What can I do for my sister that cares for my mother in another state far away? What can I do for my mother too since I am so far away?

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What can I do for my sister that cares for my mother in another state far away? What can I do for my mother too since I am so far away?

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My younger sister is retired and takes care of my mother and I would love some suggestions what I can do for my sister and my mother since I live in another state. My mother pays for someone to come in at least 3 times a week to care for her. They live in New York State and the governor isn't allowing people from our state to visit unless we quarantine for 14 days, and we cannot afford to pay for a hotel that long. Thank you for any kind suggestions.

Family Caregiver Long-distance Caregiving Mom

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I'm going to not try to sound like a simpleton here...
I'm the sister taking care of mom. What I find helpful is just someone to gripe to, who grew up in the same household and understands all the same references, without judgment or "helpful suggestions " (which I find usually means even more work for the caregiver).
Have you asked your sister, directly, what she would find the most helpful?
By the way- I think if one of my sisters offered to take care of the finances, I might be a little put off ( especially my if it were my middle sister), my thoughts might go to "well, that's nice, they trust me to do all the dirty work taking care of mom, but they don't trust me with her money". Unless you're absolutely sure your sister won't have that sort of reaction, I don't know if I would make the offer of "taking over finances" without a whole lot of conversation first. I personally would not agree to the caregiving I'm doing if I had to ask one of my sisters for money every time mom needed something.

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The “someone to gripe with” without them having to “step in and solve” would be invaluable. You’re right.

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As others say, you're wonderful to care! I would have given anything if my siblings would have simply thanked me on occasion or even just acknowledged all I was doing. Also, I would have loved for them to have acknowledged even if just a text my 60th birthday, or any holidays instead of completely being silent. What I would have wanted and appreciated more than anything else was stuff that wouldn't have cost a penny - just someone letting me know they cared about me and recognized all I was doing. Cheers to you.

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If you can't go and give some respite,, can you send your Sister some money? to pay a housecleaner? or get some delivered food for some meals? Just to give her a break? Maybe gift certs to places they like to eat.. We had the best time ordering from Red Lobster delivery recently.. We got it delivered and set the table up nicely. It was a nice break! I know it sounds small, but we really enjoyed it!

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My answer is the same as notgoodenough. I am the primary caregiver and really appreciate a listening ear from both my siblings. You don’t realize just how important that is. They understand my mom (and me) better than anyone else. They offer assistance when they hear something that they can do. Offering to help with paperwork is also an excellent idea. Applications for free medications, VA benefits, etc takes an extraordinary amount of time and can be done remotely. Gifts like a massage or a housekeeper for your sister (big gift!) might be appreciated, but you know what your sibling likes. Put on your thinking cap, ask and listen are all good advice others offered.

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Are there some things you could do remotely, such as doing the "homework" on financial issues (or bookkeeping), or using the internet to look up sources of help for them, such as answering questions about dealing with potential "what ifs?" or even whether businesses that would be helpful to them are open, and if so, what the requirements, hours and contact information are? All small tasks take some time, so the more of these you can handle, the less work your sister will have to do.

Taking the initiative to ask on this forum is one thing to your credit already!

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Great ideas! My 4 siblings are all far away and the hands-on business of caregiving is very time consuming. But research projects and other paperwork can easily be done remotely and are a big help.
This is what I have help with now from them: pre-planning both parents' funerals, applying for burial at the local National Cemetary (for veterans), researching tax and medicare implications of a non-agency caregiver, selling Dad's car, closing extra credit card accounts, checking credit scores at the 3 credit score companies and looking into anything weird, looking for and interviewing, via zoom, an additional caregiver, face timing every day with Mom, but telling about their day, not asking about Dad. (If Mom had to tell that update 4 times a day she'd be even more exhausted).
Each of my siblings also encourages their own children and grandchildren to sent a card or drawing to Gramma and Grampa in the mail regularly. These bring so much joy to my Mom, much more than a Facebook post.

Best of luck to you.

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How about ordering delivery groceries for your mom or sister. Take over home delivery medications. Send a delivery dinner when you can. The paperwork can be very overwhelming for your sister so anything you can take over would be huge! Paying bills or dealing with insurance claims too. A listening ear is the most important. I would lose my mind if my sister did not want to hear about my challenges with mom. Thank you for being such a caring sister.

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I asked my sister once to research and help select a medical alert service. She did a Google search and sent me a screen shot of the page!

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I take care of my mom( groceries, laundry and help with mail, garbage, repairing things - upkeep ). What I would love most is if my sister ( that lives in another state ) would call mom once or twice a week and let mom talk. She is so lonely since my dad passed and there are many days that I am the only voice she hears from. When my sister does call ( which is not often ) she cries about her life instead of trying to cheer mom up.

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I live in AZ, sis in PA. Mom is in memory care (Dad passed last November). It took a little while (and some hurt feelings), but we finally settled on a “division of labor” of sorts. I handle all the health care, financial, and administrative management, and sis handles all the day to day visiting. Normally I go out once or twice a year and stay for one to two weeks; when I’m home I try to have phone visits with mom as often as my schedule and her dementia allow.
In addition to the types of delivery items mentioned, I’ve heard that ice cream is a good distraction for dementia patients and the elderly in general (barring any diabetes issues). I have a friend who has arranged for a milkshake delivery via Door Dash for her father. Your mother and sister might enjoy a treat like that together.
And I just want to say how wonderful it is that you are looking for ways to support your sister and mother through all of this. They are blessed to have you. Wishing you all peace and strength during this time.

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Door dash milkshake delivery, brilliant!

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Hi Rosie, I'm in a similar situation. I usually go 2-3 times per year for 2-3 weeks each time to give relief to my sister, but haven't been since December. We also have outside care-givers most days. I do things that are time-consuming for her to deal with- handle their phone service & repairs, upgrades on internet, order supplies online, do research on new recommended products (sinus mist, bidet, hand rail etc), look up needed information and reviews. I also look for care-givers when needed, screen them online and then by phone, including their references. There are so many things that have to be done/seen on-site, so anything I can do from afar is a big help. I schedule family Zoom meetings once a week, Mom is getting more family time than ever and loves it! Anything you can do is supportive. Good luck.

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Imho, you should ask the caregiving sister what YOU can do for your mother.

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What can I do for my sister that cares for my mother in another state far away? What can I do for my mother too since I am so far away?

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