Follow
Share

I have been taking care of my mom for almost 7 years now. She is constantly demanding things from me and when I don't meet her needs she makes fun of me, she blames me for how she feels, she says I don't care. She also recently started calling her friends and siblings to say bad things about me that I am not doing. She recently body shamed me and glares at me. She has threatened to kick me out of her home before, but when things would get worse to where she ended up in the hospital she would brag about how much she needed me. I started going to therapy, but I wanted to know how else I can set boundaries with her since I am still in her home. I am on my way to moving out and have more savings/work full time and working on my license. I know I will move soon it is just a process I have to go through. How can I manage things when she blames me for everything. I have tried walking away or asking her not to speak to me a certain way and it makes things worse. I am trying not to internalize everything she says, but it's hard. She has been this way my entire life. No matter what I do it is not good enough. What other ways can I set boundaries until I move out? How can I feel safe here until then?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

4 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I am so glad you have made your decision to move. That must have been one hard step to take. But onwards & upwards 💪🦋.

The Grey Rock suggestion from JoAnn is an awesome idea. Google & watch YouTubes too.

It's hard to start, but keep going. Tuning out is very hard as we have all been trained to engage in conversation, whether polite, rude, helpful or otherwise.

Slow down when Mother talks to you. Breathe.

Rather than reply instantly, take your time. Decide.

Is this a positive conversation? Is it polite? Do you want to engage?

Or is this her having a moan (venting), talking just to stir things up (stirring the pot). If so, this is your *grey rock* moment. But it will take practice & be hard as you live together. She will notice the change too & attack you over that too.

Maybe instead of true Grey Rock, try your own Grey Rock Lite? Instead of ONE word answers, try a short sentence. Instead of NO emotion, show just a little. Add a shrug. Show her words do not harm you.

In time, this *fake it til you make it* can work. You will actually build up your defences & what she says really won't impact you as much. Be more like "Yeah ok. You are allowed to think that Mom. However, I disagree. Shrug. Let's leave it there for now". Convo over. Walk into next room.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
estrellaluna avatar
E
estrellaluna Jun 2021
Thank you so much for this.
(2)
Report
Look up "grayrock". Seems like you have tried to talk to Mom and she doesn't care. So now u ignore her.

Look up Narcissism. See if Mom meets the meaning. If so, I will never win. 60 is not old so she can find resources to help her. You get out ASAP.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
estrellaluna avatar
E
estrellaluna Jun 2021
Thank you for this. I have never heard of "gray rock" I appreciate your advice. She has resources available to her but she does not want them. I am in the process of moving now. I have been saving and working hard to get out.
(2)
Report
You don't share what if anything is wrong physically or mentally with your mom in your profile, that you're having to "care" for her. She's only 60, so I'm guessing that she's fairly healthy(as that is very young)and the fact that you share you're a single mom, leads me to believe that you moved in with her for your financial benefit not hers. But either way, you have allowed her to talk to you in a very unhealthy way for far too long. Who cares if she "makes things worse" when you actually stand up for yourself or walk away. It should be you walking away permanently, the sooner the better. If you're really all that unhappy there with mom, I would think you would have left years ago. Surely you have a friend who would let you and your children crash on their couch until you get things figured out, or even if you have to go to a woman's shelter, at least you would be out. The fact that you remain and tolerate her bad behavior, speaks more loudly about you than it does your mom. I hope and pray that you will set the example for your children and show them what not to tolerate, from anyone, particularly family. I wish you strength to do what's right for yourself and your children.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
estrellaluna avatar
E
estrellaluna Jun 2021
Just because she is 60 does not mean she is healthy. I understand I didn't share exactly what she has, but she has a lot of health issues currently. I took on caring for her yes because I was leaving an abusive situation and I was the only one that was willing to take care of her after her sibling stole from her and left her alone in her home where she almost passed. I have been dealing with her abuse since I was a child so it is not so black and white to get out of it just because I am unhappy. I have realized through therapy recently that I need to leave and I am in the process of doing so. Not everyone has friends or other family to rely on, but I have saved and made plans to move. I am setting an example for my child, by making the choice to move. Your comment was very harsh.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Understand that the boundaries are yours and for you only. Look at it like a fence to keep the bad out, with a gate to let the good in. No need to tell mom your boundaries, they aren’t for her. Whatever it is that needs to be a boundary to keep you healthy, physically and emotionally, put that in place. I’d start with not listening to any rude or negative talk, leave the room or the house each and every time it happens. Don’t explain or justify your choices. Let go being concerned what your mom tells others, you don’t control that. Anyone who knows you and your character will know better than what she’s saying about you. Decide what you will and won’t do for her, don’t do anything she’s capable of doing for herself. Caring for your own health is vital. I hope you’ll find peace soon
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
estrellaluna avatar
E
estrellaluna Jun 2021
Thank you for your advice and kindness.
(2)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter