What are your thoughts and experiences regarding the extent of care for a mom (96) who now needs more care than I can handle?

Getting mom to a good geriatric psychiatrist may result in a prescription that will alleviate your mom's perception/delusion that she is under attack.

You don't need to know the names of the meds to ask for; just get her to a good geriatric psychiatrist and describe what you are seeing.

And no, not "drugging her into a stupor". Giving her brain the chemicals it has stopped making.

10 years Caregiving, job done brilliantly WELL DONE I say!

⚠️ Trickier times ahead. Time to re-assess the plan..

Short-term plans:
* UTI? if so - antibiotics
* Meds for 'mood'?

Longer term plans?
What is acceptable to you?
What are Mom's values?
What is affordable?
What is available?
At what point does the tipping point between 'caring at home' become just too burdensome or dangerous?

(((Hugs))) to you for the process of change that has started.

I read through your previous posts. You have 3 or 4 brothers, yet you are the one who's taken care of your mother. You have done enough! Time to place her! Good to read that you know about the spend-down for Medicaid eligibility.

Unfortunately, it's a stage that many seniors go through with this disease. It can last a long time.

The immediate solution is to have her physician prescribe some medication - if she will even agree to take it! (It may or may not work.)

You may recall the story of the singer Glen Campbell, who developed Alzheimer's disease. He was a physically strong man otherwise and became combative with the disease. There were 5 family members, rotating shifts, trying to take care of him. It became dangerous for them to continue to try to care for him. So, they had no choice but to place him in a memory care unit.

You stated that this was your "tipping point." It sounds like a different care arrangement is needed now.

God bless you. Ten years! Chances are that this behavior will accelerate. Also, some facilities will not accept a patient that is aggressive or combative, so definitely get ahead of this situation with appropriate meds. My 90 year old Mom was always paranoid, mercurial and aggressive but Alzheimer's made her murderous (wanted to slit my father's throat and mine if there wouldn't be repercussions, screamed and spat in our faces for days). She is on a combo of Seroquel (anti psychotic) and Lexapro (an anti-depressant). Stunning difference. I now see the Mom she could have been years ago and she charms everyone. I Just put her in a nursing home after three major falls and the caveats for admission included being non combative.

Sorry to hear what you're going through.
My sister cares for my mother and told me she asked the doctor for calming medication when my mother began having episodes of hitting and swearing. I initially objected but now see how it's needed after I had my mother stay over for "one" night. I decided not to give it to her because I didn't want her drugged. Well, that turned out to be a big mistake! The medication really works! It calms her and doesn't make her sleepy. It's an option.

P.S. Memory care isn't a terrible option either.

It would be helpful to know the actual timeframe when you say she went "from 0-60" because when a behavior or cognitive change happens in the elderly "suddenly" it can often signal a UTI. Elderly women are extremely susceptible to them, no matter how good their hygiene is as there are other factors that can cause one, and they often have no other physical symptoms except the behavior change. Sometimes they will have a fever. If I were in your shoes I'd take her to Urgent Care to just discount that this is possible cause. If it is a UTI it can be treated with antibiotics and her behavior will improve. If untreated it can turn into sepsis, which would be life threatening. If it isn't a UTI then you can call to discuss with her doctor if you think medications are an option to keep her more calm.

Dementia usually reaches a point where the behaviors become unmanageable for us to deal with at home. If meds aren't helping your mom, then I suggest you look around at Memory Care ALFs in your area.

My mother is 94.5 and has been living in a Memory Care ALF since June of 2019. The team takes wonderful care of her and my DH and I always say that her life has been extended because of their immediate reaction to health issues. She has activities and 3 hot meals a day, and gets to socialize with the other 20 residents which she enjoys. She has no issues with the caregivers, and they love her to death. With me she's angry and combative, which is typical of a dementia patient: they act out with relatives and loved ones and tend to exhibit exemplary behavior with carers who aren't related to them. My DH and I go visit her on the weekends and I speak with her daily. It works for all of us, and our marriage isn't stressed to the gills in the process (nor is the majority of my sanity). Not everyone wants to subject themselves to demented elderly behavior in their homes day in and day out, and that's fine. There is no shame in placing a parent in a good Memory Care ALF where they are safe and well cared for.

For what it's worth, I've witnessed my mother's decline on a regular basis for the past 5 years since she was diagnosed with progressive dementia. She's never gotten 'better', only worse with time and as the condition progresses.

Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a solution that works for YOU as well as for your mother. Everyone's wellbeing is important here, not just hers.

Usually combativeness is a sign of anxiety and frustration. Talk to her doctor about getting a mild anti-anxiety medication to use daily. It will make her a bit sleepier until she gets used to it. Also make sure to keep her routine and environment consistent since that repetition helps folks with dementia to function better. Always be slow, patient, and explain before touching her since she may not understand what you are doing.

I have to add this to my answer, after reading others before me...DO NOT LET ANYONE GIVE her Seroquel (anti psychotic), since when my mom was on hospice (in the nursing facility), my sister found that you should not give it to elderly or dementia patients. My mother had a stroke from it, and when she couldn't move (or talk, or swallow) anymore, we said our goodbyes and she died the next day. The hospice nurse (and her boss) were fired, but my Mom already had the stroke.