My husband and I have POA for both parents financial and medical, our father is 91 and his wife 88 with dementia and failing quickly. We are full caretakers we bring them meals, we go to all dr. appts, I do all banking and bill paying. I have taken and belong to Memory Matters, taken classes at 5 county, and belong to support groups and know the importance of last wishes legally documenting what care they want for each of them when one passes or can't make the decisions. Our father knew the importance and told us what he wanted but not the other son. I set up the appt. at the attorney and an hr before the other son and my husband were asked to meet at his house. My father stated what he wanted, no family or friends or distant family would move in, both their wishes are she was to remain at home and a caretaker hired to live in the home, and the other son was angered, said he won't do that it costs to much, yelled I am moving in no one else, there's not enough money, argued threw up all kinds of horrible things, the discussion had to end because they were late to the attorney and my father assumed he took the lead and what he wants will be done. The sons said nothing my spouse was in shock saying to himself I'm done. father told the attorney his wish for her care, wants it drawn up and it was supposed to be my husband and I the guardian only. Well father could not choose one son over the other so he stated 50/50 the sons will have to figure it our together after he is gone thinking what his request is will be carried out?? how can it? they will never be able to sit in the same room let alone come to agree what her care will be?? I have heard the nightmares of family wishes being a total legal issue and our father doesn't have a clue what he has created, he is so manipulated and intimidated by the other son and doesn't want to offend him or take sides even though he knows we would do exactly what his wishes are and trusts us that we would. The son has stolen from them thousand and thousands of dollars from their business, opened fraudulent accounts which I currently am trying to clear up, there is not one honest bone in his entire being, but yet how can we uphold what he wants??? would our power attorney take over for us in our behalf for removing the son or not allowing anyone else? how can we protect our mom from others taking advantage of her?? there is no question of who would take better care of her but what can we do and how can we get through to our dad he can not put 2 sons together to fight it out, I don't think our father knows what this will create just that he's copping out the easy way and not making a choice because he knows the other son will hound and yell and scream at them to get what he wants. the son said if mom would just eat better her memory will come back, he mocks her, teases her, he knows and cares nothing about anything but what he can get for himself and that he is the one in control with the final say. Our dad cowers down as soon as he started yelling and my husband tried to put him in his place but didn't get anywhere, the meeting happened at the attorney, my husband kept quiet because he was angered and when they got to the car our dad said ,how happy he was that he got that husband said no dad its not done this is not going to work. I can't be in charge of finances and paying the bills and being responsible for our mom if the other brother will cause me nothing but legal issues when her memory fails even further, right now he tells her a bill is going to collections and she needs to pay it she will get ahold of dads credit card and pay it when its his own bill he gets her to believe anything and she doesn't question anything and our father is getting the same way the other son controls him because he can't comprehend what's being done.
give me some suggestions please, we only have a couple days to have another calm talk clarifying to our dad the importance of choosing only us

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If Dad's mind is sharp, he's being very seriously intimidated and hoodwinked by one of his children. If the intimidation is not so bad that it would really sway him, then Dad's mind cannot be working any too well.

Either way, you have a vulnerable adult at risk from an exploitative and verbally and emotionally abusive child who himself states that his priority in planning care is financial gain.

I should go back to the attorney, explain that this is becoming a hideous train wreck, and ask for new ideas. It sounds as if a guardianship application might not get very far, not yet, but I'd certainly explore it. Main thing is to get brother out of everyone's hair - ask if any form of Protection Order could help.
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Reply to Countrymouse

Perhaps harsh, but I would explain to Dad that a 50/50 arrangement will not work period. I would also be clear that you understand that he wants Mum to stay at home, but there may come a time that it is not possible to meet her medical needs at home. There has to be a contingency in place to allow for either of them to go into a home. Unless they have great wealth and can pay for 24/7 care and to have private professionals come to the home.

Locally there was a man who had incredible wealth and he wanted to stay in his home (Mansion). He could afford to pay for 24/7 care, as well as other professionals such as Physio therapists to come to his home. He could pay for all the necessary medical equipment.
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Reply to Tothill

One good way out of this would be for FIL to make a will leaving his estate equally between sons (that might make him happy), give your DH the POA, and also make a care agreement with you for payment for what you do. BIL gets half of what is eventually left. It might help FIL to feel that’s it’s all fair. If FIL is OK with it, BIL can go jump. But DH needs to face any argument, not say nothing and then object after the row.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

Dad’s mind is sharp and he is thinking clearly? If so, you and your husband need to sit down with him and honestly tell him that his wishes are creating a maelstrom. His wishes are wreaking havoc with this whole situation. It sounds like the entire meeting with the attorney was pretty much a waste of time. Leaving the sons to fight it out is detrimental to everyone involved. Not only that, but it’s cruel and unusual punishment and very unfair to you considering all the responsibility you have for Dad and his wife. Granted, you do have POA, but that does not go into effect until Dad is determined to be incompetent. Right now, Dad is still running the show.

Sit Dad down and tell him if he wants his wishes carried out, he’s going to have to pick a son and only one son, to run the show. If he refuses, gather up all his financial papers and records you’ve been keeping, hand them back to him and wish him luck having his other son in charge because you want none of it.
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Reply to Ahmijoy

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