fall, ER leg swelling, now arm. All these required extensive caregiving from me. Which I've been doing all voluntary. It's been financially necessary for me to work for months now. To which she says, "and yet you haven't even looked for another job"!?!? Curiously she miraculously always does better with others, so they don't even realize she is needing way more care. I'm at my wits end but unfortunately another family member isn't at that point due to all her miraculous recovery, praise and "poor me" routines with them. So, I can't just get her into a nursing home. Of course, there's lots more. Lots of hate spews out of her mouth at me whenever I try to have a logical convo (aka "argument") with her to solve her complaints or even discuss anything needful. Also, even when she was more cognizant last year, I asked her to PLEASE just have breakfast alone and let me sleep a little longer. I have a LOT of trouble getting bare minimum sleep. She wakes me up every day since that at 6:30am, always insisting "but you asked me to"! Not a match.
Please, does anyone have any suggestions?
Step away from helping your Mom. Stop being her solution. Don't answer he calls (tell her if she's having a health crisis to call 911. If she falls, she calls 911). Don't clean her house, shop for her, or anything else. Point her to social services, tell her to call her local Area Agency on Aging, her local Senior Center, her friends, or other family members who don't have kids and don't need to work. Get a job, protect yourself and your own family and your futures, which is your #1 priority, not your Mom. She is a grown woman who is actually capable of making decisions and getting things done for herself. She will whine. She'll complain. She'll be so very angry. She'll make threats. Ignore all of it. Change the subject and the minute she spews anything that isn't loving and respectful, hang up or leave.
She can't abuse you if you don't allow it. You are in control, not her.
Here's where it's at, the good progress:
I set 2 Boundaries so far:
1. I can not help in the physical care and recoveries like I have been.
2. Since I'm looking for work, I can not do the amount of checking in etc that I have been.
I had to tell my Brother about 10 times for him to hear me. Then He asked if my kids could take a few shifts. I politely said no (I won't ask them to!). He said he can be with her 5 days a week during recovery. Also Mom and he agreed to bring in at-home care 2 days/wk early am and late pm to dress/toilet etc. The heavy stuff. Assume they want me there rest of those 2 days. But I'm not offering.
I will be taking a job as soon as I find one, ASAP. Hopefully the coming week.
Mom said "she wants written proof that I'm applying for jobs, since I haven't been even been looking for one. And not one with your friends, I don't like or trust them." I told her "a job is my business".
I get NO compensation for the care I provide her, so don't know why she wants proof. And I don't have time to even have friends lol.
I'll post more as I can.
Now it is to stick to them.
Indeed, whatever reason you aren't there for your mother is none of her business and she needs to be told that.
It is time to take care of yourself.
I congratulate you. Truly I congratulate you on this. While you may backslide a bit when they get at you just remember to EMBRACE your LIMITATIONS. If they want to BLAME you then let them, but let them know it will change nothing, and in fact will likely result in your helping less, not more.
YOU HAVE GOT THIS.
Get your mom into AL and take your life back.
You took all this on. You VOLUNTEERED.
And you took it on knowing you had to work, and knowing you have four dependent children who need your attention.
To my mind it is your children who will suffer most here.
Your mother is abusive.
She shouldn't be overmuch in your life at all, and I think your children would be much better off without her in THEIR lives.
She has no dementia. Stay out of her life. Keep her out of yours. When she has no caregivers then she will go into the care she needs, whether on her own speed or with the help of the state who cannot discharge her from her broken-bone forays without a caregiver (see to it that caregiver is NOT you).
I have tried to read through your note to us several times and find I still cannot figure out just where you mom lives?
Please tell me that she doesn't live with YOU; and please never take her in.
Clearly your mother is making her own decisions. Eventually she will end in rehab and placement whether she likes it or not UNLESS you interfer in that process by taking on the care, as you currently are/have been doing.
The position you find yourself in is not the fault of your mother. It is something that you yourself chose. To me, and I hope this doesn't sound to brutal, it is time to choose your children so that this legacy of abusive entitlement isn't played forward generationally.
You are a grownup now. You are not a child to obey a parent's rules. You are responsible for your children now, not to an abusive mother.
Please don't accept POA for this woman. Allow the state to do her the honors.
My suggestion would be that you get some psychological counseling for yourself.
Your mother has had her life. She may have many years of life left, and they should be in her control. She will end where most who spew hatred end--in the paid care of decent people. If she refuses help then she refuses help.
You tell us that this woman spews hate upon you. YOU, who are RESPONSIBLE to FOUR CHILDREN, have allowed yourself to be injured by someone who spews hatred upon you.
THAT IS A CHOICE. And it's a very bad one indeed.
Others on AC feel that sympathy and support is what we on the Forum should provide. I myself think that often a good shaking will do more. People need to THINK about what they are doing. They need to UNDERSTAND they are responsible grownups.
Please. This is perhaps more than you can handle alone. Get counseling help for yourself before you harm both yourself and your family for someone intent on spewing hatred on this world.
Tears but you are right, I totally let this happen myself and need to work on and change some things with me and my involvement in the situation.
We don't live with her which is good, just not far from her home. My children have pretty limited time with Grandma right now. Lots going on in their own lives. And we lived far away for a long time. I will definitely be lessoning my involvement in her care and getting a job asap now. Thank you!
Especially if a parent elects to do a surgery but then NOT do the followups and recovery, I think should give you a good excuse to refuse to try to make up for it with your trying to lift her etc etc.
This could be a good opportunity for you to step away . I'm not sure the level of understanding or dementia of your mother from the description, but her not following doctors instructions after injury / surgery leading to more problems and then risk of injury to you in trying to lift/help her should be a reason to absolutely draw a line in the sand on that.
overinvolvement.
It doesn’t matter if it’s our mom, at some point, we must realize that we are equally as important as our moms. Our needs matter just as much as theirs.
Is this a limitation you've put on yourself or that a family member has put on you? Because you mention that she can barely walk or see, has selective hearing/memory, and hallucinations. She refuses to use her walker or follow doctors' advice, and she has a broken left arm. She can't sit by herself (I think you mean from standing position she can't sit down). I don't understand how or why she shouldn't go into a care facility immediately so that her needs are addressed by someone other than you.
If you quit, she goes. If you send her to the ER, and you refuse to be responsible for her, the hospital will find a placement for her. That would be the simplest way to get her out from under your care. Your children need you. A job is necessary. Putting your cranky, mean, rude, selfish, narcissistic, uncooperative, demented and very sick mother first isn't okay. EVER.
Life is full of tough choices, and this is one of them. I wish you luck in moving on from her cruelty to you (and that's what this is).
PS Don't bother to convo or argue with her. It doesn't work with dementia, and from what you tell us, that's almost certainly what's at play.
Thank you for your open responsiveness to us.
I hope you will remain on Forum and help others with all you learn as you go.
Thursday Mom's Surgeons office said he had recommended a Nursing Home for aftercare. But someone in our family refused it. Neither I or my Brother did. (Mom must have). Nothing they can do to change it now. Same with Primary Dr.
Friday a care facility Admissions director told me "If it were her Mom, she'd take her right now to ER and tell them she lives alone and it's not a safe place for her to recover." Said her Insurance should cover it. I told my Brother right away, he liked the idea. But Mom refused it "something sounds off about that" and he supported her desire to stay at home. She said to me "Did you get what you wanted? You can leave now".
Sunday my Brother called me to stay 1/2 day with her. I told him she had said I'm "verbally abusive", which concerns me. She won't tolerate any ideas, concerns or boundaries from me. So I've quit on voicing stuff.
Monday we met with at-home care company. Non-skilled care for $33/hr.
They're thinking about 4hrs/wk of that for now.
I'm still working on getting work and being way less available. I'll have to stick to my boundaries. She's been sweet as pie to everyone, and speaking very little to me.
It's too bad things are like this, and I feel bad for my Brother's confusion. But he'll have to see for himself and will hopefully respect my boundaries more and more.
Thanks to all of you, again I really do appreciate all the responses, shared experiences and tips!!
I know this stuff is unpleasant to hear, but in a way perhaps a good thing for now. Fine! step away for a bit....