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Itching with impatience, here - we might just as well agree that Bob's mother needs to understand calculus before he can move on.

Bob's *mother's* understanding is neither here nor there. It is Bob's use of his mother's needs as a paper tiger barring his entry to the adult world that's the problem.

I have begun to wonder what happened earlier on, when his parents separated. One sibling seems to have coped. Bob, not so well.
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She hasn't seen a doctor in 5 years.

AND you are putting your life on hold because she "becomes emotional" when someone (I assume you) suggests that she should do something, anything, to improve her condition.

Do you have health insurance, Bob?
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You wrote:
" I want off this dance floor so bad, but if I get off, my mom will make me get back on. She's the type that doesn't mess around."

What does that mean, doesn't mess around?

She's going to beat you up?
Cry?
Call the cops?

What power does she have, except the power you've ceded to her?
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Losing battle. I am off this dance floor!
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I am going to do something that I rarely do. I am going to respond without reading all the responses that you have gotten thus far.
Because I am doing that if I am off base or making a comment that you have previously replied to forgive me.
You seem to have a LOT of excuses, please note that I did not say reasons and I do believe there is a difference, for your "problem"
Do you WANT to find work?
I can not believe that your mother NEEDS you 24/7/365.
there are ways to get help if she needs it that does not mean a "Nursing Home".
You are an adult. Act like one.
YOU are making the choices you are making. No one is forcing you to stay home and..other than driving mother to chemo you do not mention what you are doing for her.

You may have to go back to school to become current in whatever you field was/is. You do not mention what your degree is/was but I can assure you that things have changed.
You can start that NOW, on line.
Most Community Colleges, traditional Colleges and University institutions all have job placement help if it is needed. And depending on your chosen field there are recruiters waiting in line to hire MOTIVATED people.
Stop with the EXCUSES and get on with your life. Unless you want to be one of the people that never left home, will remain in the house you lived in for your entire life and may still be wondering why at the age of 75 you could not find a job.

OK, I did go back and read about 99% of the responses and your comments.
I stand by my statement you have a LOT of excuses.
so I am going to answer your main question("what are the chances of me finding work once caregiving ends") with this....
0%
You do not seem to want to find a job.
To use a paraphrase Sir William Shakespeare..
"The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks."
Since you have not been motivated to change I can only assume that you are happy with the status quo. Your protests are a cover and you are deluding yourself.
If you truly want change you have to change.
And I am with gladimhere and I am also exiting the dance floor. This party is over!
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GardenArtist Jun 2022
Grandma1954, bravo!   Truthful and well written.    I thought the same thing earlier, decided to post once and see if his attitude reflected any of the suggested changes.   No.  Read a bit more and concluded that he posted to get justification for his refusal, lack of interest, or other self justified inaction.

And look at all the attention he's getting from people who are trying to help, for someone who doesn't seem to want anything but justification for remaining where he is.

Blame shifting isn't successful.
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Bob, you're not being honest with yourself. You think you are. None of us can help you until you wake up one day and realize that you do have choices here, and it is within your power to get off of this merry-go-round. Oh, but "there's a difference between making excuses and telling it like it is." Yeah yeah yeah. I get it. Again: you're not being honest with yourself, and that realization has to come from within.
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Some people are beyond help.

Some people are a lost cause.

Some people have to hit the bottom before they make changes.

Some people hit the bottom and start digging.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2022
Or drag for a while.
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Stop with the excuses. Get off your butt and find a job.
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blickbob Jun 2022
Caregiving has to end first before I can do that.
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Hi!
If you could have any job what would your dream job be?
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Beatty Jun 2022
Great question.
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You can set up transportation to take her back and forth to appointments. To get a job you fill out applications and schedule an interview and go to it. Lack of motivation is only an excuse, get on an antidepressant and realize that no one wants to get out of bed every day and go to work. It would be almost impossible for someone not to be able to fall @$$ backwards into a job these days. Everyone is hiring, I personally have three jobs and take care of my mom, it can be done.
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Great answers here.I would add that I think you can use some counseling. Unless you want to spend your whole life caregiving, don’t throw your life away. There are other services to give your Mom help and free you up to work at another field, socialize etc.
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Right now there are plenty of jobs for everyone. I don't think that you will have any trouble finding a job, especially with the experience of caring for your mom. Most nursing homes, assisted living, schools, etc are hiring for all positions right now. I don't know what you want to do, but jobs are available right now.
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blickbob Jun 2022
I want nothing to do with nursing homes, assisted living, or teaching. Of the professions that I don't want to do, those are at the TOP of the list. The very top. Suggesting the first two things to someone like me who has suffered mightily from caregiving is the same as telling a rape victim to go into prostitution.

I was sucked into caregiving duties. I didn't have a choice. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Had her body started to age and fall apart long after I left the nest, hopefully it's a different story for me. She never got anyone else. She tells people that without me, she's in the nursing home. What I've had to experience is why most men aren't in nursing-related fields. They don't have the desire or interest and that's the case with me.

As with teaching, I never had any interest in it. Both my parents were teachers and I heard all sorts of horror stories. Plus, it's an example of the child doing the opposite of the parent. Kids will either imitate them or do the opposite.
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dear OP,

i don't understand you.

i wish you well. i also have some things i want to say to you:

Point 1.
you said:
"Her needs and ridiculously slow recovery are why I can't work." 

my comment is not about work. it's about how you care for your mother:
i don't understand your approach to caring for her. if i understood right, your mother hasn't seen a doctor for 5 years.

how can you possibly take care of her? you say, "her needs and ridiculously slow recovery" ----- but YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON MEDICALLY, with your mother. you HAVE NO IDEA if it's "recovery" that's the problem, or some new, additional major problem ---- she hasn't seen a doctor in 5 years -- she also hasn't had a blood test, or any test in 5 years?

there is no way i can care for my parents without them seeing a doctor. my parents' doctors helped them recover from all sorts of things. (if in the future, my parents never want to see a doctor again, that's a different matter).

but i'm referring to your DIAGNOSIS of your mother's situation:
"her needs and ridiculously slow recovery".

you shouldn't be saying that.
you should be saying:

"I, blickbob, have NO IDEA what my mother's health is going through because she hasn't seen a doctor in 5 years. So be it. That's what she wants. I'm helping her - but blindly - because I have no idea what I'm helping her with. I might even be making things worse, since I have no idea what's wrong with her body. I'm just using my gut instincts to help her. My mother appears to have a sound mind, but I can't be sure about that either, since she hasn't seen a doctor in 5 years. So I might be following her wishes, and her wishes might be mentally-off. For example, maybe she's deeply depressed; depressed people don't make wise decisions."

Point 2.
this comment has to do with work.

i asked you please to disprove me.
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blickbob Jun 2022
It's been almost 4 years, not 5 years. She needs to see a doctor, but will use the Covid card as an excuse.

Plus, she isn't always up front with all the ailments and chemo side effects she has. She does it not to worry me, but that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is her telling everyone she knows that she's getting better and stronger and then something comes up that contradicts that claim.

I'd rather know for certain everything isn't well rather than be lead to believe everything is well and then see something pop up and her body tells me "just kidding, things aren't better."
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Hi! Have you thought about remote work positions? I'm a similar age to you and I work remotely. I would say about 80% of my friends do too. You say you're from a small town without a lot of job opportunities. If you work remotely you can get a job from another part of the state or even a different state. I know it's hard to work and take care of a parent but it can be done. Some jobs are very flexible with what time of day you work your hours. You can take frequent breaks to help your parent as long as by the end of the day you complete your tasks or make your hours. Even an entry level remote job would be good for you. Get some experience and some money coming in. You don't want to be financially dependent on your mom. Even with a minimum wage job you can start saving money now. If you're too depressed to try it, start with some online counseling. You need to come to the realization that your mom may never improve. How do you want to live the rest of your life if she's permanently like this?
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dear OP,

down below, you replied:
“caregiving has to end first” before you can look for a job.

you have the wrong approach OP. hug!!

your reply is incorrect. you don’t need to wait. you can search now. you can even accept a tiny job with very few hours, as a 1st step.

you can also just start aiming at your dream job. take steps. thinking about it. (not a single reply of yours shows what you’d like to aim at, if you could. if you had no caregiving.) (no vision of your dreams/goals).

on the contrary, your PLAN is to wait till it ends. in that case…

your mother most likely will live (i wish her to live long and happily), many years. let’s say, as an example, 20 more years.

you’ll be 50.
you really don’t want to look for a job before you’re 50? imagine really, the caregiving ends when you’re 50.

the problem is:
you don’t have any ambition.

if you have a burning ambition, dream, you’ll do what you need to do, to make it happen.
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dear OP,

another point.

regarding choosing a career path (for example, you said your parents were teachers; you don’t want to be a teacher.)

you wrote, “it's an example of the child doing the opposite of the parent. Kids will either imitate them or do the opposite.”

i can understand that. but you realize OP, at the moment you’re not “doing the opposite”. you’re choosing no career at all - not now, nor for the future.

in no reply do you say:
“what i really want to do as a job is X, after caregiving ends. in order to do X, i’ll have to do a, b, c. i have already taken the 1st step, by at least knowing the DIRECTION i want to head towards. i know what i DON’T want to do as a job. i also know what i WANT to do as a job.”


IF YOU DON’T PLAN, YOU’LL FALL INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S PLAN. in fact, that’s exactly what’s happening to you right now.
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I met a guy once from a farm in Iowa. He wanted to go to Russia. So he got a paying job, on top of his family farm duties, saved up & went.

I asked why. He wanted to see somewhere different. Meet different people. Be challenged having to think about every day, obtaining food, using transport, finding accommodation.

Now Russia may not be the ideal destination for many... 😜

Bob, where & what would you like to see or do?

Temples in Japan?
Bahamas?
Scottish Castles?

A cafe in the next county?
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dear OP,

i wrote the following message as a reply to a reply (this means it’ll get lost among the messages).

so i re-post it here, because i’m worried about your mother (she hasn’t seen a doctor in 4 years; and you’re caring for her without knowing AT ALL what problems she has. i gave you an example: even vitamin deficiencies can lead to sluggishness, apathy, not wanting to do anything, not making good decisions, weak body. vitamin deficiency is EASILY treatable. it affects the body AND mind. you need a blood test, possibly vitamin supplements.) :

dear OP,

you need to get her to see a doctor. your mother might not be of sound mind (her wish not to see a doctor might be irrelevant; should be disregarded). you might be neglecting her by not getting a doctor to see her.

maybe YOU’RE afraid that if a doctor sees her, you’ll be criticized for neglect?

maybe the house is not in a good state, so YOU don’t want anyone to see it?

furthermore:
she might be severely depressed; temporarily mentally incompetent.

you must take the reins. you decide. you get a doctor to come to the house. you can say it’s a neighbour who called the doctor, so you’re not the “bad guy”, so she doesn’t blame you for having asked a doctor to come. you can open the door and say you had no idea a doctor was at the door. “but now that a doctor is here Mom, let’s get you checked out.”

you said your mother isn’t upfront about her ailments. SHE CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT AILMENTS SHE HAS.

she needs a blood test, etc.

she might have many illnesses: some might be easily curable with a doctor.

it’s not possible for you to do caregiving correctly without a nurse, doctor, etc.
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Beatty Jun 2022
Yes.

It's all very well - our good intentions for BB to find his way etc..

But this lady needs a health check-up. Let some Professionals get involved.

Thankyou BOJ for bringing this back to priority no 1.
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Hi blickbob:

I've been in your shoes. In my case, I took care of my wife, both parents and other family members. My caregiving days are done (for now), but I there are still a few siblings that may need my help in the coming decade.

I noticed that you have no interest in caregiving or teaching as a career -- I understand completely.

A lot of people here saying "get a job" have no idea just how hard it is to get back to work after being a caregiver for as long as you (and I in the past) have. Finding work is not just about motivation. Other contributing factors: burnout, caregiver PTSD, depression, anxiety, fear, anger and feeling unknown, dishonored, disrespected, unseen, unheard, and not understood also prevent us from being the best version of ourselves. Learned helplessness, I imagine, also has an impact on your abilities right now.

The caregiving will end eventually, but the fact is that you're the one who needs care now. Be gentle with yourself and take it in steps:
1) Get your CV / résumé sorted. Recognize that most good companies will understand having to take time being a caregiver. Caregiving should be on your
résumé. There are plenty of skills used in caregiving that are useful to employers. Your caregiving is actually a job in itself.

2) Try ZipRecruiter as a way to let employers come to you. I'd recommend you go back to your college professors or anyone else involved in your college education that would be willing to write a reference for you and ask them for a reference letter. Caregivers seldom get the credit (and credibility) they deserve. ZipRecruiter likes to have references included in your profile. You can send a link to your references so that they can submit their opinions about you to ZipRecruiter directly.
3) Search on ZipRecruiter for "Entry Level" jobs. There are plenty out there. Once your profile is complete, recruiters will find you.
4) Find companies that will pay to train you for entry level positions or where the barriers to entry are low. Consider government jobs, healthcare jobs that involve government subsidies (like dialysis companies that get reimbursed from Medicare like DaVita or Fresenius) and work-from-home opportunities while you're still in caregiving mode. Of course, you didn't mention your what your major or college degree is in. I'd recommend you stay away from sales jobs. You'll find a lot of Insurance / sales jobs recruiters that will bleed you dry and they are the ones that usually take advantage of the desperate job seeker.

Search for the following articles online:
"Returning to the Workforce After Being a Caregiver by Rebecca Zucker"
"Rebuilding Your Life After Caregiving By CRHCF"
"Returning to Work After Caring for a Parent By Martin Yate"
"Long-term unemployed: Sample CV template and guide Total Jobs"
"The Untethered Soul Guided Journal: Practices to Journey Beyond Yourself  by Michael A. Singer "
"Young Life Interrupted - A Podcast For Young Caregivers Adrienne Glusman"

Hope these things help you, my friend. Hang in there.
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