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My sister and I were raised by a single mother who was very physically, mentally and verbally abusive. My mother was resentful over the fact that she was very young, beautiful and ambitious, and our father had walked out and left her with two little girls to raise alone. He had new relationships, other marriages and other children, but provided nothing emotionally or financially for my sister and me. She wanted the freedom to go to college, date and live her life free from the burden of two little girls. She was gone most of the time and left my sister, who was a very young child, with the responsibility of caring for herself, the home and her younger sister (Me) during her constant absence. Instead of protecting these two little girls who were trying to care for and fend for themselves, a number of adults used this as an opportunity to sexually molest us. My sister became a very hurt, angry and rebellious child and directed much of her pain and bitterness toward me. She was very verbally abusive and EXTREMELY physically abusive toward me. Because of the neglect and abuse from all sides, I became a very frightened, timid, maladjusted and overall awkward child. In school, my sister was always thought of as the smart, clean, pretty one. I was the dirty, dumb and backward one who couldn't get it together, no matter what. The real problem was that the one who was suppose to be nurturing, teaching and taking care of me (Mom) was MIA most of the time. She was seldom there to cook meals, help with homework, baths or general supervision. As a result , I suffered horribly in all of these areas and many others.
My mother finally achieved her hard sought after college degree and got a teaching job. However, instead of then turning her attentions to her terrible neglected and abused little girls, she turned her attentions to romances with a number of married men and a litany of other bad decisions and choices. After being badly used financially by one of them and being left deeply in debt and deeply depressed, she embarked on a course of failed suicide attempts. She completely derailed her life and almost finished derailing mine and my sister's life. Being the smarter one, my sister was able to escape this horrible situation, went to college, became successful. She has seldom looked back and refuses to help our mother in any way.
FAST FORWARD FORTY YEARS
My mother is now mid-eighties and has been physically and mentally disabled since her final suicide attempt in 1970. She does not own a home and has no pension. SSI and Social Security is her only income. She lives in government subsidized housing and has been threatened with eviction due to extreme hoarding and filth in her apartment. I have remained in the picture trying to be of service and to keep her from being completely mistreated and exploited. I have gone above and beyond to help her. She has been extremely ungrateful, uncooperative, obstinate and nasty toward me. And it gets worse with each passing day. She seems to have some unfounded sense of entitlement and although she really has NOTHING, has maintained the same selfish arrogance she demonstrated when we were children.
While the former managers of her senior community where she lives had overlooked the hoarding and filthy living conditions inside her apartment, the New Management will not. The eviction process has already begun. The only alternative at this point is to try and find some kind of assisted living arrangement for her. She has rejected this straight out. She say she will not go to a nursing home or an assisted living facility under any circumstance. She says no one can make her go. When asked where she intends to go or what she intends to do, she refuses to answer.
At this point, my mother has three children and seven living brothers and sisters. None of them will help her or touch this situation in any way. I feel completely backed into a corner because of my efforts to be of service to her all of these years. She has not cooperated with me in my attempts to get her help inside her apartment. She refuses these services and has sabotaged all efforts to find alternative facilities. I think she plans to get evicted and force her way into my home.
After years of neglect and abuse as a child, due to her selfishness and arrogance, I was the one left in the home with her. My sister had finally extricated herself from this horrendous situation. Still being a minor, I was left there to witness mom's nervous breakdown. I found her when she overdosed on tranquilizers and had to be rushed to the ER. Two weeks later I was awakened from a sound sleep at two-thirty a.m. and found her with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest.
My life has been a living hell because of this woman. Now she expects me to bring her into my home and live with her filth, hoarding and nasty attitude. If she rejects any notion of an assisted living or nursing home if one can be found. WHAT DO I DO ?

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Under no circumstances take this woman into your home. Apart from being your biological mother, she is one of your abusers. Let the state deal with her. Tell your story to social services and let the state take over.
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You can not be forced to take her; call senior services, tell them she needs a social worker and get the hell out of dodge.
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"I have remained in the picture trying to be of service and to keep her from being completely mistreated and exploited."

WHY?? Why would you enable this hideous behavior?

"call senior services, tell them she needs a social worker and get the hell out of dodge."
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I don't understand what you're asking. Are you seriously considering letting her live with you? Her demands for you to do what she wants are no different from a toddler having a tantrum and demanding what they want. You are an adult. Make an adult decision.
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And if she turns up on your doorstep in the middle of a blizzard, don't let her in. Call 911 and report her as "a old woman outside." When she insists she's your mother and lives there, keep saying, she does not. she is trespassing.
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No one can force her into your home - only you out of a very misplaced sense of guilt or obligation "call senior services, tell them she needs a social worker and get the hell out of dodge."
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What everyone else said. You have no obligation.

The State can force her into a psychiatric hospital, where she will get the treatment that she needs. If you so desire, you can visit her there once she's properly medicated and kept from harming herself and others further.
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I just want to give you a huge hug and shoutout for how well you've turned out in spite of your horrific childhood. You are obviously very well spoken and your writing is excellent. On top of that, you still have compassion and a very big heart. So I admire your tenacity and resilience. Not many people would have survived as well as you obviously have.

That said, I agree with everyone else. Take care of yourself. Contact the authorities about your mom and let them handle her. Do NOT let her move in with you under any circumstances. You don't owe her a thing. You deserve happiness apart from your very dysfunctional family. Huge, huge, hugs for you. It's time to have some happiness in your life.
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She has already demonstrated she is a danger to herself and others by her suicide attempts and being in procession of a gun.
Don't wait till she is actually evicted start the ball rolling NOW, if not today first thing in the morning. As Meallen suggests call the police if she turns up and tell them theres a homeless elderly person trying to force her way into your home and will they please remove her and take her to a shelter. Change the locks on the house and secure all windows. if she manages to break in lock yourself in a room while you call the police. Plan this out before she turns up.
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I am SO sorry your life has been HELL! This should not happen to anyone, let alone 2 little girls. Your mother is and has been mentally ill. Your father is a horrible man who wouldn't support or visit his children. I don't know HOW you sound so together. May God bless the rest of your life.

You should NOT be involved with your mother. She's told you she wants nothing to do with you so why are you feeling that you need to "save" her? This woman needs psychiatric help. You can get that started by calling APS (Adult Protective Services).
She will be assessed and probably placed in a psych facility.

DO NOT--DO NOT--DO NOT take her into your home. Your "hell" will start all over again.

Have you ever heard of FOG? (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) I believe you are suffering from this.
Fear-You are fearful that she will be on the street or worse. Maybe that you will wind up with her. It is motivating you to make bad choices (being with her and trying to help her).

Obligation-you are feeling obligated to help her because no one else will and because she's your mother, (even though she never gave you the time of day). You owe her nothing.

Guilt-you're feeling guilty to abandon her (if she'll be out on the street). Also, guilty that NO ONE will have anything to do with her. You do NOT have to be her savior.

I'm not saying to do to her as she did to you. On the contrary, you need to take care of yourself by not being around a toxic person. And you need to help her by letting the county or state take care of her. She won't let you assist her and her mental illness is like venom to you.

For your own mental health, stay away like your sister and other sibling have done.
You need to start a new life without the baggage of your mentally sick mother.

I'm sorry you have "lost" both your parents. But you sound like a survivor. When your mother is taken by APS to a facility, you will have your life to yourself. I would suggest you not see her. She is irrational and it doesn't sound like it will help her or you.

Make the most of your new life. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself and love yourself. Surround yourself with friends and pets. The past should stay in the past.
Come back here to talk to us, talk to your pastor or a best friend. It's time you are liberated.
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