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My father and mother were abusive parents. Mom has passed away and now my 87 year old father has moved to the town where me and my sons live. I have moved in with him and my grandsons who he has never met (because he and my mother never wanted them over to their house) came to visit and he has done nothing but yell at them for nothing and says really awful things to them...Example: "Get out of here....just shut up...just shut up..I don't want to hear you!" He is brutal! The boys even though they didn't know him at all called him grandpa and tried to say goodnight and I love you at their bedtime...he never once has said he loves them back...is a cold fish! I get it....he is an a**hole. I will never have the boys around him again. But he has attacked me numerous times verbally..he drinks about 5 beers a day and has been drinking scotch as well. He is on coumadin also... everything I say to him all I get is the answer..."bullsh*t" and he is saying horrible things to me. As a father he would beat on me anytime my mom asked without question. He saw my mother hit me with numerous things and allowed it to happen...the worst beating I got was the day I came down with Rubella and was very sick. He had been quite nice to my youngest son and I as we moved ALL his belongings after my mom passed and it seemed tolerable until my grandsons (9 and 6) came to visit me this summer. He has acted like a complete troll!!! Constantly muttering rotten things under his breath to everyone and has literally yelled terrible things at my grandsons over and over. I have told him if he chooses to treat us this way he can be alone and find someone else to live here and help him out. He is not ill and does not need personal care. He just wanted us to take care of things because he can't do the things he used to to do. I still have to work and I get on very well with my sons and grandsons...I have not carried on this tradition of abuse in my family and take a big offense to him trying to keep it going. Is there a place to get some sort of help as to how to handle this? He drinks more and more all the time. He started drinking again when my mom became ill. He obviously has a problem and I told him he needs to stop but he gets very defensive and rude.

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Kitty, I'm so sorry that you feel that some of the responses are judgemental.

I'm not sure what kind of counseling (for you) would help you cope with abuse. The usual advice to folks who are being abused is to leave.

For counseling for your dad to work, he'd have to want to change.

Would he go see a geriatric Psychiatrist and accept meds for the depression/anxiety that he's self medicating for?
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Alcohol use is becoming a problem among Seniors. Maybe because they no longer work and if that is what defined them, they no longer have it. That's all my Dad did from the time he was 12 raised during the Depression and WWII. He delivered newspapers, worked our local Amusement Park, then the Ferries and once the Bridge was built he worked in a Powder Plant for 30+ years. When it closed down he was put on Disability for his heart. He had no hobbies and believe me had no talent for anything like fooling with cars or building stuff. He just sat and drank coffee and bugged my Mom. This may be your Dads problem and alcohol will make some people mean.
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I don't know how you do it. My father didn't drink but he did have a problem with that "fine line" between kidding and getting verbally abusive. He was a good man but...he had his moments. He had heart problems and diabetes and as he got older her could be abusive. But he didn't hollar or scream. Just made his "little" comments. If Mom had gone first, he wouldn't have lived with me because he knew how to push my buttons.

Sorry that some have come off judgemental. That is not what we are here for. Since you feel that Dad can do for himself pretty much and only needs a minimum of help, maybe you should consider moving out. Then just come and do what needs to be done. It's really not fair to your grandchildren to be around his abuse, not your or your sons. As a friend used to say to her son...its unacceptable. NO ONE should have to listen or be abused. There are services out there. Meals on Wheels. If he can afford it, pay someone to come in and make him his meals and clean. Sometimes people like your Dad are nicer to strangers than their own. Call your Office of Aging. They should have a list of resources.
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Try attended Al-Anon I think that is what they call the support for family of alcoholics. I would not bring my grandsons into that situation... Maybe go visit at their home or take them on a trip instead? Not sure what would work for you. Sorry you felt some of the answers were negative. People offer what they see as an out side perspective. Sometimes that helps us to put things into perspective.
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I was looking for some suggestions on how to deal. Maybe if there was counseling of some kind for this situation. My five sons are grown and my grandsons were visiting for a few weeks this summer. My plan to live and help out with caring for the house etc was discussed after my mom's passing. I was not looking for judgement and assumptions. Thanks for the one decent response... but the judgemental responses can keep yours to yourself. Thanks for the negative feedback.
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Your parents were abusive, yet you moved in with your father. Is there some reason why you did this? What were your expectations?

It's time to find a place for you and your sons. Get out of that house. And remember that you are legally responsible for your sons so you need to find a safe place for you and them, unless you want Children's Service knocking at your door.
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Five beers a day+ means that he is an alcoholic and you being there means you are enabling him. He had not yet hit rock bottom so APS may be limited until he wants help. I duggest you leave him to his own devices until he is ready
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When you say your father moved to your home town and you and your sons moved in with him, you make it sound as though none of this was your idea.

What was the plan, actually, when this took place? Because I wonder if what has happened is that you and your father had a good idea of how to combine your households and support him in later life, but as it turns out that idea is not working. In which case you are free to rethink it.
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Dear Kittyeyes,

I'm very for all your pain and sorrow. I know you are trying to do the right thing for your dad. I'm sorry he doesn't seem to appreciate you and your efforts. Please don't do this to yourself or to your sons or grandsons. It sounds like he needs more care than you can provide. For your own well being please call the town office. Ask for Adult Protective Services or the Seniors department. A social worker should organize his care. They will decide if he needs assisted living or a nursing home. For yourself, if you want to consider counselling or a support group. Please know you are not alone and there is help in the community and through church. Thinking of you.
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