I filed for divorce 3 years ago, it is not finished because I put things on hold to focus on my husband who started showing signs of dementia that has affected his ability to care for himself. Three years ago he as diagnosed with Frontal Temporal Dementia (FTD). I need input as to whether I should go through with the divorce, but am concerned that his daughter from another marriage will contest the division of assets, and that I would still retain Power of Attorney to make sure he is taken care of. I do not want us to get a divorce and have his daughter contest things, this would be emotionally devastating for me. I have so much going on as I have a 91 mother who is being financially and mentally abused by my sister. Elder Abuse will not do anything because my mother is competent. When I tried to do something about it my sister physically attached me. I am 67 years old. She is 2 years younger.
Please share your wisdom with me I really need help in deciding whether to go through with a divorce. And yes I am worried too because if our assets are divided he will get more than half my retirement (this is why too now I hesitate to get divorced. However, he does not have long term insurance, and so I understand that much of our retirement will go to paying for his care. That will leave me in a bad situation should I need care as I do not have long term insurance either. My husband chose not to work many times during our 35+ year marriage and does not have much of retirement. I hold resentment about this. I've been taking care of him but it is very hard going on like this and I can see it starting to effect my physical and emotional health.
Please someone provide me some guidance, wisdom in making the right decision for me. I say "me" not to be a selfish person, but I've taken care of so many people and I have no one but myself to look after me.
Weigh your options, make the best choice you can and then don't look back. There will be people who tell you you made the wrong decision, no matter what you do. Don't let that keep you from doing what is right for this situation and for you.
Good luck.
I will add that my sister had ALS for several years and remained married until the death of her husband. She and he agreed to put her into a home that cared for people with similar conditions.
Their lawyer suggested what was called a financial separation and to apply for financial assistance to pay for her care.
Fortunately, for them at least, ALS is one of the terminal diseases listed by social security. And she was able to get the care she needed and BIL lost almost nothing. He was restricted on vehicle ownership and had to sell the sons car as BIL was co-signer on the loan.
I will mention that this was in the state of Illinois. so it is important to contact a Certified Eldercare Lawyer. Be wary of lawyers that say they practice elder law without the certification.
I wish you the best of luck in this journey.
I'm sorry, having typed that I now realise how hostile it must sound to you, but honestly that isn't what I meant.
What I am getting at is that yours is a highly complex, sensitive situation where your and your husband's interests are *necessarily* going to be opposed - there is no blame, but resources are limited and have to be managed between the two of you.
Among your concerns about your stepdaughter: to put it crudely, are you worried that she will cheerfully pocket your husband's share of the assets and then neglect his care?
I do not know this for certain, but I would be surprised if you could retain Power of Attorney for your husband AND divorce him. The conflict of interest would be so manifest I can't imagine any kind of family court allowing that arrangement to stand.
If you and your husband are to avoid throwing your limited joint budget away on stressful, lengthy legal battles, you need advice from an elder attorney who can recommend how best to come to an agreement that ensures support for both of you. Again I don't know, but given your husband's dementia he is a vulnerable adult and surely MUST have his own representation, so be prepared for that.
So - get specialist legal advice, and choose your advisor carefully. You want a problem solver, not a pitbull.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-a-lot-of-questions-about-my-wifes-conduct-and-if-it-is-related-to-dementia-or-is-a-mental-dis-450602.htm
Be sure to find his post/comment specifically, which includes a link that discusses the disease. I know you're asking about assets and finances/divorce, but part of your decision making process should take into account what you are likely going to be facing with FTD in your husband. It's tough stuff, to say the least.
Wishing you all the best of luck.
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