She has been with me against her will for 7 months. I would love to take her back to visit as she constantly asks. I know it will be difficult to get her back; however, I can physically do it. My concern is will it set her back once we return to my house.
It may comfort you, but will not do anything positive for her. most likely she won't even recognize the home and claim it is not her home.
Me, there is no way I would consider doing this.
Is this a town? A home that is now empty?
Are you certain what she means by "Want to go visit my home".
We can't know your mom, the level of her dementia, whether a scrapbook of pictures might help, whether it is time to begin the white lies of "We can't go to your old home because..........".
More information will help lots.
And welcome.
My mom’s “home” is in Dekalb, Texas—a small, close-knit country town about three hours from Dallas. Her house is still standing, but no one lives there now. She lived in that home all her life and was always very attached to it. Even before dementia, she never liked being away for more than a couple of days.
I’m absolutely certain what she means when she says she wants to go home—she’s talking about that house. From the very beginning of her dementia journey, we’ve had to use therapeutic fibs when needed. Early on, she would get extremely agitated or even irate about not being home. Over time, that has shifted to sadness and sometimes just quiet longing.
Her dementia is moderate to severe now. She does experience sundowning, and while she usually recognizes me, there are times she doesn’t. Interestingly, if someone says a name, she might not make the connection—but when she sees the person, she knows exactly who they are. I’ve learned not to argue or correct her when she believes something that isn’t real. That’s been a tough but important adjustment.
She also asks the same question repeatedly—sometimes every few seconds—and refuses to wear the expensive hearing aids I got her. I’ve created a photo album for her and brought some familiar items from her home to help bring her comfort.
I’d love to hear from others—especially anyone who’s dealt with similar requests about “going home.” Have you ever taken your loved one back? Was it comforting or more confusing for them afterward?
Thanks again for the support.
It's often a mental mixture of their childhood home and other places early in their lives where they felt loved and secure before the inevitable old age problems started. That's why people with dementia still living in places they've lived for decades will ask to "go home".
In my experience, even if you take them to see their house, and all goes well, within a short amount of time, they'll be asking to go again. This is not only because they've forgotten you just took them, but because it's simply impossible to take them to the imaginary place in their mind they really want to go.
Why would you take her back to her house and get her upset to the point that you may have to physically remove her from her home ?
Any kind of upset or disruption in routine for a person with dementia can cause major setbacks in whatever level of independence they still have. It is not a good idea to take her back to her place now. Don't do it.
You may want to consider putting her in a memory care facility is she cannot acclimate to life at your house with you.
::: Benefits of Taking Her Home for a Visit
*Emotional Fulfillment:
A visit might provide her comfort, reassurance, and a sense of identity. Familiar surroundings can trigger positive memories and reduce anxiety—at least temporarily.
*Maintaining Trust:
Honoring her request (even if partially) can make her feel heard and respected. This can be a big trust-builder between the two of you.
Risks and Potential Setbacks
::: Reinforcement of "Going Home" Desires:
*A visit may intensify her fixation on returning permanently. Once she leaves again, she might experience deeper confusion, distress, or even anger—especially if she feels deceived.
*Disorientation After Return:
People with dementia may experience setbacks after changes in environment. Returning to your home might feel more unfamiliar and distressing than before.
*Behavioral Escalation:
She may become more agitated, confused, or even physically resistant after the visit, particularly if she believes she’s been “taken away” again.
::: Consider a Compromise Approach
*Try a “Drive-By” or Outdoor Visit First:
Instead of going inside, consider taking her to see the house from the outside, maybe even sit in the car or on the porch. Gauge her emotional response.
*Limit the Time:
Keep the visit short, and set clear expectations beforehand in a gentle way, if possible: e.g., “We’ll go by and take a look at your house today, but we’ll be coming back here for dinner.”
*Frame It Positively:
Try not to reinforce the idea that she is “not allowed” to be at her home. Instead, redirect with comforting logic: “We’re just stopping by for a quick visit. It’s so nice to see the house, isn’t it?”
*Bring Familiar Items or Photos Back With You:
If she finds peace in being there, consider taking a few items from the home to your place to help ease the transition back.
::: Things to Ask Yourself Before You Go:
*Is she likely to interpret this as a permanent return home?
*Do you have a support system in place if the visit becomes emotionally charged?
*Can you prepare her gently for the temporary nature of the visit?
*Are you emotionally prepared to manage the aftermath?
::: Conclusion:
It can be beautiful to honor her wish to return home, but it’s critical to weigh that against the psychological cost of “leaving” again. If you choose to do it, structure it carefully. Consider involving a geriatric care specialist, if available, to talk through strategies that make the visit safer emotionally.
Another great resource is an Ombudsman, who can be a very valuable source for resources.
Contact a local district office or the state headquarters at 850-414-2323 or toll-free 1-888-831-0404, according to ombudsman.elderaffairs.org
Best wishes to you. Your mom raised an empathetic man.
I have many years of being a caregiver to people with every kind of dementia. If the mother constantly fixates on 'going home' there is no benefit to taking her there. It will only be a detriment. She is already living at the OP's house 'against her will' what do you think will happen if she's brought back to her old place, recognizes it, but can't stay?
It would be a an unnecessary cruelty to take her back to her former home. It will not go well and the upset from not being able to stay will likely cause serious setbacks in whatever level of independence she may still have.
When I said my mother is with me “against her will,” I meant that she wants to be in her own home—not that I’m forcing her into care without love or consideration. My mom has always been extremely independent, and before dementia set in, she was very clear that she never wanted to live with me or my brother if she could no longer care for herself.
The difficulty is that she doesn’t realize she can’t care for herself anymore. She forgets things, has safety risks, and requires constant support—things that weren’t true when she made her wishes known years ago. I brought her into my home because it was no longer safe for her to remain alone, and I’ve been doing everything I can to respect her autonomy while also protecting her well-being.
As for taking her back to visit her house—she asks frequently, and it breaks my heart to tell her no. But I also worry about the emotional toll of bringing her back, only to remove her again. That’s the part I’m struggling with most—how to balance her need for emotional familiarity with the reality of her care needs and the confusion that might follow.
I’m open to hearing from others who’ve navigated this kind of situation. I’m trying to do what’s right, not just what’s easy—for either of us.