My mother was diagnosed with end stage vascular dementia in 2020. After a long and trying period of home care, I was able to convince my Father to transition my mother to a state of the art memory care facility. Unfortunately, this took place after several family relationships were badly damaged over the stress of in home care and the eventual decision to put my mother into the community in November of 2022. One family member in particular presented aggressive behavior during the lead up to the transition from home to memory care. I had to take formal actions to create space to facilitate a peaceful transition. That sibling is now, only 2 months later, convincing my Father that Mom should come back home. For reasons I won't expand on now, I consider this family member extremely unfit to be the primary caregiver of a vulnerable adult with dementia. I have a pile of "evidence" to support that contention but I don't know who to approach with it. Social Services explained that they are a reactive org. My Father has power of attorney, so he can do whatever he wants. However, even if I am unable to convince him to not bring Mom home, I need a proactive advocate to block this specific sibling from being the primary caregiver. I have a care conference set up with my Father and I and the memory care staff. Hopefully, after he hears what Mom needs, what she is getting, and how she is thriving in ways she never will at home, that will put an end to this. In the case it does not, I am trying to think ahead. Any thoughts, input, experience, with this type of situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
You would be unlikely to win over a father joined with another sibling.
You would lose a fight that would cost you a minimum of 10,000 and may have to pay court expenses for the winner.
I agree that this move doesn't sound like a wise one. BUT....your fighting this move may in fact not allow those who have power in making it understand what a bad move it is. They will be so busy fighting YOU that they will not see what they are getting into.
I would ask Social Services if they could mediate a meeting in which you would state your thoughts, fears and wishes to your Dad and Sis. I would do so there, level headedly.
I would then tell Dad and Sis that if they continue with what you feel MAY be a disasterous move, a very bad choice, you are very sorry but you cannot partake in the care moving forward. That you will do some few things such as delivering groceries once a week or cooking a few casseroles, but will be on board for very little else. That you will step away from caregiving and alllow Dad and Sis to do it all.
This will give Dad time to really think. It sounds to me like you are the doer. Dad is counting on the care of you both. One moving out after level-headedly saying why this is a bad move may make Dad give some thought to all this.
But again, it may not.
Just know that whatever the answer is now, warring between the siblings is NOT THE ANSWER. It will cause a chaos of fog through which no truths will be seen, and will cause tremendous damage.
You are going to now have to be not only SMART, which clearly you are, but also "clever". They are two different things. Remain CALM. Come up with all the reasons this won't work gently and quietly. Then let them know you will have to withdraw from participation in this bad choice.
And then sit back a while and let them THINK. Give them time to think without pressure.
Good luck. I hope you'll update us.
Your dad has POA. Does your sister live with your dad? Or does she have her own place? Has she ever cared for your mom in the past?
I agree with Barb to sue. Do whatever you need to do, even if if it’s unpleasant to keep your mom safe and well cared for. You are a wonderful advocate for your mom!
I am happy to hear that your mom is doing well in her memory care facility and I hope that your dad will see that your mom is in the best possible place for her needs.
Your sister definitely can’t match the care given by a professional staff at a top notch memory care.
I feel badly for your dad. I am sure that it was difficult on him to place her. He was probably just getting used to her not being home and your sister is stirring the pot and possibly making him second guess his decision. What a shame.
Best wishes to you and your family.
The care conference was good and bad.
The Good - my Father was provided the information he needed to understand the positive reality of Moms situation within the memory care facility, the misleading information he was getting from my sister, and the consequences of undoing Moms beautiful assimilation to her new home where she is thriving and making friends (connections) and participating in community activities, etc...
The Bad - he was defensive during the whole meeting and I'm not sure what he heard. He recycled false information my sister had given him. My sister is using her "relationship" with my Father to manipulate is perception and thought process. That is a whole additional family dynamic and set of issues that has made this so hard.
I had a very candid and painfully blunt chat with my Father after the meeting. Again, not sure what he heard. Very little reaction. This is so hard. I love him so much but he is considering horrible decisions that will have horrible consequences. This really sucks!
Sounds like suing for guardianship is the consensus approach, should I want to endure that process. I told my Father and Sister recently that there was no family relationship I was not willing to sacrifice in the name of my Mothers safety and well-being. I guess that conviction might be put to the test soon.
Thank you for the kind words and input. I appreciate it!
Cheers -