What can I do for my sister that cares for my mother in another state far away? What can I do for my mother too since I am so far away?

My brother was great as he would call me and always start by asking how I was. Of course, I would go on about whatever was happening with mom. Having him focus on me was a show of respect and support. If I failed to answer, he would close by asking again how was I. The very few times that he needed to offer a suggestion he would let me know the background of his suggestion first. As an
example, he might say that his friend mentioned or he read, etc. When he did, though, he would close with the the phrase, ". . . but you are the one with boots on the ground so do what you think is best." I also never had to answer to him as to why I did or didn't do something; but the decisions I advised him about were always supported as being the correct ones. He visited mom as often as he could and took over her while he was visiting. By that I mean that he sat, walked, talked and entertained her while I sat back and visited. Good luck and God Bless.

Some nice suggestions, but what might make the most sense is to ask your sister what you can do to help, Ask her what she needs for supplies. Ask her what you can do to make some nice days for her!

If we just jump in or assume, it might not be what works best for your sister and mother. All too often siblings don't ask. Some relatives or friends give you the old 'call me if you need anything', but never help out. You could even make a list from the suggestions here and run those by her. Gift cards for a nice restaurant (include enough to have it delivered.) Gift cards for the places they shop most. If items need to be ordered, offer to take over the ordering (should be set up for online order & payment, you just take over keeping track and placing the orders.) Gift cards for mom and sis to buy something nice for themselves. Ask if there's anything that needs to be researched and offer to do it.

The 'lending an ear' offer might be great too. My brothers not only don't, but get nasty when I tried to explain and discuss. They have no clue (mom is in a facility, but there is still a lot to take care of - YB's take is "they do everything"...No, they don't!)

Revisit the offer to help now and then. Things change, more needs happen. It IS always nice to hear from a sibling who WANTS to help, even if they can't be there physically! Don't change!!

I'm well in my 60s and do go out in public , attend riots or night clubs and care for my mom in NJ. I am in PA. I buy what can't be delivered to mom in PA and I go no place but my moms house in NJ. and then back to my house in PA. I'm keeping us both safe( although we think we had it after a cruise in Feb) and others by not making contact. I live rurally... Mom doesn't leave her property.... We don't go to a hotel to quarantine.

Aren't you wonderful to think of participating in Mom's care!!
In order to make sure that sister doesn't think you are trying to take over, I would on my next regular call ask her what she needs assistance with. She may have bill paying down pat but she might appreciate an order of groceries of maybe you could pay to have a caregiver for a few extra hours so she could have an unplanned few hours off. And if you want extra brownie points, try thinking of something to do specially just for your sister. Facial or relaxing body message, favorite scented calendar whatever. You know her so surprise with something you know she'll just love.
Hugs and Blessings to you and yours!

I commend you for wanting to do something... So many do not. If I were asked... Walmart has delivery for $35+ So I would like a cam that feeds off the wifi and I can see Mom on my cell if I left to run errands.

I provide my parents with food pkgs such as Omaha Steaks. It helps with food planning as it is already prepped and ready to go. Also, another thing that I do is handle the online bill payments.

Call, call, call! Keep in touch with you Mom and sister. Send notes, cards, etc. I know my sibs appreciate my taking charge of Mom and they tell me often when I call them but just once I wish they would call me and ask what they can do.

I visit Mom several times a week and am her Care Advocate. But the first thing she asks is "have you talked to your sister lately?"

I lived 600 miles,away from my mom but I ordered gorceries for her online, gave instructions to her home attendants, kept in constant contact with her doctors, kept a current list of all her meds and important contact numbers, called her frequently and encouraged other friends and family members to call as well. I also shipped little "care packages " contaiing things she liked or needed that could save my brother who lived with her some trips to the store. I called him frequently too for support. I had the home attendants prepare meals and freeze them for days they were not there. Also, for the groceries, when ordering online, I got lots and had attendants freeze and prepare small portions. I told home attenda rd what my mom liked and didn't like...her favorite songs, tv shows, movies. Just to name a few things that might help you. Also, did her banking, Bill paying, Medicaid and Medicare paperwork..lots you can do long distance.

Imho, you should ask the caregiving sister what YOU can do for your mother.

Ask them what you can do to help. You don’t need to visit with them now during the pandemic but call them, FaceTime with them.

I take care of my mom( groceries, laundry and help with mail, garbage, repairing things - upkeep ). What I would love most is if my sister ( that lives in another state ) would call mom once or twice a week and let mom talk. She is so lonely since my dad passed and there are many days that I am the only voice she hears from. When my sister does call ( which is not often ) she cries about her life instead of trying to cheer mom up.

How about ordering delivery groceries for your mom or sister. Take over home delivery medications. Send a delivery dinner when you can. The paperwork can be very overwhelming for your sister so anything you can take over would be huge! Paying bills or dealing with insurance claims too. A listening ear is the most important. I would lose my mind if my sister did not want to hear about my challenges with mom. Thank you for being such a caring sister.

My answer is the same as notgoodenough. I am the primary caregiver and really appreciate a listening ear from both my siblings. You don’t realize just how important that is. They understand my mom (and me) better than anyone else. They offer assistance when they hear something that they can do. Offering to help with paperwork is also an excellent idea. Applications for free medications, VA benefits, etc takes an extraordinary amount of time and can be done remotely. Gifts like a massage or a housekeeper for your sister (big gift!) might be appreciated, but you know what your sibling likes. Put on your thinking cap, ask and listen are all good advice others offered.

As others say, you're wonderful to care! I would have given anything if my siblings would have simply thanked me on occasion or even just acknowledged all I was doing. Also, I would have loved for them to have acknowledged even if just a text my 60th birthday, or any holidays instead of completely being silent. What I would have wanted and appreciated more than anything else was stuff that wouldn't have cost a penny - just someone letting me know they cared about me and recognized all I was doing. Cheers to you.

What a great sibling you are to be asking this question. Aside from all these great answers I would also ask your sister what you could
help with. Also, tell her she’s doing a great job (seems like she is) LISTEN to her. She might tell you which service would be the most beneficial. Would cable help distract mom? Maybe your sister would like to go and get touchless pick-up food to get out of the house. Is she struggling with a situation in her own life, like a credit
card that was messed up or insurance issues that she can’t clear up because it
requires being on hold and mom might need her. Let her authorize you to handle them. Does she hate to drive? Give her some Uber credit. Use the money you would use to travel to hire respite help.

I'm going to not try to sound like a simpleton here...
I'm the sister taking care of mom. What I find helpful is just someone to gripe to, who grew up in the same household and understands all the same references, without judgment or "helpful suggestions " (which I find usually means even more work for the caregiver).
Have you asked your sister, directly, what she would find the most helpful?
By the way- I think if one of my sisters offered to take care of the finances, I might be a little put off ( especially my if it were my middle sister), my thoughts might go to "well, that's nice, they trust me to do all the dirty work taking care of mom, but they don't trust me with her money". Unless you're absolutely sure your sister won't have that sort of reaction, I don't know if I would make the offer of "taking over finances" without a whole lot of conversation first. I personally would not agree to the caregiving I'm doing if I had to ask one of my sisters for money every time mom needed something.

Hi Rosie, I'm in a similar situation. I usually go 2-3 times per year for 2-3 weeks each time to give relief to my sister, but haven't been since December. We also have outside care-givers most days. I do things that are time-consuming for her to deal with- handle their phone service & repairs, upgrades on internet, order supplies online, do research on new recommended products (sinus mist, bidet, hand rail etc), look up needed information and reviews. I also look for care-givers when needed, screen them online and then by phone, including their references. There are so many things that have to be done/seen on-site, so anything I can do from afar is a big help. I schedule family Zoom meetings once a week, Mom is getting more family time than ever and loves it! Anything you can do is supportive. Good luck.

Im going through the same situation, my dad and I are in Florida probably second to NY (where we are from, ironically). My brother lives in Atlanta.
Yes, they , Pam, gave great suggestions some of which I haven't thought of (thanks).
Another, big thing you can do is do any of the documentation work that you might need. You can check into Elder Options agencies and get a caregiver thru them or if in a military family go through the Veterans Administration. Also, make sure you have the living will, living surrogate provider. Have all the documents for if she needs to go into a facility. most want 6 months worth of bank statements and whatever assets she may have. Put some money on a safe deposit box bc you will need to have to lower the income in some instances and if you start now the better. If it's done before 3 or 6 months of entering the facility that's legal. You'll need to check with your state.
I also just found out that Hospice is a good resource and they offer in home care. I am going to look into that for my dad. Since, you can't see them towards the end of their journey bc of Covid I think that could be a great idea. You pay then thru contributions I believe.
Also, use facetime or whatever app you have on your phone so you all can see and talk to each other, it's wonderful. At the nursing home they use it. I am going to sign my dad out as he only went in for rehab.
My brother handles most of the documentation, calls, and I now have access to dads funds as well which was a heavy burden. Work together, that's the best thing. My brother didn't understand what I was going thru and I stopped talking to him for awhile. I was even going to have my minister call him (out of spite), when dad passed, but now I won't have to which is a great feeling.
You can send most anything in the virtual world these days even money and documents.
Also, you and your family should look into a caregiver training class. I took mine b4 the Covid but I think they went virtual too. It helped a lot and that's part of respite, can turn into a support group we had a great class.

I hope that helps, my dad is 95 so same generation.


Thanks you guys you've given me some ideas I never thought of.

Hiring a housekeeper to come in twice a month would take so much off your sister's plate.

Staying in touch via phone with your mom can also give your sister a break. Obviously mom has to be able to deal with phone conversations for this to work. If she can, find out from your sister when a half hour or longer phone call would be the best for her, then find entertaining things to tell your mom. My mom loves animals so I can watch funny utube videos and tell her about them, what does your mom love?

Does your sister enjoy a relaxing message? Maybe arrange one for her monthly while mom has paid caregivers.

What about ordering dinner and having it delivered at your expense once a week?

I want to tell you how much your efforts mean! Well done!

I live in AZ, sis in PA. Mom is in memory care (Dad passed last November). It took a little while (and some hurt feelings), but we finally settled on a “division of labor” of sorts. I handle all the health care, financial, and administrative management, and sis handles all the day to day visiting. Normally I go out once or twice a year and stay for one to two weeks; when I’m home I try to have phone visits with mom as often as my schedule and her dementia allow.
In addition to the types of delivery items mentioned, I’ve heard that ice cream is a good distraction for dementia patients and the elderly in general (barring any diabetes issues). I have a friend who has arranged for a milkshake delivery via Door Dash for her father. Your mother and sister might enjoy a treat like that together.
And I just want to say how wonderful it is that you are looking for ways to support your sister and mother through all of this. They are blessed to have you. Wishing you all peace and strength during this time.

Are there some things you could do remotely, such as doing the "homework" on financial issues (or bookkeeping), or using the internet to look up sources of help for them, such as answering questions about dealing with potential "what ifs?" or even whether businesses that would be helpful to them are open, and if so, what the requirements, hours and contact information are? All small tasks take some time, so the more of these you can handle, the less work your sister will have to do.

Taking the initiative to ask on this forum is one thing to your credit already!

I won't tell the gov if you go. Then again, NY looks like it is a state of ex-hall monitors.

Sorry you can't see your mother or your sister right now.

Pamz gave great ideas. There may be laundry services that pick up and deliver, too, that you could arrange if they might like and are ok with that. If you can afford to pay for that, it may help, too. Even if you only do the arranging and/or finding, not the paying, that alleviates your sister finding help or doing it herself. Anything you can do to help arrange things, etc., find whatever either needs, ordering those to be delivered would help whether you're paying or they are.

If you can't go and give some respite,, can you send your Sister some money? to pay a housecleaner? or get some delivered food for some meals? Just to give her a break? Maybe gift certs to places they like to eat.. We had the best time ordering from Red Lobster delivery recently.. We got it delivered and set the table up nicely. It was a nice break! I know it sounds small, but we really enjoyed it!