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I don't take any gov. help with her. She pays me $340 to live in my home and I do not touch any other money.She has Dementia, balance problems, can't do meds right, banking,bathing, cooking, etc. She has mean from day one, arguments that escalate to an all day affair. No family help. Want out of this situation. What is it going to cost me and how do I go about putting her somewhere else?

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The biggest question as I see it is whether the $340 a month has a written contract. Without that, Medicaid would see the money as a gift and impose a penalty for what you received.
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I can't either, Babalou, and yet I've learned from this site that it happens A LOT. Sense of duty, co-dependency, hope to finally earn love -- I have a hard time understanding it, but it sure does seem to happen.

But whether it is a life-long trait or fairly recent with the dementia, I can understand the need to get out of the direct caregiving role and start over. Maybe Marlett can continue in a role of overseeing the care, or maybe she needs to detach completely.

Either way I think it is important to hold out the truthful hope that there is help available. And (based on experience) I think the place to start that process is with a needs assessment by the county, and the assignment of a case worker to help sort out what the options are and what Marlett's mother is eligible for.

It is NOT a case of Marlett has to continue in this role or Mother has to go live under an overpass in the box a refrigerator came in. There really and truly are options out there. That is the important message!
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Thanks, Jeanne. I guess what I meant was, is this a lifelong personality trait ( it certainly was with my MIL), or something that started to appear when the dementia did.

I can't imagine why someone whose parent was disagreeable their whole lives would chose to allow them to move in!
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According to another post, Marlett has been providing care in her home for more than three years. This is not a new symptom.
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Marlett, deep breath!

Has your mother always been this way ( argumentative and mean) or is this a recent development.?

If it's something new, try to see it as a symptom, and definitely report it to her doctors as such. Getting her to a geriatric psychiatrist is an excellent forst step! Psychiatric meds might even out her moods and allow her to recognize that you're helping her.

Even if she's always been this way, meds might make her easier to handle. Good luck!
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Does your mom have assets or is the money she gives you her only income from social security ?

Depending on how much care she needs there are a couple of different sources of care for her if she can no longer be with you and she may need some medication to help with her agitation - has she been to a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist ?

While you may no longer want to be her caregiver and want out please consider if you are ready to walk away completely - if you still want to be the overseer of her care then turning her over to APS might not be your first move - in the heat of an argument in what seems nonstop aggravation it is easy to want it to be over but really try and search your heart if you're going to walk away completely or try to find the best care she can get within her means or Medicaid if needed

There are resources on this site or through a place for mom with free referrals - does she need skilled nursing or more of custodial care ? Would she be able to be in a residential board and care - a private home setting ?

Is there a senior citizens center in your town that you can reach out to ? Maybe get a little respite stay for her in a care facility while you catch your breath and figure out next steps
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As POA you have no authority to determine where she lives.

But you certainly have authority over your own life. You can't insist that she goes to Assisted Living, for example, but you can certainly insist that she does not live with you.

Time to call upon outside help. I'd start with the county Social Services. Ask for a needs assessment for your mother. Make it absolutely and unmistakably clear that she has to leave your house. Don't back down on that one iota.

Obviously she can't live on her own. You do not wish her harm. But you cannot continue to take care of her. You wish them luck in finding a good placement for her and you will cooperate in every way you can, but she must be removed from your home.

You may need to go through a formal eviction process, but since she is a vulnerable adult and cannot manage on her own, I hope that the county will see about making her a ward of the state and getting her appropriate care.

(And it shouldn't cost you anything.)
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