What are options for father who refuses care?

You may be joining a common club here, loosely called “waiting for the fall” This means that events will happen with your dad that force change, maybe sooner, maybe later, but will definitely happen. When a person refuses all options and help, and even APS isn’t kicking in, there becomes little choice but to wait. And it’s no fun to wait and wonder. One more thought, when you suspect dementia is at play, stop trying to discuss or persuade dad with rational discussion. It will only be frustrating for all sides and lead nowhere. If you and your siblings decide to do something like make a repair, just show up and start doing it, no discussion. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother and that you’re in this frustrating position now. Wishing you peace as you navigate

If your Father is undiagnosed and he has refused to accept care and has refused to give anyone POA, then there quite honestly is nothing that you can do about it but keep asking APS who already has him on their radar to do wellness checks. If they try to tell YOU to do something about it tell them that you have tried and that he will not allow you to help, and the animals have kept you from the door. Tell them that there is nothing you can do, and that is why you called them.
They have the power to have your father transported by ambulance if he seems to need that intervention. You quite honestly do not if he is on his feet and saying no.
I would call him and check in daily. If he doesn't answer for some time I would attempt to knock at the door. If he doesn't answer you will have to call authorities for a welfare check. But for the life of me I cannot imagine what else can be done. You are unlikely to win a guardianship fight in which he will be supplied an attorney and you, as loser, will pay for it.
We have seen a few Forum members who have known that the parent needs intervention, the parent has refused, and the parent has died at home. This happens. And given we all DO die, this may be the last wishes of the parent.
I am so sorry, wish I had better answers, and hope someone else will. Offer Dad help. Check on him by phone and tell him the best way to keep you off the doorstep is to answer the phone and say he is fine. Offer to take him shopping, get meals on wheels, whatever, but I think there is little else you can do. You have in fact DONE all the right things, though to little avail. I can't think of anything else you might do.

Cb, welcome to the forum.

A couple of things, his dogs are his support system. Whether we agree or not, as long as they are being taken care of, they give him comfort and security, nobody is going to break in and harm him with those beasts at the gate. Please do not get them taken away.

If your dad is able to take care of himself but, can't do needed repairs on the house, stop asking, get your siblings and all others willing to help, swoop in and spend the day/weekend getting repairs done. Do NOT ask permission, ask for forgiveness later, when the house is dealt with.

As hard as it is to want to intervene for our parents and not be able to, remember, it is not always the best solution. At 89 he can make the decision how he wants to end his days. That's perfectly okay, even though we live in a world that says otherwise.

My dad said he would rather die in the Walmart parking lot then to ever live in another facility. As long as he was able to understand this concept and wasn't endangering others, I backed off and let him live his life. I think it was the best thing I could have done. He could have lived longer with the proper care but, it would have been a miserable existence.

Try encouraging dad and see if he becomes less resistant to company. Obviously he is on the defensive right now, try to get that calmed down and let him just be him, whatever that looks like.

I am sorry for the loss of your mom. May The Lord lead all of you during this new season. May HE give you all comfort, wisdom and strength.

Even if you had POA there is only so much you can do. People still have free will. Unless you are willing to take your father to court and apply for conservatorship, something that is very expensive, lengthy, and emotionally devastating, you are most likely in a “wait for an incident” that triggers a big change.

These are the options as I see them;

A. Accept home services & aides to visit him to provide care. Including tieing up his dogs & accept help from 'strangers'.

B. Move to a safer environment. Somewhere with staff. Hot meals, company & activities. But no dogs. (Maybe 1 could be brought in to visit).

C. Carry on as he is. Await a crisis to force change. Even if this means risk of falls, minor or major harm or even death.

No-one wants to get old & infirm. But some will accept aging with grace & even enjoy the company in group living.

Others are like an old Sea Captain - choose to go down with their ship.

If your Dad KNEW he was losing some skills &/or developing dementia, what would you guess his wishes would be? Which option fits his life values?

Hire a dog trainer or expert. They can assess the dogs and have resources to rescues that can rehome if necessary. But, what ever you do, don't take them all away. They are valuable for protection. Elderly are vulnerable to break-ins (as we all are now). Just recently a 81 year old in a near-by community was bludgeoned to near unconsciousness while he was sleeping. Died later in hospital. Dogs are a significant deterrent to crime - and keep people oriented and alerted to danger, as well as good companions. Just need professional help to assess the needs and help manage. I pray you find someone who is good and cares. PS...sometimes "viscous" just means they are protecting their homes. I make sure any strangers coming on my property know I have dogs that will protect me and my property,

cbcook54: Perhaps there is nothing you can do other than to keep asking Adult Protective Services to continue to perform wellness checks. Please telephone him routinely to check on him.

I disagree about having the dogs rehomed. If you cannot care for yourself, how in the world do you care for a pack of dogs? Plus, they leave a mess, being, dogs, and make life much more difficult.

In my city, if you call Animal Control, you will have an officer at your home within 12 hours. Sometimes within an hour, esp if you tell them that the dogs are 'vicious' or causing grief in the neighborhood. In fact, Animal Control is MUCH more 'hands on' than APS.

Perhaps dad can choose one or two of the easiest dogs to keep. Again, we are limited to the # of animals we can own.

I agree that you and family should do a 'swoop' and get together and get the house cleaned and safe. No, dad is never going to do it.

Is there a neighbor who would keep eyes on your dad and report to you? There usually is someone who wouldn't mind doing that--not cleaning or anything, just eyes on the situation.

And, yes, you are probably waiting for the 'fall' that gets him hospitalized. Awful as that seems, it's often the on;y way to get things changed.

Does dad realize that if one of those dogs attacks someone, he could be sued for many thousands of $$.

I can't imagine how bad his yard must look, I doubt he's out cleaning up dog poop every day.

He's not able to care for these dogs. Sadly, as much as he may 'love them'. they can't be happy--if they are vicious, something is wrong with them and they need training and care.

Could you perhaps contact a faith community he may at one time have affiliated with ( or is not one, then contact one of your choice that you affiliate with in your state) and, ask if the pastor and relevant lay member could begin making some type of regular pastoral care visits with your father? this may or may not help but will establish someone else in his community who can observe the situation and, make recommendations or establish a level of trust with him to make some progress getting him to be assessed. Can you call senior services group in his area and find out is there are doctors ( or Nurse Practitioners) who make house calls in his area? You are definitely in a difficult position as long as he is deemed cognitively fit to make his own decisions, then his " patient rights" to accept or refuse or choose what if any care he receives will need to be honored.

You may also want to confer with an Elder Care Attorney where you are for guidance on legal processes, needs etc. etc. ; when something else does happen to him ( fall etc ) you can bet your bottom dollar that the " family" will be contacted by medical authorities... you could be put in an even more difficult position. Learn about your legal requirements etc. and document, document, document all calls to APS and other health care etc. contacts that you make.

APS is unfortunately known for being slow to act in may situations.. Since you say that they have told you to " take care of the situation", you may need to seek legal advice ......

Best regards..

Even if you have POA, there is nothing you can do if he doesn't wish to cooperate. Maybe there is a neighbor that can check in on him just to say hi or something, in addition to wellness checks from Adult Family Services.