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I am not a caregiver in this case. I am a concerned and frustrated neighbor. I live in Philadelphia in a connected home. My neighbor is about 80 y/o. She is a hoarder and I suspect she has dementia. She wails loudly all night long and it is affecting our sleep. Sometimes, late at night she sits on our attached porch, half-dressed, with urine running down the sidewalk.


I used to feel compassion but she has been so mean and verbally abusive to us that most compassion is gone.


She has standing water in her backyard that she willfully refuses to dump, and we are now seeing cockroaches in our home. She has a leaking roof which also affects the entire row of homes. She hates us and won’t allow us on her property to fix some damage on our home, caused by her neglect, which is causing one of our interior walls to disintegrate.


She he has a daughter and son who want nothing to do with her. The neighbors and I have called the Philadelphia Corporation for Aging, the police, the fire department and Licenses and Inspections and they won’t do anything. Some say they cannot enter her home. She is quite canny and lucid during the day and will make it sound like she is a pillar of society and that we are filled with hate and anger at this poor old woman.


We can’t even consider moving until we are able to fix our home.


It is 3am and I am at my wits end at the wailing and moaning. Thanks for letting me vent about this woman with grown children who won’t get her the help she needs.

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So at 3 am when she is wailing call police for a welfare check on neighbor and this seems like a case of neglect for a social worker.
Sometime older children cannot get anything done for an aging parent that seems “ sharp as a tack” per their doctor during the day and hateful and manic at night.
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I am the oldest daughter who lives 10 hours away. I am not a core giver either but my sister and brother who live closest to mom are. For close to a year mom was able to to maintain a bit of a charade to cover the disease. For months my siblings took her to specialist drs researches any programs available through the county and where they live in PA if the patient dies not want the services the county will not provide. The Katie t has to say”I want and need these services “. Moms dementia has destroyed her finances her home will go into foreclosure and her car has been turned into finance company which took full advantage of her and was worse than dealing with a loan shark. Mom injured her foot along time ago and when she was taken to dr she repeatedly said she had no pain when she could not get up one morning from the pain she was taken by ambulance to hospital and had a stay that could have been in and out. The dr finally saw what the family saw. She had a ruptured tendon and is incapable of following the care needed as well as incapable of daily hygiene and taking her meds She is now in skilled nursing and despite being physically strong now she will not be able to return home. My point is no one from outside can truly know what the family is doing or going through. Their mood swings and everything else is all the disease.
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Each state has different laws, but in Texas, it is very hard to take away a parent's rights. Dad is 4 years into dimentia and still refuses to allow us to help him. He feels threatened by us and becomes angry and irate. He will walk out of the house and wander the neighborhood. My brother who lives next door does not want to take legal action to obtain power of attorney, so I am praying one of the neighbors will get fed up enough to call Adult Protective Services. The State will not revoke his license, even though he failed the driving evaluation. They just restricted it. 2 weeks ago he got lost driving around and eventually made his way home. There has to be a better solution to this problem, but I'm not sure what it is. I pray he does not harm or kill anyone. The stress is beyond anything I've ever experienced.
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plum9195 Aug 2019
Why wait for a neighbor to call? You call. I called APS about my FIL and sent a letter to the DMV. Because when he ended up hurting someone or getting hurt himself I want to know I had done all I could to stop the train wreck, and that I could live with myself ethically.
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You should call area on aging and and REUEST a wellness check. Document everything so you can back-up the request. You fear for her safety and document why. If she is keeping you up at night, you record it and call the police and report that . The lawyer is your last straw, at least you will have documented everything. She sounds like she is suffering from dimenetia. She should not be by herself. What worries me is her setting the house on fire!
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I live outside of Philadelphia, and am sorry you are going through this. In a city this big, cops are too busy fighting crimes and don't pay attention to these kind of situations like they would in Bucks or Delaware County. Also people get away with a lot of bad behaviors. I agree with the advice to call 911 and say she sounds like she is hurt, send ambulance. If EMS has to go in, maybe they will take her to er for evaluation. Department of aging may be able to send a social worker to check her out. The meanness is probably dementia or mental illness, incontinence too. The house must be a disgrace. I would go the route of saying she is incapable of living alone. Get ahold of her kids and tell them about the damage to your house.Good luck. Sadly when houses are attached, the common walls get damaged. Not fair to you.
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Have you thought about consulting a lawyer? I don’t know what the nuisance laws are where you live, but it sounds as if she’s at the very least costing you money if what she does is damaging your property. Let the “pillar of society” show up in public court and defend her actions. In the meantime, I would document everything she does.
Ive been blessed with good neighbors but it really is luck of the draw.
My mom was very much bothered by noisy neighbors, and a white noise machine helped her get some sleep at night. It might help you in the meantime.
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You'll have to get this on record (filmography) to be able to re=report this to the proper authorities.
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Half dressed with urine running down the sidewalk? Call and call and film,, send the films to her kids if you can. This is public nudity at the least.. She needs help, and if not her kids, then the local services. Don't worry about being mean,, just do it.
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Kareping224 Aug 2019
To clarify, the nudity was observed by her other next door neighbors once as she was sitting on her porch. I think if she ran down the street in that condition, it would have attracted more attention. The urine however, might happen more often.

Also, the keening is sporadic. 2-3 episodes a week.

We have worked with a lawyer. Next step is to talk to the daughter.
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DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT & THEN DOCUMENT EVEN MORE - do videos, get all evidence you can etc - back it up with calling the police so you can use their documents too then go to the courts to get a restraining order that she is not to be within 75 feet of you so she has to leave! -

She should be responsible for all the damage to your homes so have that part of court action too - if necessary you might have to front the money yourself then put a lien on her place so that when it is sold you are re-imbursed & don't forget to add interest - you can charge to fix your items to level they were before the damage occurred but up-grades you pay yourself however if a wall needs painting after repairs then all the walls' paint will be included ... common sense but also document all of this too

I too had a bad neighbour but he was a few doors down - another neighbour & I sent him a letter that if he didn't stop his harassment then we would get a restraining order [because we had lots of documentation] but after it was in our hot little hands we would go next to the newspaper & place a notice in 'legal notice' section because he likes to think he is a pillar of the community - he sold his house & moved away - much joy & gratefulness here
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She obviously is mentally "gone" and perhaps due to her personality and behavior anyone who could help is done with her because of her attitude and refusal to cooperate. I don't blame them but you can't have this. Each time something goes on during the night, contact the police for help. Contact the local Office on Aging which is there to handle problems for seniors - talk to a Social Worker in the local hospital. Also go to your state senators and representatives who, I believe, have the power to step in and help. One thing, each time you see something, YOU MUST DOCUMENT THE DATA WITH DATE, TIME, WHO, WHAT, ETC. You may need this one day to show incompetency. This is sick and disgusting and you should not have to put up with it. Another thing you could consider is contacting the local newspaper and local television station. Based on my own experiences where a friend was constantly being tormented by neighbors, I got her story into the media and wow, she was l00% safe and left alone after that. Ask questions from your doctor for ideas. This can be fixed but it will take some time and effort to get her removed and the home condemmed. Also contact the mayor's office and town hall. Someone has to know how to fix this. This cannot continue. Also, can you enlist the aid of neighbors. Sometimes when people go as a group, more things get done. Also, see if you can find an attorney to give you a free consultation as to your options. Don't wait.
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Intherecliner Aug 2019
"Another thing you could consider is contacting the local newspaper and local television station."

Don't contact public media.

We're talking about a vulnerable and helpless individual so she needs a doctor and not a reporter.

Even if you do call the news, you should have them keep you and the neighbor lady anonymous and have them cover this topic to provide education to the general public.

Call DHS or emergency services so the neighbor can be hospitalized.

The last time I was mad enough to go public with someone's name and face, I had been scammed out of thousands of dollars by someone sly and cunning and I had been told they were "nice."

I think demented people fall in a category where they have a right to privacy.
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Call police every night that she disturbs your sleep, threatens you, or is on your property being a nuisance. Talk to your elected representative and housing code enforcement about the roaches and the property damage that is impacting your property. Adult protective services is a good idea, but realize that they are usually swamped with cases to follow up on.

Make a case that she is a threat to herself and others - every single time. Every state has laws to have people involuntarily committed when they are a threat to themselves or others.

Praying that she gets the help she needs.
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Have you called the codes department?
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Thank you all again for your insights.
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Its a tough situation if her family is neglecting her maybe its for a reason she's probably had mental issues all their life and maybe alcholic that could be involved ....because we had a neighbor family exactly like this unbelievably the same and the Mother was a. TERRIBLE alcoholic during the day she was all good normal 100% with it during the day and smart knew what was going on in the world see there is a list of questions the police or EMT workers ask and if the elderly person can answer correctly they are considered able to care for themselves and have the right to live on filth and stay up all night bellowing and peeing on them selves!!! Even though the kids tried and tried to get help it did not work !! So maybe the kids did try and just gave up ...you are stuck between a rock and a hard place try calling the health department maybe they will condemn the place ....
Then shell have to move or straighten up her life ....there are elderly care lines you can call but its not like her kids are hurting her maybe they CAN'T do anything just yet because she's still with it just enough ......
.
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When it's 3AM and her behavior's is disturbingly whacko... call the police and or 5150. After awhile, and I've been caregiving long enough for burnout... we must turn our compassion to the care-giver, or in your case the incidental victim of an impaired individual. Like a dog being potty trained... you've got to take to corrective action at the time of this disruptive action. Especially with the filth building... stay on those services that are supposed to help.
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Please contact your local senior services that deal with someone who is in need of care. Her meanness could be a result of her illness, so if you can, please try compassion instead of hate and annoyance. She needs help and if her kids won't address it, then social services needs to step in and help her. Thanks for caring enough to write in.
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Adult protective services- they MUST come out and investigate within a certain time period. It is unannounced. Unfortunately, the laws state that people have a right to live independently even if they make poor decisions. Your recourse is to press charges if she’s breaking the law. And you’re right, Philadelphia Police don’t often get involved in this stuff unless a gun is involved and shots are fired. It’s simply just “neighbors arguing” and “disturbing the peace”.... I totally get it. No matter how UNsafe this lady is, unless she’s breaking the law, they don’t come.
Send your video to Fox29... call the Northeast Times, have other neighbors on the block call.... especially if there’s a half - naked woman urinating in public on your street!
Your quality of life is compromised. I’d talk to her kids and see if they have a plan. Ask them for a meeting. Tell them your concerns. They might agree completely with you and the other neighbors. They might feel
as if their hands are tied as well.
I wish you the best!
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Intherecliner Aug 2019
If the police in your area ignore your request for help, then maybe the ambulance is a better choice since she needs medical care.
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Oh my gosh do I feel for you as anyone who loses sleep...it just catches up with you. No pillar of society is going to be able to deny evidence in pictures or video. Please keep a diary/log, and in the meantime PLEASE contact your local city people as she is no doubt creating health violations (Board of Health) with standing water. And yes the police, because there is public indecency and noise violations with the loud moaning if it is so loud it keeps you up. Dementia can be weird and even though she may seem aware of what she is doing, she may not be in as much control as you think. I speak of the police not because you want to get her ticketed or in trouble but to draw attention that gets her some help. Hoarding is a serious problem/fire/health hazard but even those of us who help older adults are limited in what can be done. It has deep roots, often a psychological basis and often due to some sort of loss or trauma if one looks back far enough. I'd also call Adult Protective Services anyhow as they have an obligation to respond quickly. Wishing you good luck and some sleep.
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Great responses... and I add that if you continue to get no help, then I would take all the documentation and go to your local tv station reporter that works on stories like this. All these agencies will not like the spotlight on their neglect, nor will her kids. She isn’t your responsibility and those agencies and her family should be ashamed and shamed for this. Good luck, keep us posted.
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gdaughter Aug 2019
Oh no...I'm afraid of the answers to follow my own as this makes it sound like she already tried what I suggested without luck...
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I'm in the UK and my mam is demonstrating the same type of behaviors. She's become verbally aggressive, suspicious, paranoid, a hoarder, childish, easy provoked, impulsive, nice-in-the-morning - but evil-incarnate-at-night, mistrusting and self-centered.

The only thing that my mam does not yet display is lack of decorum. She is well dressed most of the time. She appears lucid when you talk to her seriously. Sadly, because of having some "Capacity" the Social Services will not take her in hand. She's still treated as a person with rights and her wishes are respected. The Police are involved and many times - they've mentioned more care is needed. But UK Social Services will not do anything until she loses "Capacity" or poses as a physical danger to others.

Clearly in your case, the Lady has lost "Capacity" if she's half dressed and peeing herself.
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Adult Protective Services
County or Local Health Department for the Hoarding and standing water and for urinating on the porch, the police could also handle that. The Health Department would probably tell you to contact Building and Zoning for the roof that is leaking.
911 for the wailing in the middle of the night
Have you contacted Homeowners Association for any and all of these problems? I am sure that there are regulations that your HOA has that may even be stronger than the city, or county regulations. In most cases they would send a certified letter to the home owner and if the proper corrections were not made they would follow it up with a suit that would end up in court.
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
What makes you think there is a homeowners association?
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Have you called 911 while she is wailing in the wee hours of the morning and have them do a Welfare Check? They would have the right to have her placed in a 72 hour psych hold while she's evaluated. The children would be contacted about her and her living - if they don't step up, her property, assuming she's not released, would be abandoned. Is there a landlord involved? Could they be called? I'm just saying, it's not safe for her to live by herself by your statements and the State has to step in. Best of luck.
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Oh my goodness! Thank you all so much for your responses. I’ve gotten some new ideas from you all. To answer your questions, she owns the home. We have called 911 more than once when the wailing occurred and, since we live on the same block as the firehouse, we have just walked over to them. They know her well. We have pictures and documentation galore.

I dont know if she has always been like this, but for the past fifteen years, she has hated us. She is now in rapid decline. Evidence suggests that her children want little to do with her.

Some background. When we bought the land and built our townhome from the foundation up, after a gas explosion destroyed it, she hated the inconvenience of construction and wanted us to pay for her trip to Ireland plus room and board for the duration of construction. We didn’t, although we paid her thousands for a survey report that was never forthcoming. Since then, she has been antagonistic, to put it lightly. Our neighbors on the other side of this woman, rehabbed their home many years later. She is bothered by the newness and larger footprints of the dwellings surrounding her. This is my only remaining point of compassion.

Thank you again. I will report back!
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gdaughter Aug 2019
If it is of small comfort I have a friend in a private home with a much younger and antagonistic neighbor who has serious mental health issues like bipolar and then doesn't take meds and/or drinks. She has said very hurtful things, been indecently dressed or undressed as the case may be...the police have been out multiple times. She's left lids off garbage cans and placed them with garbage and dirty diapers on the side of the house where my friends driveway and back door are. She has two children and a wimp of a husband. One of her children is autistic. It took a long time. Part of the problem was the resistance of neighbors to call the police and report things. Had they from the beginning this might not have escalated. The police even told my friend to call EVERY time. At some point then they were able to do more and she went to court and some kind of program...and since then her behavior has drastically improved.
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Just a comment about this woman's daughter and son: hoarding (if it wasn't triggered by dementia) is a mental disorder and you cannot "logic" someone out of it. If her children don't have DPoA, I'm sure they have no power to change her situation or conditions. I was part of a team giving in-home end-of-life care to a woman (in her 40's) with cancer who was also a hoarder. She even had a young son. She absolutely would not let us take 1 thing from her filthy, packed home. I feel for you, and for your neighbor and her children. Wishing you success in getting things resolved soon.
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gdaughter Aug 2019
I'm guessing that was one of the cases that made you wonder why you ever got into this business...
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Great answers here.....yes, defiantly put this in high gear asap. She is a danger to both herself and the community with her living conditions and mental state. I also might add to contact the Dept. of Health and Human Welfare. If no one is willing to accept responsibility for her she will then become a ward of the state. And as someone else mentioned pictures and documentation are imperative. Although I'm willing to bet her state of affairs will speak volumes. Shame on the children for not stepping up and doing what is necessary by accepting their responsibility in all of this.
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gdaughter Aug 2019
Sometimes kids have done all they can and simply can do no more. Time, money, location, work, their own family to deal with...hoarders cannot be dealt with unless they want help and if you throw dementia in on top of this and the kids don't know where to turn...just saying don't blame them when you don't know all the details.
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If you were to try to move or sell you would have to disclose this problem. You need now to ramp up. You have already called every conceivable entity out there. It is now time to get politicians, time to get mayoral office involved. Truly this needs to be a neighborhood effort and the emphasis must be on firstly, her own safety, secondly, the cleanliness, and etc.
All entities, and especially any that are political need a clear record of who you called, when you called. So if you need to call them again, do so and start your diary. You need to tell politicians that you will be going to Newspapers with how you tried to get help for your neighbor and were unable. This would allow family a suit against the city should she burn down her house with herself in it.

You need to be clear on issues they will respond to. They are basically safety and anything that could leave them with cost and legal issues. Not complaints about noise. When she is shrieking at night, call the police. Keep careful records. Get as many involved as you are able.
So sorry. Sounds a nightmare!
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Are you calling the police at 3am when this is all occurring or are you waiting until daylight? You need to call when it’s happening so that the police can witness the behavior themselves.
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Record the night noises and video/pictures of the repairs that need to be made, bug infestation, standing water, as well as conversations with her. For some reason, some dementia patients are able to come off quite lucid and coherent at the exact time they need to. Recordings and documentation will show the flip side. Clearly she needs help and family is not doing her or you any favors.

You can share the info with adult protective to initiate work you need to do around your own house where it relates to her property. Hopefully, it will move forward from there.
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Call in Environmental Health, and Adult Protective Services. She is clearly living in unsafe conditions for her which are spreading to be unsafe for others around. If this doesn't work call 911 in the middle of the night ( you will know which night) and say you are afraid she must have hurt herself from the noise and you do not have access to check.
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Just an idea, but when starts wailing at 3AM, have you tried calling 911? Tell EMS you’re afraid she’s hurt. They are mandated reporters and when they see her living conditions, they are required to report her.
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AlvaDeer Aug 2019
Great idea.
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