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Heartsink.

How long has your mother been married to her husband?

You had medical POA for your mother. You then had to be admitted to hospital (sorry to hear this), and the husband explained your absence to your mother by telling her that you had died. Are you sure about that? Who told you that?

How long were you out of action? Did your hospital stay result in the husband's legitimately taking over your medical POA, or what?

Over what period of time was all this going on?

Whatever they were told at admission, the facility is now aware that your mother does have living relatives. Standing right there in their lobby, indeed. How did they respond to your first contact with them? - did they express any surprise, or doubts about your identity?

Are you having any difficulty in your communication or working relationship with the facility itself? How long has your mother been living there?

Do not even think about taking your mother out for the day. Protect your ability to visit her by scrupulously toeing the line and developing a good bond with the facility's staff.

Of course it is upsetting to receive a phone call from a loved one pleading for help and appearing to be neglected. But were any of your mother's complaints borne out in reality? Had she fallen? Had she been checked over by anyone? Was there in fact any justification for taking her to the ER?

If information comes from your mother you don't ignore it, of course not, but you can't rely on it - you have to verify it against other sources. Remember that this is a long-term negotiation. It will pay to be patient and co-operative.

How are you in yourself now? I'm especially sorry if all this stress and conflict is damaging your health and slowing your recovery.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Fact is i had medical decisions up to a point i went into the hospital and he told my mom i died. He has a problem with all if my moms family and he is very controlling. When he admitted her he told the facility that she had no living relative's. I do get the comment it could make things more difficult if i take her out. But when she calls and asks for my help due to her falling and he refused to take her to the ER to be checked out what am i supposed to do?
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Reply to Cowgirl4ever
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worriedinCali Feb 23, 2020
Call the facility. They should be looking after your mom and dealing with the falls.
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Why won't your mother's husband agree to your taking her out for the day?

Please don't reply "because he is a controlling monster who hates me and doesn't care about his wife." That won't be the reason. Certainly, it won't be the reason he gives for his decision. What reason does he give?

The key point here is that your rights are unimportant (and anyway you don't have any, not about this). It is your mother's rights that matter. If her husband's POA means that at this stage he is making decisions on her behalf, then he must act in her best interests.

Your profile states that your mother has Alzheimers/dementia; and she is living in a facility.

On the face of it, the likeliest reason for the husband's refusal of your offer to take her out is that it would disrupt her routine and cause her distress. She might, for example, have a lovely time going out with you and enjoying a change of scene; but then return exhausted to the facility and have real difficulty settling back in. She might be confused by the change and become difficult for you to manage safely. She may have medical or care needs that you're not familiar with. It may even be the case that the husband doesn't trust you to return her to the facility.

So: why do you think the husband won't let you take her out?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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