My grandmother lost her friend / significant other in 2019. At the time of the stroke I had been visiting with my wife and less than 1 year old and had remained in town for a bit after sending them ahead to spend time with them. She was very sick from cancer and sometimes had appointments every day of the week plus home health care. My life changed and I was 24/7 with her and often doing what work i could do being self employed between the hours of 8pm and midnight. My brother came in to stay with my grandfather soon before he passed and I flew my wife and baby to me every few weeks, so i could see them. My own mother stayed a very short time after telling us to just put her in a home and trying to get what she felt she was owed as inheritance early.

I was able to do alot of financial planning from that point of time with my grandmother to protect her and her wishes and essentially became on paper her Trustee, POA, and MPOA. I transitioned her to a rental while i worked on more financial arrangements. In January 2020 my wife officially moved to me at this location, and I advised my brother that he didnt have to feel obligated to stay as often if I had her for support. We wanted to relocate her to us out of state but she needed the cancer hospital and advised she had no wish to leave the city. I made what i thought and still think was the fiduciary thing to do and consolidated all her funds to afford her what we decided to call her final home for her to retire. This decision was done knowing that she couldnt live alone, our lives would be forever integrated, and that at some point financially she would be dependent on me. Not having to pay a mortgage would allow me to be able to provide if she wanted for anything more than her social security could afford her and allow me to quarantine the family in with her due to Covid.

Throughout the year she began to get more healthy and things were good, but she had started to show more mental decline. In early December 2020 she fell and didnt call for help because she forgot she doesn't live alone. The hospital recommended a SNF and to look at LTC. I was so upset i cried all week at night because i felt guilty, but i was worried about her and to make it worse I was afraid she would hate me. The truth is that the facility turned into a horrible situation and i pulled her from it concerned, but she got COVID and ended up right back in the hospital. The hospital released her recently but she was so weak that she fell with me in the room on the first night and ended up right back. Im now told its against the advise of medical professionals for her to return if she cant have someone at her side for falls around the clock. She goes to a SNF Monday and this time i spoke with her and we feel good about it together.

The family member however called to scream at me. We are being told that we are mooching and should be paying rent to live in the house and care for her. There have been also false accusations of my grandmother buying my house a decade ago and that she bought my car. Its become fairly obvious that there is a belief of a lot more assets than what there are and I made the mistake of not keeping all trust details private. She also went on to accuse her mental decline on us because we didnt use all her money to pay for someone to interact with her and let her stay in the room or maybe she thinks we dont let her come out. She blamed the first fall on me, the SNF and getting covid, and the second fall.

I'm curious to what is a reasonable expectation for someone as a caregiver? I do everything for her and have her interests first. Im treated as i should be both physically and financially responsible no matter what. There are obviously unrealistic expectations, but Im worried about even speaking with the family member because I feel i cant help financially for fear of commingling assets (which is worded okay with some guidelines), but there are so many accusations.

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You've been doing a stand-up job caring for your grandma, but have you been doing what is wise in the long run? Before making another move I would invest in a 1 or 2 hr consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney to sort out what you've done, what impact that will have on your gma's care, and how to move forward so that you don't inadvertently delay or disqualify her from Medicaid. Please do not pay for her care out of your pocket -- she can get good care on Medicaid. My MIL is in an excellent LTC facility as a Medicaid recipient. She even now has a private room. She receives good attention and medical care and the people there are very compassionate. Your first obligation is to your own family first. Do not rob from *their* futures by attempting to pay for your gma's care now. An attorney can also advise you on what and how much information you should share with the others. In the absence of information people will fill in fiction from their own greedy and ignorant minds. You can't really control this. Please talk to an attorney. May you be blessed for acting on her behalf and gain peace in your heart.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Geaton777

Sigh---the relative who shows up only when they can smell money...and to harangue the one person who has always 'been there'.

Is grandma able to make coherent decisions? If so, she should quickly get with a lawyer and put her wishes into black and white. Your family will of course accuse you of coercion--but if gma can make her own plans, then they must abide by them.
You are her POA and must act as it. I think you do need to speak to an attorney about living rent free with her--even though you were not being paid to help her. It's a slippery slope with that kind of thinking. Somebody is very likely to get really mad.

Tell your mom that her inheritance will be given to her when gma passes and not before. Gma's assests are to be used for HER care.

What you have done so far, kind as you are, cannot be 'repaid' after the fact. A paid CG, family or no, needs to have a legal document stating what the pay is, what is expected of them, how many hours are needed--this is why an elder care lawyer is necessary.

Don't talk to the family member who is hassling you until you have gotten this straightenend out legally.

YOU should not be paying for gma's care. She needs to run out her assets first and then the decision to 'help her out' or let her go to Medicaid comes in to play. (I will admit I am not very versed in Medicaid and its rules).

Good Luck. Family is great...until they're not.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Midkid58

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