Mom is almost 85 and has Alzheimer's - triggered by the anesthetic during a 2016 hip replacement. She lived alone for 2+ years after that with my sister and me providing everything we could and getting her out of the house 4 times a week to eat.
We never succeeded in getting her to clean up/shower, though she desperately needed it. She got offended when we quietly, politely suggested it was time to bathe, change clothes. In her demented state, she said she had done those things, and also took care of her house, did laundry, cooked, etc. No, she did none of those things. (In a support group my sister and I attend, we learned she was "self-neglecting.")
So that and what we learned was a fractured leg bone resulted in a hospitalization, rehab and forever placement in a memory care facility this past January. It was time; we were beat. We chose a local company that operates five memory care homes in our area - 5 residents per house rather than a large, institutional place. Better caregiver-to-resident ratio, could cater more to her extremely difficult personality. This company rates very highly with the state and is subject to the same rules and regs as "brand names" in senior care.
In general, we siblings are pleased, but Mom is completely miserable. We expected this; she has no idea anything is wrong with her and understands nothing of what's going on. Doesn't even remember she broke a hip. She's miserable anywhere but home (where she was also miserable).
So yesterday being Mother's Day, we thought we'd take her to lunch and met our brother halfway - about a 1 hr drive. We asked the caregivers to try to give her a shower or get her cleaned up beforehand because she desperately needed it. They tried but Mom was having none of it. Fought so hard against it she banged her wrist against something, tore her fragile skin, and bled everywhere, which they bandaged up. We learned about that in the morning. By the time we got there to pick her up, she didn't remember the fracas, but it was obvious she had not bathed. The staff felt bad they couldn't get it done. Blood, mysterious stains, and other stuff all over her shirt. I cannot blame the staff for this - Mom is stubborn, obstinate and - I learned on this site, probably suffers anosognosia. In short, yesterday was rather miserable and we couldn't get her back there fast enough. Which is when things really went downhill.
In bringing her back to the home, she cried and had fits that she wasn't going home. She was grasping at us, crying, slamming her fists, etc., in frustration. My sister and I got out as fast as we could, leaving the poor CNA on staff to deal with her anger. But we were totally spent.
Part of this is venting...part is asking for your secrets to get someone to WASH?? I'm very concerned she's going to get a UTI (if she doesn't already have one) because it's very clear that's the center of the problem. She says she's very careful about that, but no, she isn't.
More info: she HATES pills and doctors. Doesn't listen or want their advice. She's racist and most of the house staff is non-Caucasian. I would just be grateful if she didn't stink so much. Dusting powder only covers so much. What can we do??
Maybe wheel-chaired into a huge handicapped shower and squirted down in my clothes if necessary.
Permission? How could anyone in that mental state give permission?
Maybe I should write down giving my permission now, just in case, because I want to stay clean, always.
The injuries are a concern, whether they are accidental or not.
Choosing a more appropriate institutional setting as mentioned by CM may be the answer. The staff may have a match for your Mom's preferences.
Keep trying, it is very difficult.
What's going to be better about a NH setting is that there will be Behavioral staff (psychiatrist, behavioral team, what have you) who will be able to advise on the appropriate medication for your mother's agitation and possible depression. While meds are not going to turn your feisty and uncooperative mother into a pussy cat, they might make everyone's life a little easier when it comes to hygiene, visits, daily life.
One rule that I learned early on in my mom's dementia? Bring the party to her. Don't take a person with dementia out of their facility, especially not in a private vehicle. My mother grabbed the steering wheel from my husband while we were on a highway. We were lucky that he was driving; had it been me, we'd all be dead.
[Can I have a prize for most helpful response? 😬]
The thing is. It is perfectly true that a person ought not to be forced to do something. However. Coaxing, cajoling, persuading - NOTHING is going to make your mother agree to be showered or bathed.
And although it's fine for these things to be less frequent than her habit used to be, it is not fine for her hygiene to be neglected altogether.
It is even less fine for this to be pursued to the point where she sustains injury, even if the injury is accidental/self-inflicted.
What is running through my memory at the moment is the process employed on the first stroke ward my mother stayed in (briefly, thank God). And the point about this process is that consent was never an issue, because there was never a point at which she was consulted or could have objected.
It takes a team of three nursing assistants, they get in there, they are so fast and efficient, and they wield so much muscle power among them, that it's over in minutes before the person knows what is happening, pretty much. It isn't pretty, but it's efficient and you end up with a clean mother.
I have to tell you that I was whimpering and bleating in a corner while all this was going on until the lead aide turned round and said "do you want your mother washed or not?" So that was me told.
Anyway - the point is that this is about attitude, experience and sheer heft. The people in the nice family atmosphere place are not prepared to seize hold of your mother and get the job done, because they are following different ethics. I wonder if, ironically, and seeing that your mother's miserable whatever you do, she might in fact be more efficiently cared for in a more institutional setting.